The Kiss

I had my first kiss in the shower on the 5th floor of the boys dorms at Shippenburg University.

It was about 4 am. We had snuck upstairs......well, actually we were both too chicken to make the first move. Julie had had to grab both of our hands, join them together and threaten us to move along and find a little space for the two of us.
I was not very good at commitment at 14 years old. However, I did find myself finally liking a guy that I couldn't find another one to replace. I wasn't really willing to wave the white flag and let him stake his claim but I was not able to walk away from him either. We had been "going out" for maybe 6 months or so. Going out. Guffaw, guffaw. We were 14. We didn't drive. We didn't go to the same school. We talked on the phone and saw each other maybe once every weekend if we were lucky.
This weekend was the church's youth retreat. We were spending 60 hours or most of 3 days at Shippenburg University up in Pennsylvania. My best friend and I had spent at least 60 hours planning, preparing and packing for this wonderful weekend.
And it was wonderful. There were so many boys. There were so many fun activities. And there were two dances. I loved dancing. Oh, how I loved dancing. After the dances we were allowed to stay up but we had to stay down in the lobby of the dorms where there were adult chaperones. No roaming allowed.
That is why we ended up in the dark bathroom hiding in one of the shower stalls with one of those little tiled benches in it out in front of the actual shower. We sat there and leaned into each other. Both of us definately wondering how many hours of talking needed to be done before we could kiss.
I have no idea what we talked about. I liked Danny. I really did. But we were 14. We had been up for 48 hours already. We, well, I really only wanted to kiss him so I'm sure the conversation was lacking. In fact, I do remember "waking up" in the middle of sentences that made no sense at all. And there he was agreeing and acting like we were in the middle of intense connecting.
He always chewed Big Red gum. And I remember breathing in the smell of that gum. And I remember that we broke in kissing that night.

And that's all I remember about that night. We went out off and on for 3 more years and there were many more kisses with him that I do remember.

It 's a good memory. Not my best memory but a good one. One that is becoming more important as Ryan steps up for her reign as teenage queen.

I have to remember that the first kiss is part of growing up.
And it is a good part of growing up.
And you can't have too many good parts of growing up.

Thanks Danny.

Deliberate silence since I have nothing to say.

Oh, life keeps moving. I keep moving with it. But I think if life stopped, I would stop. I am simply moving with life's current.

Last week I went to lunch with a friend who asked me if I was going to stay home or go back to work. I completely waffled at the starting line. I couldn't even come up with a complete sentence. I was very aware that she was a mom of 3 children as well. I was very aware of that she is working outside of the home and making more money than her husband. Which means that she will never be able to quit. I was very aware that my husband helps out and is nicer to me than her husband is to her. How could I divulge to her that I wasn't having a very good time staying home? How could I complain about my life when hers seems so much harder? I couldn't. So I stuck an overlarge bite of salad in my mouth and begged off.
I am very aware of the absolute luxury that I am being given to be able to stay home with my children. I am very aware of the pure need that all children have for a mother. I also know without a shadow of a doubt that the world is devilly divine at portraying motherhood, a thankless job, a mundane job, an infuriating job as an unimportant priority. It is also infinitely easier to believe the world rather than the little voice in your heart because I, like most everyone else want to have more money, do things like get pedicures for yourself and have adult conversations every day.

But I also want happy, well adjusted, secure children.

Unfortunately just staying home does not guarantee it. Unfortunately absolutely nothing does. However, as I was watching the movie Invincible and drooling over Mark Wahlberg I was also watching how much the world respects and even compensates a NFL football coach. And I am not talking a few pesos. No, football coaches get a whole enchilada for their efforts. Yes, it is a different job title from stay at home mother but, holy cow batman! it is amazing how similar the job description is.
Coach, teach, give constructive criticism, stand on the sidelines and cheer, provide training, motivate, critique, communicate, demand respect, be a friend, oversee interaction between members of the group, dole out discipline and stand by decisions that are made.

Just like the running tip. Kids are sponges. They are going to take in anything that is in front of them. Good or bad. Positive or negative. They don't know how hard it is to get the bad stuff out once it has gone in. But mothers do. Coaches do. It is our job to make sure the good habits are formed first and then the bad doesn't have room to set up shop.

What a job that sits before me. That I have already undertaken simply by having children. And I have the responsibility whether or not I once again go work outside the home.

No wonder I am silent. These thoughts are no less weighty here in ink than they were in my head.

