Apples and Buttons

40 apples later we are still getting ready for Christmas. Ryan is out of school for the Winter Break as of today so we had to get her apples out earlier this week. Chase and Cooper are taking theirs tomorrow.
When Ryan suggested carmeled apples for her friend presents, I was a bit concerned. I have never had good luck with the carmel actually staying on the apple. And that made me not excited about taking the project on. But my goodness, what a good friend the internet is. It came up with several several recipes to try. Ryan and I did an experimental run and thanks to the homemade caramel recipe and the wintry chill outside that kept the toppings hard and cemented on it went swimmingly well. AND it tasted good as well.
Here we are 40 apples later and all have agreed that apples may need to be an annual tradition. The cinnamon and sugar white chocolate apples are to die for!

I hope that you can tell that the button decoration is a snowman made out of buttons. I have had some weird deviations into buttons this year. Probably another post. Suffice it to say, I have had a blast making snowman, santas, elves and reindeer out of buttons. I got the idea out of last year's Martha Stewart magazine. (Yes, I would agree that I am always a year behind in the trends.) I am not sure they will be appreciated to the full extent that Martha and I have liked them but I got enough enjoyment out of them that it doesn't matter.

It wasn't the Grinch that stole Christmas

Today I wanted to leap out of a moving car.

Sometimes being partnered with somebody is so hard. Lately I have been rehearsing the marriage vow promises over and over again in my head. "For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. For better or worse." Who made these vows up? I guess since they were used in my marriage ceremony I agreed to them but really, who started them? Was it God? Was it just some romantic and sentimental priest that was in charge of ceremonies and their lingo.

Bart and I spend so much energy just trying to make days work. Because it takes energy to agree with him. And we do agree to work on agreeing but little else. If we already agreed on things we might be able to put our energies into something else, experience synergy and enjoy the moments. Instead we fight to come to some sort of union of thoughts but then we are both so tired and still have pockets of resentment that things are always bittersweet.

Especially at Christmas. Simply put, Bart is a material whore. And he loves the actual spending of money. Anxiety ridden and a cheap ass, I do not love the actual spending of money. Could we be any farther apart? Couple that with my trying to work as little as possible and him thinking that time not spent working or snowmobiling is wasted, well, you got some real holiday spirit going on at the Peterson house.

Eggnog, anybody?

My collection

I collect nativity sets. I have slowed down a bit for two reasons. One, I don't see one I have to have every year and two, I don't have any more room to put the ones I do have up and around in my house during the season.

I do not have one single set that features bears or penguins as the figures. Snowmen either. I don't know why but it bothers me.

But this year I believe I might just have to expand my collection and it might just be a bending of the rules. It's beyond rules. It's beyond fantastic! Can somebody please tell me where I can find this sock monkey set?!?!

A Christmas Wish

This little boy has been sick sick sick this weekend. All weekend. Saturday he spent the day throwing up. So much so that his little stomach muscles are sore and painful. In fact, he has not moved off the couch today. Partly the sickness, partly the muscles.



This little girl has broken up with the the first boyfriend. Just in time to welcome in the new boyfriend. The new boyfriend is a bit cuter, a lot cooler and surprisingly has a talent and interest in singing and theater.
I say surprisingly because the little girl has decided that soccer is boring. She needs more time to hang out with friends. She can't understand why both her mother and her father will not even entertain her points of debate. Sigh.



This little boy has started his first basketball season. It is the best entertainment that we have had since Drew Carey came to town. He can't believe that practice is only one day a week. Basketball must be for slackers, he says, compared to the time he put in for football.

The three little Petersons are simply too busy to get in the Christmas spirit. This older Peterson is trying to awaken it before the season is over. I did start going to the gym last week. Even getting up at 6:15 for it. But that wasn't enough. Writing tidbits in Christmas cards helped a little bit. Writing wishes and love and all sorts of good things for people you love does help to enlarge the blood pumping organ. I have immersed myself in nativity scenes which pointed my head in the right direction. Lighting candles have helped me to fight the cold and the dark that is outside.

Maybe thinking about Mary. Being a first time mother. Having a healthy, happy little boy. Looking down at that little face. Little fingers grasping hers. Nothing kingly yet but miraculous nonetheless. I can conjure up that magical feeling of love anytime I look at those above pictures. I can. I am amazed at the elasticity of youth, the determination of spirit they posess, the magnitude of energy they have. I can remember drowning in each one of their eyes when they were babies.

Now to carry that feeling around all the time every day for everyone......well, that will be a Christmas miracle. But at least I have the feeling down.

It is the simple things

There is one other little slice of luxury that I have been living with that I have not shared with you yet.
Being a finish carpenter's wife, garages are for tools, not cars. In this house we only have had a two car attached garage. We have had the garage chock full of hammers, wet vacs, extension cords, outside temporary lighting, table saws, jigsaws, wood products, snowmobiles, etc. etc. I barely get a shelf for my Christmas decorations. Don't even think about getting a car in there.
Last year we built a LARGE detached garage in the back yard. Enough room for the snowmobiles, four wheelers AND a shop. This last month we poured concrete and actually moved the stuff from the front attached garage to the back one. Bart put new batteries in the garage door remote control and handed it over to me.
This week has brought the first snow to the valley. And I have not had to scrape my car off once. I simply go out in my garage, get in my car and drive out into the icy, chilly tundra that I live in. It is a small thing. Obviously I have scraped for 4 years in this house. I have all my limbs and digits. It is a doable thing but my, oh, my! it is nice to not have to do it. It tickles me pink to be able to see out my whole window from the minute I start to drive in the morning.

And I am grateful.

P.S.

I hate that-low-down-get-off-scott-free-cheating-son-of-a-Michael-Jordan-cut-out Kobe Bryant.

Sorry I have been distant

Starting to work outside the home, preparing for the holidays, not going to the gym, having shorter and shorter days and it being as cold as a witch's tit outside are not good variables to put all together and ask Kim to keep it all going.

I have to admit that there is still one other variable that is in play here. And it is a good one. The Utah Jazz still have the best record in the NBA. They are dang fun to watch. But it is a long time from the time I have to get out of bed in the morning till the game begins in the evening. Way too long.

My Thoughts

This is the only book that I do this with BUT sometimes I think about scenes from The Outlander Series books with Jamie and Claire like they are memories. Not that I am Claire, I hasten to add. But I have read the books so many times and felt so much emotion with each page that I can think back on snippets and feel like I remember them from just a time ago. Obviously I do remember them from just a time ago but I was somewhere in that time sitting on a couch nursing a baby at 3 am with a book in my hand.

I can't believe Jamie and Claire are not real people.

Moving on, Ryan and I reworked the front flower bed the other day. It had been hosting a Halloween scene complete with haybales and pumpkins, ghosts and skeletons. We cleaned the haybales that were left and dug down to plant our 80 tulip bulbs. There had been a good many weed in the bed when I put the black tarp down and most of them were now dead. But there were so many roots left. Tangled together. Twisted. A weave of plant fingers. And all I could think about was how impossible it would be for The Night of the Living Dead cast members to actually break free of their coffin and rip through all the plant roots in order to make it back up to the earth's surface. I mean, gravity is not even on their side. I think I may be able to sleep with the lights off when Bart is gone now. One less thing to be scared of.

I am afraid of not getting everything done for Christmas. I have all these plans and some parts of plans already started but I am classic for dropping the ball. I started on my homemade Christmas cards in July. And we just finished them tonight. Now I have to write the Christmas letter that goes inside them. I want to have a neighborhood party at my house this season. I haven't even gotten the paper to do the invitations yet. I did buy my tree this weekend but we have not decorated it yet and we are busy for the next three nights in a row. Plus the Jazz play two nights this week.

12-2 record, baby. And those guys, unlike Jamie and Claire, are the real thing. Or so they are saying on Sportscenter.

Today's 3 Things In No Particular Order

I am crazy glad for the Jazz having a good season this year. They have the best record in the nation. In the nation. And they look good. I would be excited to be able to paint another Jazz emblem on my front window like I did during the NBA finals in 1997. Or maybe on my roof like one of my other friends did.

I am unbelievably grateful that Cooper gets up and gladly gets his uniform on to go to school. He is such a good little kindergartener. Today I got a little misty when I was trying to explain to Bart how amazing it is that all of our kids are healthy. I shake my head in wonder when Ryan sits down and does her geometry homework at the kitchen table. And Chase's teacher tells me that he reads way above his grade level.

I am super happy that I don't have to work the day after Thanksgiving this year for the first time in 9 years. Don't think I haven't been out there in the middle of the night with people waiting in line to get into Walmart on the busiest shopping day of the year but I was out doing papers. I still don't really miss that too much.

The Secret to being a Good Home Manager

There is nothing wrong with having a pile, I keep telling myself.

While it looks horrible, "The pile" is rewarding in and of itself. Really, if I know it is in "the pile", than I know it IS in the pile. I know where it is and I can find it for you lickety split. You can't say THAT about the things that aren't in "the pile."

