An Apology to the Universe

Yesturday: It was the weekend. We had done our familial duties. 8 hours of youth sports. In the rain. The wind. The sun. It seemed only right that we should go out and spend a bit of time with adults. Nothing too crazy. At the last minute, we decided to go out to dinner with two other couples. They were close friends. None of this "getting to know you" conversation was necessary. The scenario was very familiar.

We spent 3 hours at the table. It was relaxing. And there was a lot of laughing. Unfortunately most of the laughing came at the expense of another couple that we all know and wasn't there. There was a lot of teasing. Unfortunately most of the fun came from light barbs and cracks about stupid things that were mostly negative about marriage, about sex, about men vs. women, about money sharing. I don't think anyone went home feeling hurt but I don't think that anyone went home feeling uplifted, energized, validated either.

I told Bart later that I didn't see one positive thing come from our night out. How horrible. Not one affirmative feeling, vibe, sparkle went out into the universe from my actions last night. In fact, I think.....er, I know not only did nothing constructive come from my night but maybe there was a negative residue that was left from the night. And so I apologize, o universe. I know better. I know that there are too many nonsparkle things in this world already. I know I don't want that to be my legacy.

Bart does think I am a freak and that's fine but he understands. I am no way saying that one cannot relax, take a break, veg out or do nothing even for an extended amount of time and not continue to be part of the positive. I remember the first time I ever consciously had a perfect day. And it was a day of play. A day of fun. Danny, the same boy mentioned in the previous KISS post had a catamaran which is a sail boat. I think it was our freshman year when he and his couple of friends decided to spend spring break camping and sailing at Chesapeake Bay. Despite all the whining and crying, Jill and I never did get permission to accompany them for the whole week. So we had to be satisfied with a couple of day trips. One day we packed up a lumberjack's breakfast, loaded a couple more of our friends in the car and set off at 4 in the morning. We got there right in time to cook the breakfast buffet and then spend the whole day on the water. There was sun. There was splashing. There was dunking. There was reciting "The Breakfast Club" and "Sixteen Candles" movies word for word contests. There was kissing. Nothing important got done that day. But I remember sitting on the dock watching the sun setting into that endless puddle of water and thinking "Jesus Christ could've spent the day with us." There had not been one derogatory remark. There had not been mean taunts or teasing. There had not been anything to taint the day. The whole day. For me it was startling and life altering realization. You don't have to be in church, you don't have to be serious, you don't even have to be thinking about religious or spiritual things because life and living is spiritual. Having fun, learning, caring about another human being and enjoying the sun is part of the spiritual agenda.

But last night was another story. And I am so sorry.