The Day After

They found Destiny yesturday night.

She was found in the basement of a neighbor. The house that backs up to her house.

She was dead.

I have had so many emotions wash over me today.

We are waiting on so many details about the murderer and how he was caught and even how long she has been dead. The family is screaming at the police about botching the job. The suspect's wife is saying he was set up. It is still just as intense as when she was missing.

Quietly, as a mother and a woman and a believer, there is simply a sigh of relief that her trial is over. I cling to the feeling .....or maybe the feeling clings to me that she is in a better place. That she is being loved and taken care of. That she has become an innocent, happy child again and nothing will ever ever hurt her again.

It's all about me

May I direct your attention to the time of the this post. It is 6 am AGAIN. And I am already up, awake and downtown. Bart decided to run another 10K and I have to be his driver, his water boy and his cheerleader. Yes, I know my partner is running a 10K. He is so healthy and such a good athlete. But I just wanted you to know that I got up before 6 two times in a row. Go me!

What I learned this weekend

1) 40ish year old women can be as dumb as 13 year olds. My 13 year old is in a figh with her two best friends. Very normal for most girls but these three have never been in a fight before. I have been very tempted to get involved, however, I have restrained myself. Even though, I sometimes feel like the mother to all three of them I knew it was not really my place to get involved. It makes me very sad as I love all three of them. Sometimes I don't know which one I love the most. They are so cute. Ryan told me that during camp this last month they had to name things that make them smile. It wasn't my biological daughter that said "Ryan's mom." Anyways, Saturday morning Sarah's mother called our house to get Sarah's shirt back from Ryan. Sarah's mother! I ask Ryan, "In the last week has Sarah lost her language skills? Has she forgotten your phone number in 7 days?" I guess we will find out if and when the fight ends.
2) I will never own 2 dogs. Never. Ever. And maybe I will have to admit to myself that deep down I do not truly believe that a dog is "just another" part of the family because I don't care if he does not have a friend to hang with. Since Wednesday we have been dogsitting for our friends that are in New York. Both of our dogs are about 6 months old. They have had a pretty good time together but the activity of choice is tusseling and then they fit in a bit of wrestling and fighting. They have squeezed in a couple hours of digging holes as well. Bart has reminded me that they are also doing the one up contest on who can poop the biggest pile. I would call them both winners and me the loser of that one.
3) 106 degree weather is not the ideal temperature for a soccer tournament. And I was only watching!
4) I can get myself up at 5 am. Last week a little 5 year old girl came up missing from her home at about 8:30 pm. She did not want to get ready for bed and after her parents and her had an argument she went outside for a couple of minutes to "cool off." When her parents went outside to get her, maybe 10 minutes later she was gone. And she hasn't been seen since.
This morning my mother, my mother in law and I went and volunteered for the search. I have been trying to get up earlier than 7 my whole summer hiatus and haven't managed to be successful. This morning I did it. I did it for the the little girl. I did it for her mother. I did it for the horror of waking to the nightmare of not knowing where one of your children are. I did it because I couldn't ignore the million of glass shards in my heart feeling when I even thought about not knowing where Ryan, Chase or Cooper were and if I would ever see them again. I ended up spending the day registering people in for their searches and forming teams. I saw so many people in so many walks of life come and give up their day(s) to search for this little girl. I recognized the need in their eyes to do something.
To not let the evil win.
To separate themselves from the wicked.
To take a stand against those that hurt innocent.
To keep hope alive.
5) I have a lot to be thankful for.