Second, "the pile" always provides a good place to scratch the cleaning itch. Inevitably when I finally decide to tidy up there are things in "the pile" that are no longer needed in "the pile." Maybe expired coupons. Maybe a duplicate of a reminder notice. Maybe a magazine I keep thinking I will make that recipe that one the Better Home and Gardens contest in 2001. Maybe I have finally found the perfect place to store that remnant that has sat there in "the pile" until I created a better place for it. I feel so successful when I put "the pile" back and it is considerably smaller...........for the time being.

Truly, a pile is needed in the life of a woman. One needs confidence from knowing where things are. The problem is "the pile" is now in two rooms of my house. Even after a liberating trip to the garbage last night I have to accept "the pile" is growing out of control.

Or I could just concede that my house is too small. It just might be less painful.

It's November 12 and I'm watching The Grinch on TV

Life has been a little strange these past few days. I mean, the Utah Jazz are on a winning streak. Those words have been infrequently used in this state for the past few years and it feels really good. Right now, they are 6-1. The best in the country.

Maybe we had better celebrate while we can.

Yes, I did actually agree to start working at a place of business. Bart's business to be specific. Don't think I didn't think long and hard about it. But I came up with 5 good reasons to do it and I didn't come up with any horrific feelings about committing other than my regular anxiety. Hence, the new job.

One of the most important reason is that I believe that Cooper will really benefit from being pulled out of his 27 child kindergarten class and put in this new school. There is only 20 kids, with uniforms, elongated school day, traditional track and hopefully a little more structure for our wayward child. Today was the primary program at church where all the kids under 12 performed for the adults. My mother was the first to say what we were all thinking as we watched the blonde haired boy completely disregard the program at hand and literally dance to his own tune. Cooper could use a little more discipline in his life. I hope he likes it. I will not be able to make him go somewhere that he absolutely hates. Right now he has no problem getting up and going to school. I need that to continue in order to make this work.

But it goes both ways. I have to have this job in order to pay for this school.










Do you see all that blank space above? I really have more to say but Bart is sitting right next to me and has edited me down. I suppose that is part of letting him be my boss.

Although this morning he did say something funny to me.
"I never thought I would be the one to say this but I kindof like sleeping with the secretary."

I think I will send out a memo on Monday to let everyone know my position is office manager.

A Beautiful Moment

Last night I proudly admit that I peed just a little in my pants during the first minute of "The Office." Admittedly, it was during the third time we re"tivo"ed that minute of fun but the first time we watched it I knew it was a gem. My oh my, it was the best bit of television I have seen in such a long time. Did you see it?

I have always had pretty good bladder control. My friends and family are a little different. One of my all time best peeing stories happened to me at Bob's Big Boy restaurant. (Something akin to JB's) You know, the all night diner that you go to after all teenage nocturnal activities. I don't remember where we had gone that night but Jill, my best friend and I were with a bunch of friends from church. Maybe 10 to 12 of us. Enough so that Jill and I who were at one end of the table had no idea what was going on at the end of the table. In walked two of the cutest guys from our school and headed our way. Jill and I were nonchalantly talking to them when Mike Summers, one of our group that didn't go to my high school and apparently didn't see the all time record reading of the cute-o-meter that was going off above our male visitor's head dashed from the other side of the table and sat down next to me, buried his head in my shoulder and just laughed till guffawing. All attention was absolutely on him as he continued to shake with his whole body. Jill and I cast nervous looks at each other not knowing what the explanation would be and did we really want our male guests to know what it was. But there was no getting around it. They were curious. We were curious. And Mike was a drama queen. Besides, you know how laughing is contagious. Even though you don't know what is funny you are already starting to feel that bubble of hysteria grow inside and you start to make that stupid smile. "Tell us. Come on, Mike. What is so funny?"
Finally on the point where we were ready to kill him, he spit it out. "Karis peed her pants and it is running down the booth chair."
Our male visitors suddenly were too hungry to sit with us anymore and jumped up to find their waitress. It was no suprise that Karis had peed her pants but tonight she had taken it to an all time low. She was soaked. We stayed to finish our meal and nobody would give her a coat to wrap around her waist as we walked out.

I love that kind of laughing. Mostly the side effects are good but Karis and my sister Karlee might not agree with me.

Speaking of laughing, we went to the movies last night and saw the preview for Jerry Seinfeld's new movie. It better be good because we have to wait until November 2007 for it. But I couldn't believe how happy I was to see the man on screen again. Last Sunday, our Sunday School teacher used the phrase "Yada Yada Yada" in his lesson. We have spent most of this week arguing whether or not Jerry was the one who coined this most excellent phrase or did he just make it known throughout the universe. I say he coined it. What say you?

November 1st

I have been trying to upload Halloween picture to $%&*@#$& ^%$@!*(^ blogger all day today. Inbetween other tasks that needed to be done today.

I had to get up at 6 today to clean up weeds and crap from the backyard. Can I save the "why" for another post? I don't care what the right answer is, I say yes.

I took the kids to school and then went to Cooper's class for my once a week volunteer time.

Had to listen to Cooper's teacher tell me that Cooper was very distracted when she is talking about something that he is not interested in. PLEASE tell me something I don't know.

Went to Bart's work to answer phones and talk to the boss man. IT WAS CRAZY.

Picked up Ryan from school.

Did homework, made dinner, talked on the phone, visited with the neighbor cop.

Put Cooper in the bathtub to detox from the candy. He stayed in the water for 2 hours. We read Christmas stories and sang songs.

Watching the first JAZZ game of the season. I have high hopes for this year.

I am going to try posting pictures one more time and then the list will be published. What a poor start to November.

OH YAY! It worked.

My Ghost Story

A lot of good ghost stories take place in Thailand. Because in Thailand they believe in ghosts. It is part of their culture. They feed their dead ancestors on a daily basis. They give them a place to live in their houses and create a shrine to them. Essentially they ask for the ghosts to reside with them every day.

And I can tell you from the bottom of my little red veined heart that spirits listen.

I only have one tale that happened to me. I heard a lot of them. I felt chills up and down my back and the hair stand up on my arms more than once. I watched the teller’s face and had no doubt that they had been in the presence of a spirit. The spirits have a stronghold in that country. They have the power of belief and acknowledgement on their side. Belief is a force to be reckoned with whatever side it lies on.

I was a missionary in Thailand and lived there for 18 months. I was in one part of Bangkok for over 6 months. And resided in the same house for the whole time I was in that area. The Elders lived just 5 houses away in the same little neighborhood. There was some scary things that happened in their house but that is not my story for this Halloween Day. This is:

As missionaries we were required to sleep in the same room at night. One reason was because you were always supposed to be with your companion. For another, there was only one window air conditioner in the house and it was in the one bedroom. Therefore, you slept in the same room. It was a night no different than any of the others. I went to bed and quickly went to sleep. I woke up to find a presence hovering over the headboard of the bed. It was completely non material and was slightly emanating some kind of unearthly light. I was not disturbed by it at all. In fact, I felt really comforted by being in the realm of his glowing. The darkness of the room looked quite evil.
I knew it was a male spirit. And I knew that he was there to protect me. I looked around and there was another one at the foot of my bed. By now I was wide awake and I looked over at my companion’s bed and sure enough, there was two spirits at her bedside as well. I asked if they ever changed places, the head man and the foot man. And my voice came out in an icy breath that you could see in the room. He shook his head no.
And then suddenly there was quite a few other presences in the corner of my room. They were floating off the floor of that I am certain, although I have no idea how many there were. And they were singing. Somehow I knew, I knew if they stopped singing that my companion and I would not see the light of day. I could feel the pulsing of the evil outside their light. Outside the room. I could feel it’s anger and it’s power. But the singing was strong. StrongER. It was primary songs that I have known all my life. And they sang for what seemed like hours. I remember dozing off and waking back up to a different song. I remember singing along with them. I remember just knowing what the next song that they were going to sing was. And, yes, they were singing in English. My companion never woke up that night. I never thought to wake her either. They were enough. They stayed with me until sunlight came in through the window. The singers vanished first and then the two at the bed walked through the door. And my life became normal again.

I don’t tell this story that often. Who wants to be thought of as a loony? But there are unexplainable things that happen out there. Bad AND good things. So have fun trick or treating and make sure you save a candy bar for me.

2 anxiety causing questions

I might as well put this out there so if you so desire you can wait with me as well. Waiting. Not a good profession for me. It tends to go hand in hand with "the anxiety." You know, how some blue shirts bring out the color in your eyes. Well, waiting brings out the anxiety in me.

Luckily the waiting shouldn't be too long. But the outcome could bring on some terminal anxiety so hey! at least there is something to look forward too.

I think that the Petersons have come to some kind of life fork in the road. Maybe not but we have been given some opportunities that can change our lives and making the decision is what is causing the "a" word.