A running tip

Just a quick check in since I am feeling guilty about not updating.

• Watched Spiderman at the cardio cinema today.
• The other day I was sitting in the cabin with my father and my husband talking about running. During the conversation they just happened to drop a little running hint like it was a donut crumb on the floor. You know, a cake part of the donut without frosting on it. I picked it up and lovingly cupped it in my hand and waiting for the next time I was at the cardio cinema. I wasn't sure but I thought it might be helpful. And it was. Did you know it is harder to breathe out than in when you are running? Did you know that you must work harder to get the bad, used air out to make room for enough good air to come in? And then that allows for more energy and more endurance? I sure didn't. But maybe, just maybe it is an absolute truth theorem that holds true in life as well. You know, one only has so much brain capacity, time in life, memory in the computer's hard drive, hours in one day. If you do the hard work and eliminate the finished, used, old, bad parts that are taking up space you make room for the new, the wiser, the needed counterparts that can help revitalize and reenergize you for the long run ahead. Maybe I should listen to my father and my husband a bit more, eh?

The Middle Child

Today cardio cinema was showing Batman with Michael Keaton and Danny Devito.

Yesturday I was able to run through 30 minutes of Bandits with Billy Bob Thornton and Bruce Willis.

Chase's email address and his fake identity (or is it his true one?) is Billy Bob Joe. When we were down at the waterhole he was catching minnows with his hands. Specifically 3 fish.
Billy.
Bob.
Joe.

And then 3 more for Billy, Bob and Joe who needed girlfriends.

He was the one member of the family that did not get on my nerves this weekend. I have just really enjoyed watching Chase become an individual. He gets up in the morning and goes running. He loves football.



He loves Friday, the dog and spends oodles of time with him. The Nintendo and the Playstation have been set aside for the summer. I love that. However, he does love internet games and he is getting so good at typing. Bart and I both marvel at him on this technology highway machine. It is a good thing too because his handwriting sucks!!! He does have a best friend whom he is nearly impossible to separate from.



He and Michael love making smoothies every day after school. They come in and try a new recipe almost daily. Sometimes they turn out good and sometimes not so good but they drink them anyway. He is just a good natured kid. Who will probably always talk too much but a mother likes that. She doesn't have to sneak around so much to find out secrets.

And so then maybe she can spend more time at the cardio cinema.

The Bright Side

Getting up at 5 am Saturday morning.
Got to drive Bart to another 10K up in Heber, watching the sun rise, smelling the cooking pancakes and seeing the leaves changing colors already up in Park City.

Having to be back from the cabin for Chase's football game at 10:30 am.
I brought Michael, Chase, Kayla, Ryan and Cooper as well as Bart to the cabin to stay over so we could get up early for the race.

Finding out the game was changed to 1:30 pm.
That gave me the chance to go shopping with Ryan and Kayla for halloween costumes. Forced grin here. And rolled eyes.
But it is my job as a mother.

Losing the aforementioned game.
Watching Chase, Michael, and Dylan play this game. Watching the coach fathers grip their hands, hold their tongues and struggle with their language. Feeling pride.

Bart going and buying a truck that costs half our house payment. After telling me that there was no way he was going to increase his payment over his last truck.
It's not the simple life that I want to live but he can afford it.

When 4 out of 5 family members are me causing internal mostly unexplainable anxiety and general pissiness, it is recommended that I dig out the old little blue pill prescription and pop that baby. So I did. And the only reason I didn't take all 20 of them was that I honestly could not imagine being without one the following day.
At least the pills were there in the drawer. T.H.A.N.K. G.O.O.D.N.E.S.S.

Ryan slicing her foot open on a rusty nail out at the waterhole with me being the only adult there.
She was there in the water. Jumping off the diving board. Screaming with joy. None of this little "too cool for school" attitude anywhere to be seen.

Did I mention that Bart bought a truck? He has a honest to goodness spending problem and coupled with my control issues we have some serious problems.
He also bought my four wheelers without my permission and I "heart" them to death. To death. This whole weekend I just drove around with 5 little kids patterning behind me. Bart had gone hunting but he made sure he left me with not just our two four wheelers but three machines so we could all have fun at the same time.

P.S. Cooper decided to drink the hydrogen peroxide that we have been using to clean out Ryan's wound on Tuesday night. Obviously life is continuing forward as planned.
Obviously life is continuing forward as planned.