The real post is in the parenthesis

I feel like I am blogging like I am living my life right now. There is so many things to blog about. Posts buzz around in my head at all times. I conjure titles at every turn. But then when I get down to the nuts and bolts of writing the whole thing, my determination, my will power deserts me. Or maybe there are too many distractions and so it is just easier not to try and focus on something I want to do. On a larger scale, I wake up every morning with tens of things on my plate. And at the end of the night there they are again. Right there on the plate next to the steak and the nachos I had for dinner. Maybe I move them under that last bite of pecan pie or the melted puddle of ice cream so they are not so obvious at the end of the day. I cannot kick start myself into doing a whole lot of work on my goals. My energy is diffused into the three children's activities. (Lately, well, yesturday, I was told I was a good mother but lacking on the wife skills. And I can agree with that. That in a nutshell is why I didn't want to have kids in the first place. Ever. I recognized that I would morph into a mother and I didn't want that. I didn't want to lose Kim. But Kim will always come second to the kids--at least, until they are older and probably out of the house and that technically means that Bart will come second as well. Rationally, I know that is wrong. I think that is where a lot of the work to make a marriage strong comes in. It is a relationship that can be put on the back burner quite easily. And I can live with it on the back burner for quite a while. But even I have to admit that I am lacking in adult conversation and adult mentality on most days due to the large presence of children in my summer life. For some reason, I cannot come to an agreement with the two entities. It is either one or the other that wins and lives the day. That is ok except a lot of my self satisfaction is based on accomplishments and finishing lists. Mother lives are frusterating because you do know you are doing what is right being there for the kids. You want to be there for the kids. You enjoy being there for the kids. But you still want to go dancing for yourself. And most of the time, you just don't have the energy for it at the end of the day/week. Or you don't have friends that want to go dancing or the friends are needed to be mom at the time that you yourself can go dancing. Or hell, you just want to finish a project you started two months ago. Or a conversation. Hmmmm....
And then there is that amazing bit of human nature that comes into play when the new full time mother is capable and available. The father's human nature is to suddenly stop doing any little bit they were pitching in before the aforementioned mother quit. They figure they can go back to being simply the breadwinner. Sigh. But that is simply an observation. Or a warm over excuse as to why I don't do anything for me. Not acceptable.
I marvel at the complexity of our familial states.)
Having said all that in parenthesis, I will be diffusing my energy at a soccer tournament that starts today. Going to pack meeting to watch Chase graduate from Webolos into a full fledged boy scout. Planning Chase's birthday party.....you know the one where the 10 year old boys dress up to look like Nacho Libre and go to the theatre to watch the movie. Are you kidding?!??! Probaby going to Richfield or at least, sending Bart and the boys off. Celebrating my mother's birthday. Happy birthday dear mom! And hoping the Bridgette and Mark's baby comes out so we can see a picture.

Welcome to Glenwood

This is a very ironic post for me. I have been married to Bart for over a decade. I made him promise that we would never move back to Richfield, his home town, before we were married. Richfield is not really his home town. It is the town that his little suburb, Glenwood, is linked to. I used to shutter thinking of living in that small town. I used to have to breathe deeply many times and do centering exercises just to be able to spend two piddly weekend days down there. But apparently things do change. This last week I actually chose to go down to Glenwood on my own.

Cooper, Chase and I took Grandma Gail and Lily down to Glenwood. I wanted to see the above view from Bart's front door. I wanted to ride my four wheeler.



This is my four wheeler. See the "special seat" in the back. Since Cooper was 2 he has been riding with me. I can't explain the freedom, the fun, the communion with nature, the fulfillment, the stress relief that this machine symbolizes for me. I literally cry tears of joy every time we go for a ride. Glenwood is this little town which you can drive your four wheeler around the entire town. Glenwood is a hub for about 400 trails that you can drive out and about on your four wheeler. Just 3 weeks ago, the whole family went for a 80 mile ride. It was a challenging day but we had a good time. This visit to Glenwood we took Chase's friend and they spent their days fishing with Grandpa.




Cooper and Lily and I spent our time riding, visiting cows, playing at the park and exploring the local swimming hole. And it was such a blast! I loved it.







I love Glenwood. For the time being, it is conditional love. I only love Glenwood in the Spring, Summer and Fall. I have yet to see the beauty in the winter. When I am riding around on my four wheeler I feel like my movie soundtrack is playing "Zippity Doo Dah" and there is a cartoon bird sitting upon my shoulder. For some time now, Bart and I have had a plan to buy a piece of property where the old dance hall used to be and build a house there. Apparently, things can and do change. And that is a good thing because it makes life interesting.

Something to get your imagination going

http://outlander.evenstar.de/

This webpage has pictures options of potential actors to cast all parts in the hoped for upcoming Outlander movie. YUM!

Oh, I just love Jamie and Claire. And there is no sign of the next book coming out anytime soon.

My Party Invite List

I definitely have a disconnect somewhere.