Last week Bart came home with a new job opportunity up in Idaho. Basically to go up there and do what he is doing down here. Only not for somebody but for himself. So instead of paying Brandon, his current boss, the $20 to 50,000 dollars a month and Bart taking home a decent and stable pay Bart would be the one taking home the $20 to $50,000 dollars a month. Yes, I did say a month. I myself am impressed with this amount of money. It means that I could stay home forever and we could plop money down on the table and BUY insurance. Bart is very impressed with this amount of money and goes around with green little dollar signs in his eyes. (Not his halloween costume.) I suppose that we are not up there right now because of course, it is not salary it is commission and while somebody is up there right now making this much money there is a risk. AND because we both realize our kids and ourselves have a good life right where we are. But I sense that Bart is thinking seriously about this new challenge. Do you give up happiness for more money?

So while we were looking up houses in McCall on the internet last week, Bart's secretary and his boss got into it. And the end result is that Bart no longer has a secretary/office manager/salesperson at his office. That = a job opening. Bart thinks I have been home long enough. Bart thinks it would be fabulous if I came and worked there to learn the ins and outs of his job so if and when we do move I could be a helper. If we don't move, I would be the partner when the boss gives the company over to his two main employees next year. Is it good for a marriage for spouses to work together?

Good thing I don't live in Nebraska

Sometimes my feelings will be running wild all over the place a million miles a minute and I will look up and see the mountains. So impending. So large. So immovable. They whisper to me that you don't have to move fast to be magnificent. The view will literally stop me. In my tracks. My head and my heart may even skip a beat.

I may be thinking of the beauty that is looming before me.
I may be thinking of the pioneers trying to climb their families over the hills in the snow.
I may be thinking of how I take the mountains for granted. I sometimes forget that they are there while my mind is racing and I am driving over the speed limit to get to my next engagement until I look up and they smack me in the face.

Then I can focus and for a couple more minutes I can hold it together.

Could it really only be 365 days ago?

This is the girls the first day of 7th grade just last year. Ryan is the one in the brown shirt. Please proceed down to the next picture for the metamorphosis.























Still the girls. But I can't help but detect a bit more attitude in this picture.

What do you think?

I have several theories percolating in my brain at this very moment. One has to do with sex so it might never see it's way on to the screen but there, here is my mention of the s word so I can proudly call myself racy today.

Can we even call that a good try? hmmm.

Another one of the theories has to do with what we talk about every day. Sports. Bart and I have had countless conversations on how to motivate the kids to want to do their best. Bart's football team's motto is DO YOUR JOB. How succinct, don't you think? If everyone does their job then the win will come. The quarterback will make a good pass because that falls in his job description. The reciever will catch the ball and deftly handle it to the end zone because he is on task. The blockers will defend and not let a man get through because that is their job. It is a good motto.

My son and his 11 year old friends have shown the skill and talent at practice. They have shown the love of the game in front of my house, in the street, at recess, at 6 am in the morning, at 3 times a week practices. They like each other as a team and also shown that at my house many times inviting them over for football or even sometimes playdoh. However, they have only won two games this year and if asked Bart and the other coaches would say (expletives excluded) they don't do their jobs in games. For whatever reason.

But that is the question, isn't it? What reason is there that they don't do their jobs during game time, the one hour of the week that they actually have spectators and cheerleaders, they get to wear their nifty new uniforms that make them look like "MEN" I've been told, they get to hit people that are not on their own team?!?!

Bart and I have a theory. Simply put, we live in a new area of town. Young marrieds. Young families. Starter homes. These kids for the most part are the firstborn children. They have not sat at the sidelines of siblings games and practices. They have not watched their brothers and older friends play street ball. They have not sat glued to the TV for the 149th superbowl because they are just coming out of the spongebob phase and there has been nobody to change the channel on them. We play against many east side teams. This is a more established neighborhood area. The 10 year olds are the younger kids of the family. They have witnessed and been part of a family tradition of Saturday football on the field and Monday night football at home. They have thrown around a pigskin since they were two. Now ten, they have lived the game so much more than these first borns who were brought up by their mothers and their fathers, not their siblings.

Today I gained scientific based proof on these thoughts. Cooper came home from school and we started the How Was School Today conversation. We have already establshed that the best part of school is recess. Usually we start with that.
"Mom, do you know what is sad? Today I versed Brian in football and he tackled me. Me! He tackled me. Isn't that sad? Nobody tackles me. So I tackled him when he had the ball and he. cried!"
"Cooper, you have to be careful. People are not going to want to play football with you if you hurt them.'
"Mom. That. is. how. you. play. football. You. injure. people." He says this through gritted teeth exasperated that he must even give voice to this absolute truth.

Let's face it. Chase was brought up by Little Bear, Maisy, Steve and Blue and me. Love. Sharing. Cleaning up with a song. Not a helmet or a groin cup in sight. But Cooper. His mentors are Chase, Chase's friends and Ryan. He will be that second generation football player. The one that got brought up by his siblings. The one that is not afraid to hit back. The one that has been hit by a football in his face by his brother and told to laugh it off. The one that learned the end zone dance and loved to do it naked in front of all the friends.

I think that 2010 is going to be a winning season.

Just Kidding

Obviously I am just kidding. I would NEVER have a moose in my house. However, I do know a good deal when I see one so I did buy this for my mother and father as a lawn decoration. I hope they will rearrange and have the moose running after the garden gnomes who will be trying to climb up the trees.

I have the hottest shuffle on my ipod right now. I have it hooked up into my ihome alarm clock next to my bed and I can't hardly wait to get to bed to turn it on and listen. A lot of Alison Krauss, a lot of Dixie Chicks, a smidgen of the Police and a dash of some 70's disco. My oh my.

You don't see one of these every day

Look at what I got Bart for Christmas. I didn't think it would come so soon but I can't wait to give it to him. I hope he will want to put it downstairs because it would make the front room a bit crowded.

Thursday and you know what that means

My friend is a pharmacist manager at a big chain store. She has an pharmacist tech that works with her who is extremely good looking. She really likes him because he is nice as well. And young. And single.

My friend is not the only one that has noticed these desirous traits of his. The other day a customer came up to the counter. She motioned over toward Jake and said "I would like pharmacist McDreamy to help me out today if he could."

A Letter to the Daughter

Dear Ryan

I am writing this letter to say I am sorry about Wednesday night. I am not sorry for what I said. But I am sorry about how I said it. I am sorry about the emotion behind it. I am sorry because I am completely befuddled by being the mother of a 13 year old. And I don't know quite how to do the job correctly.

I can't tell you how my feelings toward you have changed since I have quit my job and been able to stay at home. My feelings are so much.......bigger. Every feeling that I have for you is bigger. More intense. Maybe I have let you become a person. Not that I had to let you for you to start becoming. But that I have acknowledged that you are. A real live person with your own feelings and opinions and agendas.

It has always been a scary thing for me to love another person. I probably don't do it well. I definately don't show love to others well. Even when I think I am doing my best. Even when the love is not fragile and it is not fickle I hold onto it deep inside like a treasure. For it is just that. However, love is a treasure to be shared. I know that with my heart but my anxiety fueled mind keeps me prisoner sometimes.

But with you, I not only have this new and tender love for an amazing and talented young lady who is also my daughter but I have this duty. This responsibility. This stewardship as a mother to make sure that you know you are loved. To make sure you have enough love from your family members that you don't feel you have to go out and find it somewhere else. I feel this mantle about my shoulders every day.

Being a parent is a tightrope act. I can't make all your decisions or you never learn independence. I have to exercise my parental "NO" or else you would choose things that you are not yet old enough for. I can push you toward things and support you in them knowing that at some point simply me giving support is enough to make you rebel from those very things. I can't tell you things are important when I am not showing you by example that they are.

I have given up years of my life for your soccer career. And yet I know some of it is selfish. I love it. I love the game. I love team sports. I love watching you and all the kids get better at something. I love being part of something that has energy. I revere anything that can change so many lives for good. I see it as a positive influence in my life, your life, even your brother's lives are richer for the time they have had to spend on the playground or on the side of the field on a beautiful fall day rather than in front of the TV or playing video games. I am invested.

And then when I see you choosing to be friends with the girl with the worst attitude on the team I cringe. I watch her out on the field. She runs like the wind. She plays hard. Her attitude is fake. She wants to excel. She is involved in the goal. Amazing but then the game ends. Her heavy cloak of attitude is pulled right back on. Immediately. Always. I feel sorry for her but I hold my tongue. She is not a primary player in your life. This is not one of the battles I choose to fight.

But Wednesday night you chose her over your team. Not surprisely, she's too cool to give team cheers. Seen that. Known that. Apparently as a team coach I can overlook that. Apparently as a mother I cannot. I can't allow you to show disrespect to your coach by not participating. I can't allow you to lose out on all the positive rewards of being on a team and becoming part of something that is bigger than you. I can't allow you to be another bad example to all the other girls there. At least not without saying something. And say something I did. In essence, I just said DON'T. I didn't explain why. I was angry and I was disappointed that we were losing. So there was too much emotion in my words as well.

