Deliberate silence since I have nothing to say.

Oh, life keeps moving. I keep moving with it. But I think if life stopped, I would stop. I am simply moving with life's current.

Last week I went to lunch with a friend who asked me if I was going to stay home or go back to work. I completely waffled at the starting line. I couldn't even come up with a complete sentence. I was very aware that she was a mom of 3 children as well. I was very aware of that she is working outside of the home and making more money than her husband. Which means that she will never be able to quit. I was very aware that my husband helps out and is nicer to me than her husband is to her. How could I divulge to her that I wasn't having a very good time staying home? How could I complain about my life when hers seems so much harder? I couldn't. So I stuck an overlarge bite of salad in my mouth and begged off.
I am very aware of the absolute luxury that I am being given to be able to stay home with my children. I am very aware of the pure need that all children have for a mother. I also know without a shadow of a doubt that the world is devilly divine at portraying motherhood, a thankless job, a mundane job, an infuriating job as an unimportant priority. It is also infinitely easier to believe the world rather than the little voice in your heart because I, like most everyone else want to have more money, do things like get pedicures for yourself and have adult conversations every day.

But I also want happy, well adjusted, secure children.

Unfortunately just staying home does not guarantee it. Unfortunately absolutely nothing does. However, as I was watching the movie Invincible and drooling over Mark Wahlberg I was also watching how much the world respects and even compensates a NFL football coach. And I am not talking a few pesos. No, football coaches get a whole enchilada for their efforts. Yes, it is a different job title from stay at home mother but, holy cow batman! it is amazing how similar the job description is.
Coach, teach, give constructive criticism, stand on the sidelines and cheer, provide training, motivate, critique, communicate, demand respect, be a friend, oversee interaction between members of the group, dole out discipline and stand by decisions that are made.

Just like the running tip. Kids are sponges. They are going to take in anything that is in front of them. Good or bad. Positive or negative. They don't know how hard it is to get the bad stuff out once it has gone in. But mothers do. Coaches do. It is our job to make sure the good habits are formed first and then the bad doesn't have room to set up shop.

What a job that sits before me. That I have already undertaken simply by having children. And I have the responsibility whether or not I once again go work outside the home.

No wonder I am silent. These thoughts are no less weighty here in ink than they were in my head.