This weekend we went to go see a movie: Pirates but couldn't get in for 5 hours so we settled for Click. It was pure Adam Sandler formula movie. Crude, rude and then a touching little message under all the humping and the boob jokes. It was a "Family comes first" and "Love rules" kind of message. Not a necessarily new message. However, I am in the midst of the life struggle just like everyone else. I am amazed at how many things are out there that do try to destroy family. Sometimes daily, I feel like I do battle for my family unity. Whether it be to get my son off the computer so we can have a conversation, motivating my daughter to clean up our house, our family "retreat" that should be kept up, working with my husband to live in the present and not put all his eggs in the investment basket or even fighting myself to settle down and play a meaningless game with the baby instead of trying to get something on my list done. And most of the time, I feel like I am the only one trying to make sure there is some family unity. That makes me battle weary.
Upon reflection, I appreciate that Adam Sandler with all his crudeness makes it a point to laud the importance of the familly. The thing that worries me: It took me two hours to open up and let these actors into my heart to the point that I was completely engulfed in the make believe story with scripted actors. And I was bawling. Crying. Weeping. Sobbing. Tears were welling up and making their way over the tear duct barricades and making their way down my cheeks in waves. They issued a flood warning in theater 9. I wanted to run back home and lay in my bed and give way to hysterics but that simply did not do for a Frirday night. So I buttoned it up and we went to Iggy's for nachos.
So. So what? It doesn't bother me (too much) that I get all gooey and mushy over fake people in movies, in sitcoms (friends), in books (Jamie and Claire). What does bother me is that over this same weekend a neighbor woman and I were chatting-- I really like this lady. She has her head on straight, her kids are excellent, brings interesting conversations to the soccer field sidelines and I like her laugh-- chatting about exercising. When she asked me if I wanted to walk with her everyday I immediately froze up inside, got scared, felt anxious, didn't want to ruin our easy acquaintance for the chance of a good friendship. How messed up is that?

Apparently, I will be inviting Adam Sandler and Ross Geller to my next birthday because I will have no real life friends to invite.

We interrupt this summer vacation for a 4th of July vacation

Shame on me for being such a poor blogger. It hasn't been for lack of things to blog about. I have determined that life is just busy and most of the time I wouldn't have it any other way. I enjoy filling up the little boxes on my monthly calendar with lunches, soccer, camps, classes, parties and activities. We just went on the 2nd annual 4th of July Montana trip. Just as fun as the first year! Except that I was sick for 4 days of it. And couldn't fulfill my goal of eating 17 soft serve ice cones like last year. The weather was great. The river was flowing. The foilage was gorgeous green. The company was delightful.
I love it up there in Dearborne, Montana. It is a little community hunkered up next to the Missouri River inbetween Great Falls and Helena-probably 40 miles each way. I continue to wonder if I would make it through an isolated winter up there but fortunately for me, it isn't pertinent that I know that answer because I am not going to have to do that anytime soon.
We floated the river 2 days and had our own firework display 2 nights. The husbands turn 10 years old in the face of fireworks. It is amazing and an eternal truth. The boy tent and the girl tent faced off every night withs silly string, water balloons and tent raids. There was a great joy in riding the four wheelers and the motorcycles all over the fields. The only damper came when we were told there was a mountain lion prowling around up at the waterfall so we couldn't go there. But we were still happy because last year both Chase and Braxton got some nasty road rash crashing their motorcycles and there was none of that this year. Yea! Cindy brought the huge bonzai falls slide and we just had ourselves a water rodeo.
We went to church on Sunday and was delighted and charmed with the small town feel of the congregation. I felt like I was in Mitford. I could see the characters from the book. They were even having a potluck after church if there was need for the perfect finishing touch. However, I have to add that although it added to the sense of small town I was so disappointed in the lack of acknowledgement for the birth of our country. I have such strong feelings for the forefathers of our country. And even though I truly believe that God's hand was in everything that they did I know that when they signed the Declaration of Independence with their solemn pledge swearing "their lives, their fortunes and their sacred honor" to fighting for freedom they meant it. They looked death and war and sacrifice in the face and chose to fight for independence. Whew!
ANYWAYS, it was really fun being at the home of the chinese laundress and her husband Kyle. She really never did stop doing laundry. And I am so thankful to them for inviting us and Cindy and Brian for continuing to call us friends.