I hope you know why I had to say something to you. I hope I have parented you enough that you know what you did wrong. And I also hope that my love, my pride, my belief in you is the background wallpaper in your heart and these little corrective interchanges that will continue to happen will be exactly that: little.

You are doing so good at the growing up thing. Wow.
Love,
Your mom

Love captured

I am the officially unofficial photographer of Ryan's soccer team. Please enjoy just a few of the images that I love from the game on the sidebar.

I can't believe how much the girls have grown since this past year. And I do mean emotionally. And I do mean athletically. This season we did move up a division so we are playing all new and better teams than last year. Obviously we are not winning every game but there have been some brillant games. Some awesome effort. Incredible plays.

I wish I could capture more of the intensity, the fun, the camaderie on camera but hopefully when I put the pictures all together on a DVD with music at the end of the season it will mean something.

I do realize that at this time of the girl's lives, it is truly the parents that make 90% of the decisions in their lives. We are the ones that paid the club fees, we are the ones that drive them to practice every week. We are the ones that make sure that their uniforms are clean for the games. We are the ones that buy the Gatorade. So even if the DVD means something to the parents and not the girls, I will feel validated.

The girls may just see a picture of themselves with disheveled hair, a sweaty upper lip and an awkward body pose.
The parents will see their baby pure and wonderful and perfect.

Confused

Does it mean that I have been home for too long when I want to buy perfume with just the tad scent of Febreeze and a faint but definite bouquet of clorox bleach?

An Apology to the Universe

Yesturday: It was the weekend. We had done our familial duties. 8 hours of youth sports. In the rain. The wind. The sun. It seemed only right that we should go out and spend a bit of time with adults. Nothing too crazy. At the last minute, we decided to go out to dinner with two other couples. They were close friends. None of this "getting to know you" conversation was necessary. The scenario was very familiar.

We spent 3 hours at the table. It was relaxing. And there was a lot of laughing. Unfortunately most of the laughing came at the expense of another couple that we all know and wasn't there. There was a lot of teasing. Unfortunately most of the fun came from light barbs and cracks about stupid things that were mostly negative about marriage, about sex, about men vs. women, about money sharing. I don't think anyone went home feeling hurt but I don't think that anyone went home feeling uplifted, energized, validated either.

I told Bart later that I didn't see one positive thing come from our night out. How horrible. Not one affirmative feeling, vibe, sparkle went out into the universe from my actions last night. In fact, I think.....er, I know not only did nothing constructive come from my night but maybe there was a negative residue that was left from the night. And so I apologize, o universe. I know better. I know that there are too many nonsparkle things in this world already. I know I don't want that to be my legacy.

Bart does think I am a freak and that's fine but he understands. I am no way saying that one cannot relax, take a break, veg out or do nothing even for an extended amount of time and not continue to be part of the positive. I remember the first time I ever consciously had a perfect day. And it was a day of play. A day of fun. Danny, the same boy mentioned in the previous KISS post had a catamaran which is a sail boat. I think it was our freshman year when he and his couple of friends decided to spend spring break camping and sailing at Chesapeake Bay. Despite all the whining and crying, Jill and I never did get permission to accompany them for the whole week. So we had to be satisfied with a couple of day trips. One day we packed up a lumberjack's breakfast, loaded a couple more of our friends in the car and set off at 4 in the morning. We got there right in time to cook the breakfast buffet and then spend the whole day on the water. There was sun. There was splashing. There was dunking. There was reciting "The Breakfast Club" and "Sixteen Candles" movies word for word contests. There was kissing. Nothing important got done that day. But I remember sitting on the dock watching the sun setting into that endless puddle of water and thinking "Jesus Christ could've spent the day with us." There had not been one derogatory remark. There had not been mean taunts or teasing. There had not been anything to taint the day. The whole day. For me it was startling and life altering realization. You don't have to be in church, you don't have to be serious, you don't even have to be thinking about religious or spiritual things because life and living is spiritual. Having fun, learning, caring about another human being and enjoying the sun is part of the spiritual agenda.

But last night was another story. And I am so sorry.

The Ghouls are definately out and about

Cooper and his neighor friend Zach. Still too young to think it is not cool to smile for the camera.

The triple threat. Could not even bother to smile for me although I did boss them into the wagon.

This pumpkin patch is a 17 acre piece of land in the smack dab middle of our too fast growing city. All of our houses are squooshing out the farms, the horse properties, the untamed wilderness areas. And it so makes me sad. New houses just don't have enough foilage. The new neighborhoods are just naked. Today in the car we were in another part of the city and Cooper looked out the window and said "Oh, I like that house."
There was such passion in his voice I was interested to see what house he was referring to. No house in sight.
"I don't see a house, Cooper." Chase and I said in unison.
"Over there. You can't see the house but it is over there with all those trees." There was a large pocket of mature trees on one of the corners of the intersection we were out. "I like trees. I want to live in a house with trees. Mom, you like trees too. Can we live in that house?"
"Cooper, we have trees at our house now." Chase is so quick to point out wrongful thinking.
"Yea, but they are little trees. And I want big trees at my house. Mom and me like the shade. We like the tall trees, huh Mama?"

Sometimes I worry what will happen when Bart's 7 year plan comes to fruition. We will have enough money to move out of the city and have lots and lots of trees. By then Ryan will be out of the house, Chase will have just finished high school but Cooper will have to be dragged from his friends, his school, his reputation that has been firmly established here in the city. Sometimes I worry but then we have conversations like these and I think how could I doubt the love of trees?

What I have really been doing

I'm a little behind the times and just decided to reintroduce myself to prime time television. I've never seen Grey or any of her anatomy until this past week. I bought season 1 and season 2 at Costco and the television gods couldn't be happier. They have hooked another addict.

Come on. If you had just watched 32 episodes of Grey's Anatomy in the last two week you wouldn't be posting too much either.

I mean, after watching what is going on in Izzy's life there really isn't too much to complain about here .....in realityland.

After watching what is going in George's life I had all of us go and get a haircut.

After watching what is going on with Kristina, well, who am I to think my life could ever compete with Kristina's?

After watching what is going on with Meredith, I started wearing a whole lot more black panties.

Question number 172

Why do we even have a door on our bathroom? There is not one time, one time that I have a private moment to myself. If it is not one of the kids, it is tried and true that the phone rings or the doorbell sounds. Seriously, there is some sort of karma going on. Truly, I know that I deserve it. I was the best at having to go to the bathroom when there was every any chore going on at my house when I was a kid. But see my husband now plays that same trick on me

(is it a trick if the trickee knows just what the tricker is doing?)

so why would I need to be double karmaed in the way of not being able to get a second in the bathroom?

The Kiss

I had my first kiss in the shower on the 5th floor of the boys dorms at Shippenburg University.

It was about 4 am. We had snuck upstairs......well, actually we were both too chicken to make the first move. Julie had had to grab both of our hands, join them together and threaten us to move along and find a little space for the two of us.
I was not very good at commitment at 14 years old. However, I did find myself finally liking a guy that I couldn't find another one to replace. I wasn't really willing to wave the white flag and let him stake his claim but I was not able to walk away from him either. We had been "going out" for maybe 6 months or so. Going out. Guffaw, guffaw. We were 14. We didn't drive. We didn't go to the same school. We talked on the phone and saw each other maybe once every weekend if we were lucky.
This weekend was the church's youth retreat. We were spending 60 hours or most of 3 days at Shippenburg University up in Pennsylvania. My best friend and I had spent at least 60 hours planning, preparing and packing for this wonderful weekend.
And it was wonderful. There were so many boys. There were so many fun activities. And there were two dances. I loved dancing. Oh, how I loved dancing. After the dances we were allowed to stay up but we had to stay down in the lobby of the dorms where there were adult chaperones. No roaming allowed.
That is why we ended up in the dark bathroom hiding in one of the shower stalls with one of those little tiled benches in it out in front of the actual shower. We sat there and leaned into each other. Both of us definately wondering how many hours of talking needed to be done before we could kiss.
I have no idea what we talked about. I liked Danny. I really did. But we were 14. We had been up for 48 hours already. We, well, I really only wanted to kiss him so I'm sure the conversation was lacking. In fact, I do remember "waking up" in the middle of sentences that made no sense at all. And there he was agreeing and acting like we were in the middle of intense connecting.
He always chewed Big Red gum. And I remember breathing in the smell of that gum. And I remember that we broke in kissing that night.

And that's all I remember about that night. We went out off and on for 3 more years and there were many more kisses with him that I do remember.

It 's a good memory. Not my best memory but a good one. One that is becoming more important as Ryan steps up for her reign as teenage queen.

I have to remember that the first kiss is part of growing up.
And it is a good part of growing up.
And you can't have too many good parts of growing up.

Thanks Danny.

Deliberate silence since I have nothing to say.

Oh, life keeps moving. I keep moving with it. But I think if life stopped, I would stop. I am simply moving with life's current.

Last week I went to lunch with a friend who asked me if I was going to stay home or go back to work. I completely waffled at the starting line. I couldn't even come up with a complete sentence. I was very aware that she was a mom of 3 children as well. I was very aware of that she is working outside of the home and making more money than her husband. Which means that she will never be able to quit. I was very aware that my husband helps out and is nicer to me than her husband is to her. How could I divulge to her that I wasn't having a very good time staying home? How could I complain about my life when hers seems so much harder? I couldn't. So I stuck an overlarge bite of salad in my mouth and begged off.
I am very aware of the absolute luxury that I am being given to be able to stay home with my children. I am very aware of the pure need that all children have for a mother. I also know without a shadow of a doubt that the world is devilly divine at portraying motherhood, a thankless job, a mundane job, an infuriating job as an unimportant priority. It is also infinitely easier to believe the world rather than the little voice in your heart because I, like most everyone else want to have more money, do things like get pedicures for yourself and have adult conversations every day.

But I also want happy, well adjusted, secure children.

Unfortunately just staying home does not guarantee it. Unfortunately absolutely nothing does. However, as I was watching the movie Invincible and drooling over Mark Wahlberg I was also watching how much the world respects and even compensates a NFL football coach. And I am not talking a few pesos. No, football coaches get a whole enchilada for their efforts. Yes, it is a different job title from stay at home mother but, holy cow batman! it is amazing how similar the job description is.
Coach, teach, give constructive criticism, stand on the sidelines and cheer, provide training, motivate, critique, communicate, demand respect, be a friend, oversee interaction between members of the group, dole out discipline and stand by decisions that are made.

Just like the running tip. Kids are sponges. They are going to take in anything that is in front of them. Good or bad. Positive or negative. They don't know how hard it is to get the bad stuff out once it has gone in. But mothers do. Coaches do. It is our job to make sure the good habits are formed first and then the bad doesn't have room to set up shop.

What a job that sits before me. That I have already undertaken simply by having children. And I have the responsibility whether or not I once again go work outside the home.

No wonder I am silent. These thoughts are no less weighty here in ink than they were in my head.

A running tip

Just a quick check in since I am feeling guilty about not updating.

• Watched Spiderman at the cardio cinema today.
• The other day I was sitting in the cabin with my father and my husband talking about running. During the conversation they just happened to drop a little running hint like it was a donut crumb on the floor. You know, a cake part of the donut without frosting on it. I picked it up and lovingly cupped it in my hand and waiting for the next time I was at the cardio cinema. I wasn't sure but I thought it might be helpful. And it was. Did you know it is harder to breathe out than in when you are running? Did you know that you must work harder to get the bad, used air out to make room for enough good air to come in? And then that allows for more energy and more endurance? I sure didn't. But maybe, just maybe it is an absolute truth theorem that holds true in life as well. You know, one only has so much brain capacity, time in life, memory in the computer's hard drive, hours in one day. If you do the hard work and eliminate the finished, used, old, bad parts that are taking up space you make room for the new, the wiser, the needed counterparts that can help revitalize and reenergize you for the long run ahead. Maybe I should listen to my father and my husband a bit more, eh?

The Middle Child

Today cardio cinema was showing Batman with Michael Keaton and Danny Devito.

Yesturday I was able to run through 30 minutes of Bandits with Billy Bob Thornton and Bruce Willis.

Chase's email address and his fake identity (or is it his true one?) is Billy Bob Joe. When we were down at the waterhole he was catching minnows with his hands. Specifically 3 fish.
Billy.
Bob.
Joe.

And then 3 more for Billy, Bob and Joe who needed girlfriends.

He was the one member of the family that did not get on my nerves this weekend. I have just really enjoyed watching Chase become an individual. He gets up in the morning and goes running. He loves football.



He loves Friday, the dog and spends oodles of time with him. The Nintendo and the Playstation have been set aside for the summer. I love that. However, he does love internet games and he is getting so good at typing. Bart and I both marvel at him on this technology highway machine. It is a good thing too because his handwriting sucks!!! He does have a best friend whom he is nearly impossible to separate from.



He and Michael love making smoothies every day after school. They come in and try a new recipe almost daily. Sometimes they turn out good and sometimes not so good but they drink them anyway. He is just a good natured kid. Who will probably always talk too much but a mother likes that. She doesn't have to sneak around so much to find out secrets.

And so then maybe she can spend more time at the cardio cinema.

The Bright Side

Getting up at 5 am Saturday morning.
Got to drive Bart to another 10K up in Heber, watching the sun rise, smelling the cooking pancakes and seeing the leaves changing colors already up in Park City.

Having to be back from the cabin for Chase's football game at 10:30 am.
I brought Michael, Chase, Kayla, Ryan and Cooper as well as Bart to the cabin to stay over so we could get up early for the race.

Finding out the game was changed to 1:30 pm.
That gave me the chance to go shopping with Ryan and Kayla for halloween costumes. Forced grin here. And rolled eyes.
But it is my job as a mother.

Losing the aforementioned game.
Watching Chase, Michael, and Dylan play this game. Watching the coach fathers grip their hands, hold their tongues and struggle with their language. Feeling pride.

Bart going and buying a truck that costs half our house payment. After telling me that there was no way he was going to increase his payment over his last truck.
It's not the simple life that I want to live but he can afford it.

When 4 out of 5 family members are me causing internal mostly unexplainable anxiety and general pissiness, it is recommended that I dig out the old little blue pill prescription and pop that baby. So I did. And the only reason I didn't take all 20 of them was that I honestly could not imagine being without one the following day.
At least the pills were there in the drawer. T.H.A.N.K. G.O.O.D.N.E.S.S.

Ryan slicing her foot open on a rusty nail out at the waterhole with me being the only adult there.
She was there in the water. Jumping off the diving board. Screaming with joy. None of this little "too cool for school" attitude anywhere to be seen.

Did I mention that Bart bought a truck? He has a honest to goodness spending problem and coupled with my control issues we have some serious problems.
He also bought my four wheelers without my permission and I "heart" them to death. To death. This whole weekend I just drove around with 5 little kids patterning behind me. Bart had gone hunting but he made sure he left me with not just our two four wheelers but three machines so we could all have fun at the same time.

P.S. Cooper decided to drink the hydrogen peroxide that we have been using to clean out Ryan's wound on Tuesday night. Obviously life is continuing forward as planned.
Obviously life is continuing forward as planned.

What's happening, hotstuff?

While I have flaked a bit on recording the movie of the day at the cardio cinema, I have not flaked at getting to the gym every week day. Every day, my dear friends.

My fat keeps coming along to keep me company as well. Lucky me.

Today I watched The Mask of Zorro again. However it was a different 30 minutes than the last time last week. Yesturday I watched Happy Gilmore again. That movie could probably be returned to the movie store for another 3 months. Last week I watched first 30 minutes of Prince and Me and the 2nd 30 minutes of the Prince and Me. I may have to rent the dang movie just to see the last 15 minutes and close the book.

Ryan lost her season's first soccer game this weekend. 4-2. She made one of the goals. The goalie let 2 of the other teams goal just walk on by her into the net. It was a little painful to watch. More painful to listen to some of our girl's comments about the mistakes. I mean, one of our girls actually yelled over to the side of the field to us saying "Coach, can you please put me in as goalie?" I wanted to backhand her out of the state. So I did the next best thing. Became the bitch assistant coach that told them how talking about the goalie will never happen again this season.

That felt so good that when we were leaving the movie theater after seeing Invincible I relapsed. I was pulling the car out of my parking space in the crowded parking lot and another car was waiting for me to pull out. The woman in the car was making exasperated gestures trying to get me to hurry out of my space. Folks, I am not a bad vehicle operator. I am not overly slow. I am not out of control. I was correctly cautious in making sure nobody that was walking through the parking lot was behind me and also that I was not going to hit the next line of parked cars over. The lady got very animated with her hurry up gestures so I decided that she would be better off not waiting for me to get out of my spot. "Go find another empty one so you can pull in immediately. " I told her that by simply pulling back into my spot and sitting there. Ryan, Alena, her friend, Chase and Bart were very amused by it all. It is sad that you feel powerful when being a bitch, however, you are also left with a sense of remorse that you let the inner bitch have her way. Not to mention, in front of the kids to leave a fantastic example of what not to do. They honked at us and finally, finally pulled away to go find another spot. Secretly I hoped they were late for their movie but also secretly I was relieved that the guy didn't get out of the car and start something with Bart. Because Bart does not back down. Wrong or right. He is as stubborn as..............Ryan. And the mules they both rode in on.

Chase won his pre seaon football scrimmage. I think this may be a good year for the West Jordan Mighty Mites White Team. Happiness for me is
1) Michael and Dylan and Chase are on the same team making carpool easier for me and practice a whole lot more fun for them.
2) Same coach this year who believes in having fun is the number one priority and winning the game comes second. Makes for a whole lot less crying.
3) One of Chase's teammates from last year is the son of the high school football coach. His mother is the high school football team's photographer. Every game she is out there with her 75 foot lens and camera taking pictures of the boys. And at the end of the year we get a fabulous CD with thousands of gorgeous pictures. Can you say "Happy Day about the CD again this year" boys and girls? I love my camera and it was the best one I could get without the 75 foot lens. It is 12x optical which is pretty dang good but it doesn't compare to hers.
4) Chase loves it. He does. He loves the game.
5) Bart is coaching and is involved in Chase's life. I know that Bart has risen above his father's example of parenthood by 200% already. I recognize the effort that he makes and it is unknown territory to him as far as anything he learned from his family. And you know what, I think he likes it.

My pick for the Grammy

I am watching Notting Hill right now.

I have decided at this instant that it is my all time favorite movie.

It has my all time favorite scene in it.

It has my all time favorite conversation lines in it.

"Big feet..........large shoes." "It's as if I have taken love heroin." "Happiness isn't happiness without a violin playing goat." "Flopsy"

And it has my all time favorite sidekick in it. Rhys. He is classic.

And finally it uses my all time favorite song. It is simply my favorite song because it makes my heart become disconnected from my body and slowly slide down my face. Every time. Every damn time. No matter what.

I can't believe that my version of real love comes from a movie. A carefully scripted and fantastically casted movie but nevertheless a product of Hollywood.

Truly, when Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant try to climb over a fence and get into a little park at the end of their first date I have to stick myself in the freezer to keep from melting all over the couch. I have been at that park. I have laughed at those jokes. I have had that moment and looked into someone else's eyes. And it was oh, so breathtaking. Somehow they captured the magic and put it on a DVD so that I could have and keep that moment on my shelf.

I never wanted to stash that moment on a dusty shelf but there is no room for it with all the diapers and homework and soccer call lists that seem to take up all the room on my counters.

I hope with every molecule in my body that there will be a time for it soon. And that the magic will show up and surprise and delight me. Because it is one of the few ways I know of that really allows you to know you are living life and not just moving along with the current.

But for now I will continue to watch Notting Hill and hope.

Kissing Summer Goodbye

3 months. 90 days. Can it be over?

Ryan and McKenzie featured here go back to school on Monday. Chase and Cooper have already been back 4 weeks now. I have been ignoring the signs of fall for that long now. It is so evident that the days are getting shorter. Not cooler yet but definately shorter. Thank goodness Mother Nature knows that it is hard enough to get kids to go to bed for early school mornings without an super duper elongated day.

You gotta love her.

Just as my flowers are a little wilted from all the hot rays of succulent sun she opens her arms and starts throwing out manna from heaven.


You don't even need to go into the kitchen to create a meal. You can stay outside in her living room with the trampoline boy.

Because this summer as Ryan turned 13 you realized that 13 years just went like "snap" and they were over. Gone. Done. How many peaches did I make her eat? How many peaches did I eat with her? Did I teach her that peaches were better than french fries? Did I watch her do enough somersaults on the tramp that she knows I love her? Does she feel enough security that she can let go of childhood and become a little lady?

Mother Nature is certainly as busy working on her Ryan creation as she is tending to the tomatoes in my garden.

They are both almost ripe. So maybe while I am trying to say my goodbyes to summer, Ryan is really saying "Hello. I didn't know you were right behind me. So glad you're here. We are going to have such a good time."

Saying goodbye to summer and my baby may just prove to be beyond the balm of a simple BLT sandwich.

The truth about my butt

Monday: Finding Neverland

Tuesday: The Mask of Zorro

My arms hurt from the the weights on Monday. I dread the thought of doing my upper body routine tomorrow morning but Brian says that you have to have a little bit of soreness to make something happen. Something like not having so many rolls on your back.

I think that maybe what added to my delusional state of thinking I was semi not fat is that a LOT of my fat is clinging to my back and butt so it can hide from my eyes. I mean, I am a truth seeking, call it like it is kindof girl and yet I have been living in the semi not fat world for so so long. How could that happen?

It's all jiggly wiggly behind me.

When I wasn't here I was there

Isn't he cute? Owen Hinckley Solomon. Born on July 29, 2006. 8 lbs 4 ozs. 21 inches. Firstborn to my brother Mark Solomon and Bridgette Hodson (sp?) Solomon. Right now he resides in Oregon but apparently they will be moving to California in another month or two.

It was very easy to be reminded why I wanted another baby.

And it was also very easy to see that I would never get to the gym again in at least two years. Cardio cinema here I come! Maybe if I'm lucky they will be playing Look Who's Talking or 9 Months.

Kidding!

Speaking of movies, went to go see Step Up starring Channing Tatum with 8 13 year olds last night. It is not right for a man to be that good looking. Not right I tell you.

Home

Being home is balm to my soul.

Apparently my soul relishes chaos. Needs acceptable amounts of clutter. Desires the pulling and the pushing to become something better. Finds joy in the duty and responsiblity of motherhood. Appreciates the safety of having an already forged relationship to come back to. Loves the souls of the others I call family.

Perhaps I need to stop listening to this loud whiny body of mine and get beyond to the quiet hush of my soul more often.

Too tired to make a Title

Up at 5 am again to go to the gym. I worked with the weights and I am already sore. So much for for any upper body strength that I thought I had. I was mildly excited to see the case for Batman Returns showing as playing in the cardio cinema. All this hype about Heath Ledger playing the new joker has made me want to see it again. However, when I walked in it was Red Eye that was playing.

Gag.

I didn't stay.

We did have Chase's friend birthday bash today. I took 6 boys under the age of 12 to the water park. By myself. We waited for Cooper to come home from school, picked up his five year old friend and took off.
Although he is absolutely not ready to be on his own, Cooper's new five year old attitude is "I don't need you, mom." I mean, he bumped his head a few days ago on my headboard. I said "Are you alright? That must have hurt."
His reply: "Mom, I'm five now. It's fine." brushing away my hands.
Needless to say, I spent 6 hours today chasing after a child who thought he was 11 years old and taller than the 3 feet of water I wanted him to stay in.
Water and children make my anxiety disorder seem normal. I mean, technically, you can't be too careful around water with children. Especially 83 million gallons of H2O. So, for a whole day I was a completely normal mother using her eyes in the front, back and side of her head, not letting the kids out of her sight for a moment and applying layers and layers of suntan lotion.

Fortunately

Fortunately, I have already been to the gym today twice and it is only noon.

Unfortunately, the first time was at 5 am in the morning.

Fortunately, Brian, my body builder friend was already there and waiting to show me how to do all the weight training that will lose me 30 pounds.

Unfortunately, Brian, my other friend that is such a putz to his wife, was there as well.

Fortunately, Brian and I were done by 6 am.

Unfortunately, he wants me to come back tomorrow morning so he can go through the scheduled workout with me.

Fortunately, I can go back to bed tomorrow morning as well.

Unfortunately, he tells me that I can't eat anything but salad after 4 pm if I won't go on a real diet.

Fortunately, I know from experience that as you get in shape you have less sugar cravings.

Unfortunately, today I have already eaten 2 Krispie Kremes.

Fortunately, I was able to watch Miss Congeniality II today while doing cardio during my second visit.

Unfortunately, even after my cardio workout I am nowhere close to looking like Sandra Bullock.

And there is no fortunately about that.

The Coolest Thing

I have a goal to go to the gym for 6 weeks straight. Well, really my goal is to lose weight. I am sick of being large margish. I want to WANT to get a family picture taken that I am included in. I don't want to strain my heart to carry around unnecessary weight. I want to be sexy even if I can't work it for anyone but my husband. I want to be able to go buy whatever clothes I want, not the clothes that simply make me look the thinnest.

I realize that I will have to give up some eating habits but I am focusing on the gym goal right now. It has just gotten easier.

My gym was just remodeled. It added a new women's section, expanded daycare, and THE COOLEST THING ever. It is called a cardio cinema. Essentially, it is a simply a movie theater with treadmills, elliptical machines, bikes and stairmasters instead of chairs. Since Cooper started school last Tuesday I have been spending an hour there every day. I never get to finish the movie but it is so WONDERFUL not to have to deal with commercials. I love it! So I am going to add an additional line to my blog every day. It will be the movie that I watched. Even if I don't write anything else I am going to do this so I will have another check and balance to get me to the gym every day.

Day 7--TODAY'S MOVIE: The Producers.

Math problems

1. Cooper started kindergarten this last week. His first day was Tuesday. The first day his teacher was the same woman that greeted us for kindergarten orientation. The second day his teacher was a woman with black hair. The third day the kindergarteners had a teacher who had blonde short hair. Finally on Friday, the woman who opened the classroom door was named Mrs. Long. She had red hair. How many different teachers has Cooper had in his first week?

2. Ryan gets 17 phone calls a day. For every 5 times that Amber calls, Cameron calls twice. If Amber calls 15 times a day, how many times does Cameron call a day?


3. Bridgette and my brother Mark finally had their baby. It was born Sunday July 30 and is doing very well. They live in Oregon. It takes 2 hours to get to Oregon from Salt Lake City by plane. It takes 11.5 hours to get to Oregon from Salt Lake City by car. How many teeth grinding, gut wrenching painful minutes does Kim save herself by flying to Oregon to see the baby rather than driving?

4. Kim has started exercising again. In the last week she went to the gym 4 times. She ran on the treadmill for 40 minutes each day. She lifted weights to minimize her hips, her abdomen and her gluteous maximus 30 minutes each day. How many days do you think she can go this week?

Answers will be corrected and sent back in 1-2 business days. Good luck!

Need I say more?

It is 2:13 pm on August 1st 2006. The phone rings and there is a 13 year old boy voice on the phone asking for Ryan.

The Day After

They found Destiny yesturday night.

She was found in the basement of a neighbor. The house that backs up to her house.

She was dead.

I have had so many emotions wash over me today.

We are waiting on so many details about the murderer and how he was caught and even how long she has been dead. The family is screaming at the police about botching the job. The suspect's wife is saying he was set up. It is still just as intense as when she was missing.

Quietly, as a mother and a woman and a believer, there is simply a sigh of relief that her trial is over. I cling to the feeling .....or maybe the feeling clings to me that she is in a better place. That she is being loved and taken care of. That she has become an innocent, happy child again and nothing will ever ever hurt her again.

It's all about me

May I direct your attention to the time of the this post. It is 6 am AGAIN. And I am already up, awake and downtown. Bart decided to run another 10K and I have to be his driver, his water boy and his cheerleader. Yes, I know my partner is running a 10K. He is so healthy and such a good athlete. But I just wanted you to know that I got up before 6 two times in a row. Go me!

What I learned this weekend

1) 40ish year old women can be as dumb as 13 year olds. My 13 year old is in a figh with her two best friends. Very normal for most girls but these three have never been in a fight before. I have been very tempted to get involved, however, I have restrained myself. Even though, I sometimes feel like the mother to all three of them I knew it was not really my place to get involved. It makes me very sad as I love all three of them. Sometimes I don't know which one I love the most. They are so cute. Ryan told me that during camp this last month they had to name things that make them smile. It wasn't my biological daughter that said "Ryan's mom." Anyways, Saturday morning Sarah's mother called our house to get Sarah's shirt back from Ryan. Sarah's mother! I ask Ryan, "In the last week has Sarah lost her language skills? Has she forgotten your phone number in 7 days?" I guess we will find out if and when the fight ends.
2) I will never own 2 dogs. Never. Ever. And maybe I will have to admit to myself that deep down I do not truly believe that a dog is "just another" part of the family because I don't care if he does not have a friend to hang with. Since Wednesday we have been dogsitting for our friends that are in New York. Both of our dogs are about 6 months old. They have had a pretty good time together but the activity of choice is tusseling and then they fit in a bit of wrestling and fighting. They have squeezed in a couple hours of digging holes as well. Bart has reminded me that they are also doing the one up contest on who can poop the biggest pile. I would call them both winners and me the loser of that one.
3) 106 degree weather is not the ideal temperature for a soccer tournament. And I was only watching!
4) I can get myself up at 5 am. Last week a little 5 year old girl came up missing from her home at about 8:30 pm. She did not want to get ready for bed and after her parents and her had an argument she went outside for a couple of minutes to "cool off." When her parents went outside to get her, maybe 10 minutes later she was gone. And she hasn't been seen since.
This morning my mother, my mother in law and I went and volunteered for the search. I have been trying to get up earlier than 7 my whole summer hiatus and haven't managed to be successful. This morning I did it. I did it for the the little girl. I did it for her mother. I did it for the horror of waking to the nightmare of not knowing where one of your children are. I did it because I couldn't ignore the million of glass shards in my heart feeling when I even thought about not knowing where Ryan, Chase or Cooper were and if I would ever see them again. I ended up spending the day registering people in for their searches and forming teams. I saw so many people in so many walks of life come and give up their day(s) to search for this little girl. I recognized the need in their eyes to do something.
To not let the evil win.
To separate themselves from the wicked.
To take a stand against those that hurt innocent.
To keep hope alive.
5) I have a lot to be thankful for.

The real post is in the parenthesis

I feel like I am blogging like I am living my life right now. There is so many things to blog about. Posts buzz around in my head at all times. I conjure titles at every turn. But then when I get down to the nuts and bolts of writing the whole thing, my determination, my will power deserts me. Or maybe there are too many distractions and so it is just easier not to try and focus on something I want to do. On a larger scale, I wake up every morning with tens of things on my plate. And at the end of the night there they are again. Right there on the plate next to the steak and the nachos I had for dinner. Maybe I move them under that last bite of pecan pie or the melted puddle of ice cream so they are not so obvious at the end of the day. I cannot kick start myself into doing a whole lot of work on my goals. My energy is diffused into the three children's activities. (Lately, well, yesturday, I was told I was a good mother but lacking on the wife skills. And I can agree with that. That in a nutshell is why I didn't want to have kids in the first place. Ever. I recognized that I would morph into a mother and I didn't want that. I didn't want to lose Kim. But Kim will always come second to the kids--at least, until they are older and probably out of the house and that technically means that Bart will come second as well. Rationally, I know that is wrong. I think that is where a lot of the work to make a marriage strong comes in. It is a relationship that can be put on the back burner quite easily. And I can live with it on the back burner for quite a while. But even I have to admit that I am lacking in adult conversation and adult mentality on most days due to the large presence of children in my summer life. For some reason, I cannot come to an agreement with the two entities. It is either one or the other that wins and lives the day. That is ok except a lot of my self satisfaction is based on accomplishments and finishing lists. Mother lives are frusterating because you do know you are doing what is right being there for the kids. You want to be there for the kids. You enjoy being there for the kids. But you still want to go dancing for yourself. And most of the time, you just don't have the energy for it at the end of the day/week. Or you don't have friends that want to go dancing or the friends are needed to be mom at the time that you yourself can go dancing. Or hell, you just want to finish a project you started two months ago. Or a conversation. Hmmmm....
And then there is that amazing bit of human nature that comes into play when the new full time mother is capable and available. The father's human nature is to suddenly stop doing any little bit they were pitching in before the aforementioned mother quit. They figure they can go back to being simply the breadwinner. Sigh. But that is simply an observation. Or a warm over excuse as to why I don't do anything for me. Not acceptable.
I marvel at the complexity of our familial states.)
Having said all that in parenthesis, I will be diffusing my energy at a soccer tournament that starts today. Going to pack meeting to watch Chase graduate from Webolos into a full fledged boy scout. Planning Chase's birthday party.....you know the one where the 10 year old boys dress up to look like Nacho Libre and go to the theatre to watch the movie. Are you kidding?!??! Probaby going to Richfield or at least, sending Bart and the boys off. Celebrating my mother's birthday. Happy birthday dear mom! And hoping the Bridgette and Mark's baby comes out so we can see a picture.

Welcome to Glenwood

This is a very ironic post for me. I have been married to Bart for over a decade. I made him promise that we would never move back to Richfield, his home town, before we were married. Richfield is not really his home town. It is the town that his little suburb, Glenwood, is linked to. I used to shutter thinking of living in that small town. I used to have to breathe deeply many times and do centering exercises just to be able to spend two piddly weekend days down there. But apparently things do change. This last week I actually chose to go down to Glenwood on my own.

Cooper, Chase and I took Grandma Gail and Lily down to Glenwood. I wanted to see the above view from Bart's front door. I wanted to ride my four wheeler.



This is my four wheeler. See the "special seat" in the back. Since Cooper was 2 he has been riding with me. I can't explain the freedom, the fun, the communion with nature, the fulfillment, the stress relief that this machine symbolizes for me. I literally cry tears of joy every time we go for a ride. Glenwood is this little town which you can drive your four wheeler around the entire town. Glenwood is a hub for about 400 trails that you can drive out and about on your four wheeler. Just 3 weeks ago, the whole family went for a 80 mile ride. It was a challenging day but we had a good time. This visit to Glenwood we took Chase's friend and they spent their days fishing with Grandpa.




Cooper and Lily and I spent our time riding, visiting cows, playing at the park and exploring the local swimming hole. And it was such a blast! I loved it.







I love Glenwood. For the time being, it is conditional love. I only love Glenwood in the Spring, Summer and Fall. I have yet to see the beauty in the winter. When I am riding around on my four wheeler I feel like my movie soundtrack is playing "Zippity Doo Dah" and there is a cartoon bird sitting upon my shoulder. For some time now, Bart and I have had a plan to buy a piece of property where the old dance hall used to be and build a house there. Apparently, things can and do change. And that is a good thing because it makes life interesting.

Something to get your imagination going

http://outlander.evenstar.de/

This webpage has pictures options of potential actors to cast all parts in the hoped for upcoming Outlander movie. YUM!

Oh, I just love Jamie and Claire. And there is no sign of the next book coming out anytime soon.

My Party Invite List

I definitely have a disconnect somewhere.

This weekend we went to go see a movie: Pirates but couldn't get in for 5 hours so we settled for Click. It was pure Adam Sandler formula movie. Crude, rude and then a touching little message under all the humping and the boob jokes. It was a "Family comes first" and "Love rules" kind of message. Not a necessarily new message. However, I am in the midst of the life struggle just like everyone else. I am amazed at how many things are out there that do try to destroy family. Sometimes daily, I feel like I do battle for my family unity. Whether it be to get my son off the computer so we can have a conversation, motivating my daughter to clean up our house, our family "retreat" that should be kept up, working with my husband to live in the present and not put all his eggs in the investment basket or even fighting myself to settle down and play a meaningless game with the baby instead of trying to get something on my list done. And most of the time, I feel like I am the only one trying to make sure there is some family unity. That makes me battle weary.
Upon reflection, I appreciate that Adam Sandler with all his crudeness makes it a point to laud the importance of the familly. The thing that worries me: It took me two hours to open up and let these actors into my heart to the point that I was completely engulfed in the make believe story with scripted actors. And I was bawling. Crying. Weeping. Sobbing. Tears were welling up and making their way over the tear duct barricades and making their way down my cheeks in waves. They issued a flood warning in theater 9. I wanted to run back home and lay in my bed and give way to hysterics but that simply did not do for a Frirday night. So I buttoned it up and we went to Iggy's for nachos.
So. So what? It doesn't bother me (too much) that I get all gooey and mushy over fake people in movies, in sitcoms (friends), in books (Jamie and Claire). What does bother me is that over this same weekend a neighbor woman and I were chatting-- I really like this lady. She has her head on straight, her kids are excellent, brings interesting conversations to the soccer field sidelines and I like her laugh-- chatting about exercising. When she asked me if I wanted to walk with her everyday I immediately froze up inside, got scared, felt anxious, didn't want to ruin our easy acquaintance for the chance of a good friendship. How messed up is that?

Apparently, I will be inviting Adam Sandler and Ross Geller to my next birthday because I will have no real life friends to invite.

We interrupt this summer vacation for a 4th of July vacation

Shame on me for being such a poor blogger. It hasn't been for lack of things to blog about. I have determined that life is just busy and most of the time I wouldn't have it any other way. I enjoy filling up the little boxes on my monthly calendar with lunches, soccer, camps, classes, parties and activities. We just went on the 2nd annual 4th of July Montana trip. Just as fun as the first year! Except that I was sick for 4 days of it. And couldn't fulfill my goal of eating 17 soft serve ice cones like last year. The weather was great. The river was flowing. The foilage was gorgeous green. The company was delightful.
I love it up there in Dearborne, Montana. It is a little community hunkered up next to the Missouri River inbetween Great Falls and Helena-probably 40 miles each way. I continue to wonder if I would make it through an isolated winter up there but fortunately for me, it isn't pertinent that I know that answer because I am not going to have to do that anytime soon.
We floated the river 2 days and had our own firework display 2 nights. The husbands turn 10 years old in the face of fireworks. It is amazing and an eternal truth. The boy tent and the girl tent faced off every night withs silly string, water balloons and tent raids. There was a great joy in riding the four wheelers and the motorcycles all over the fields. The only damper came when we were told there was a mountain lion prowling around up at the waterfall so we couldn't go there. But we were still happy because last year both Chase and Braxton got some nasty road rash crashing their motorcycles and there was none of that this year. Yea! Cindy brought the huge bonzai falls slide and we just had ourselves a water rodeo.
We went to church on Sunday and was delighted and charmed with the small town feel of the congregation. I felt like I was in Mitford. I could see the characters from the book. They were even having a potluck after church if there was need for the perfect finishing touch. However, I have to add that although it added to the sense of small town I was so disappointed in the lack of acknowledgement for the birth of our country. I have such strong feelings for the forefathers of our country. And even though I truly believe that God's hand was in everything that they did I know that when they signed the Declaration of Independence with their solemn pledge swearing "their lives, their fortunes and their sacred honor" to fighting for freedom they meant it. They looked death and war and sacrifice in the face and chose to fight for independence. Whew!
ANYWAYS, it was really fun being at the home of the chinese laundress and her husband Kyle. She really never did stop doing laundry. And I am so thankful to them for inviting us and Cindy and Brian for continuing to call us friends.

Happy Belated Birthday Cooper

Cooper turned 5 this week. I can’t even begin to describe how I feel about this child.

All of the sudden, I just started wanting/needing/knowing it was coming: a baby. It is probably one of the most concrete spiritual experiences in my life. I just knew that Cooper was on his way. And it was scary. Our life was getting easier. Chase was already 5 years old. No diapers. No bottles. Full sentences. And there had been too many days of young parenthood that had made me feel isolated, abandoned, lonely and stuck that I had not yet forgotten. On top of that, I was working full time. Who would tend the little latecomer? Those are a lot of rational arguments that this feeling/urge/knowledge was competing with. In addition, there was still another partner that had to consent.
When Bart so easily agreed to my idea of the baby, I again was struck by the universe’s hand in my little life. He knew as well. But then to make sure that we did not ignore our freshly planted convictions, cosmic forces made sure we got pregnant the first time we did not invite birth control to participate. Again, I was given the gift of knowing from the very instant that he was on his way. It was an intense experience in that I still feel the awe 5 years and 9 months later. I am still able to conjure a wonderful memory that Bart shares. It is magical that it can be and it should be love that brings a little human into this life.
I spent the next 9 months praying the same little prayer over and over. Bless me with the courage and strength. Every day. I prayed that when I had to tell my boss that I would be leaving for 16 weeks 8 months before the Olympics would be coming to our town. I prayed that when my single 19 year old sister in law told us that she would be having a baby at the same exact time as us I prayed that when I had to do down newspaper routes for 3 months straight during the pregnancy. I prayed that while I was having trouble breathing not knowing what the future was bringing to me. I was blessed with amazing health. I was blessed with peace and calm. I continued wanting/needing/knowing that the child was coming.
And so when he came I was already absolutely irrevocably in love.

And I still am. He is definitely the baby of our family. He is definitely spoiled. The world revolves around his 5 year old little body. And sometimes it does. My world has moved over on it’s axis to be closer to him. He continues to be a spiritual experience for me because I ENJOY him so much.

Hey! This post is all about me. I thought the birthday post was supposed to be about them. I’d better get to it.

His heart is so pure. Last night when I put him to bed he wanted to tell me three things he was sad about: Jasper, his 5 year old cousin who is currently residing in Italy with his military doctor father. They were such good friends and it breaks my heart not to be able to somehow get them together. Two little boys, two bowl haircuts and two out of the world smiles. I miss that picture too. He wanted to tell me that he was missing Jasper. He was sad about his toy that he has lost and we just haven’t found it yet. And he is sad again about not getting to say goodbye to his other cousins that we saw this weekend. They were camping at Fish Lake this last weekend so we four wheeled over to them and when we left he was not able to look them each in the eye and say goodbye. We were trying to beat the night home so we couldn’t go back. I promised him that we would see them again but apparently, I was told and this is how most parents do it I owe him a dollar every day until he sees them again and gets to say goodbye. He was also sad that he has not seen any dollars from me. I told him that was the 4th thing he was sad about and we were only going to talk about three sad things. Maybe his heart isn’t so pure.
We put him in soccer this past year in Fall. And it shocked us all speechless when the child would not leave us to go out on the field. In his 4 plus years, Cooper has gone to countless soccer games. In fact, he had a pair of soccer cleats when he was 2. He would walk around in Chase and Ryan’s cleats so much that finally Grandma Janet went and found some gently used 2 year old cleats for him. He wore them everywhere. He was going to be a soccer player like his brother and sister Maybe he is already burned out on the sport but there was nothing that could be said, promised, threatened to make him go out on the field and play a game or even practice. It was a horrible weather season. We stood at the edge of soccer fields in rain, snow, wind and hardly any sunshine. It was horrible but I wanted him to see that we still have an obligation to our team even if we didn’t go out and play on the field. Needless to say I didn’t enroll him this spring. I have a feeling that part of his life is over. I feel certain he will be a full fledged player out there this next year although he may be a baseball player much to my dismay and Bart’s joy.
Since he was a little tyke and had enough hair, Cooper has his own calming technique. He runs his fingers up through his hair. You could consistently watch this when he is preparing to go to sleep. You could observe this when he has gotten hurt and needs additional loving. His habit has decreased lately probably because he gets more comfort from conversation and interaction now. However, I still see the fingers now and then and it soothes me as well. This has prevented me from giving him any other haircut other than his bowl cut. Not that I ever would! Never! Ever! Even though Daci, my sister in law and hair clinician, continuously tells me that it isn’t trendy.
Ahhhhh. The little boy has awoken. He has dressed himself in an orange shirt. (what other color?) and apparently we have a date with the Frisbee.