Lazy is just not as fun as it was when I was a kid. Now I know that the things I am putting off I will still have to do. There is no other mother around to pick up the slack.
For some reason I can't get myself to do anything this weekend. I mean other than the mandatory things. Drive Chase to Lacrosse. Drive back home to wake up Cooper. Dress and feed Cooper and drive him to the Lacrosse game. Watch the Lacrosse game. (win)Put a band aid on Cooper's body. Drive back home. Pick up Ryan and drive to a soccer game in Bountiful. Watch the soccer game. (lose) Drive back home. Go to Cafe Rio's for lunch. Take Ryan tanning (dermological purposes only).
I know sounds busy but last night and this afternoon I haven't done anything but play games on the computer. I am even a little embarressed to have my kids happen upon me. I keep telling myself that I can take a break. That it is ok to be lazy or worthless for a little while. And really if you are just sitting there ignoring all the advice that you are giving yourself and not enjoying the time well then you might as well be doing something.
Any ideas?
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
My Fantasy Men
Still fuming.
He wouldn't even come sit with me at the school play today because he knew. Knew I was still pissed. Not that he was wrong.
But I am also sulking because these are the friends in the neighborhood we have chosen. I do realize that there are better men out there. (Brett, sorry. I know that there are dangling parted humans that are nice. Thanks for reminding me.) I have just got to become friends with them. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to include Bart in the decision making about men friends. But marriage works so much better this way that I find myself keeping with the tradition. I truly do miss being friends with boys, especially the boys that I would choose as friends.
You know, I always thought that I wanted a Rhett Butler man when I read "Gone with the Wind" back in high school. I mean who didn't? But truly I am finding out that I long for an Ashley type. The man who sits in his library surrounded by his books and likes watching people live their lives. A man who thinks more than does and maybe is even a little disappointed in himself about that. I adore anyone who loves words and knows the power behind them. Sigh.
Since I already have a Rhett in residence and am really not keen on parting with him I think I might just keep these feelings to myself and go watch Friends on DVD. Why? you ask. Well, I think the modern day Ashley and for those who have not read the classic is probably pretty darn close to Ross Geller.
The cool one. When he first started dating Rachel.
He wouldn't even come sit with me at the school play today because he knew. Knew I was still pissed. Not that he was wrong.
But I am also sulking because these are the friends in the neighborhood we have chosen. I do realize that there are better men out there. (Brett, sorry. I know that there are dangling parted humans that are nice. Thanks for reminding me.) I have just got to become friends with them. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to include Bart in the decision making about men friends. But marriage works so much better this way that I find myself keeping with the tradition. I truly do miss being friends with boys, especially the boys that I would choose as friends.
You know, I always thought that I wanted a Rhett Butler man when I read "Gone with the Wind" back in high school. I mean who didn't? But truly I am finding out that I long for an Ashley type. The man who sits in his library surrounded by his books and likes watching people live their lives. A man who thinks more than does and maybe is even a little disappointed in himself about that. I adore anyone who loves words and knows the power behind them. Sigh.
Since I already have a Rhett in residence and am really not keen on parting with him I think I might just keep these feelings to myself and go watch Friends on DVD. Why? you ask. Well, I think the modern day Ashley and for those who have not read the classic is probably pretty darn close to Ross Geller.
The cool one. When he first started dating Rachel.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Apparently I am a feminist
It has been a rough week. We had to pay taxes. A lot of taxes. We lost a lot of money in the stock market at the same time. I was bored stiff at work and know I definitely need to make a change. Ryan's soccer team lost a game on Wednesday with a score of 9-1. It was like going to a Jazz game. It has been horrible winter weather this week. All of this made me think that we haven't gone out in a long time and we needed an adult evening. So I called my friends and we made a date to go out to this new steakhouse that I have been wanting to go to but haven't because you have to make reservations in advance and we are just not that forward looking.
My friend's husbands are just stupid idiots.
One of my friend's girls went to Prom last night. She was telling us about dresses, hair, the boy, pictures, activities. I don't know how we actually got to the whole end of the night kissing thing but her husband, the girl's dad, emphatically stated that his daughter had damn well kiss the boy after such a date. That she was getting what she wanted out of the dance. The nails done, the new dress, a good time and so she better give the boy what he wanted. A kiss at the end of the night.
My other friend's husband agreed with that. That women are obligated to kiss the man after a date.
My, oh, my! I know that these guys are back woods-I-adore-Jeff-Foxworthy-rednecks but ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!??! And he was talking about his daughter. I thought I was going to come across the table at him with my knife. (But since we had paid our taxes this week, I couldn't afford the restaurant damage expenses.) I couldn't let it lie. I had to speak up for the correct way of thinking. I was livid. It is that kind of thinking that leads to date rape. It is that kind of thinking that teaches children that women are not able to make their own decisions. That there is some kind of cultural commandment that is more important than their feelings about who they want to kiss. They always laugh at me because they all think I live in a bubble and they used that one on me last night. "Kim, it would be nice to live in your world where it's not the case that boys just want the kiss or the make out session or the sex but we don't live in that world." I love how having a good time when going out is now completely the girl's responsiblity. AND on top of that, you have to put out as well. Apparently when you are married to cavemen that is exactly true.
I am mortified that these men are my friends. And I am seriously thinking that they are no longer my friends. I definitely feel that these two ladies that are their spouses (my friends) have grown up and found a different identity than that of what they were when they married. And that is why these guys are still my friends. I like their wives but last night I wanted to poke their eyes out with my fork and flick them into the street. I finally said "Change the subject" because neither side would budge and it wasn't a fun atmosphere for me anymore. Brian just kept on bringing it up. He was a grade A ASSHOLE last night. He even asked the waitress for her opinion and then wouldn't deal with it as she sided with me. Duh!
So prudently, my husband stayed out of the conversation and talked to our friend's mother in law that was in town and had accompanied us for the evening. He has not brought up the dinner today as well. There is some intelligence in him but really, sometimes I think did I marry into the wrong sub species?
My friend's husbands are just stupid idiots.
One of my friend's girls went to Prom last night. She was telling us about dresses, hair, the boy, pictures, activities. I don't know how we actually got to the whole end of the night kissing thing but her husband, the girl's dad, emphatically stated that his daughter had damn well kiss the boy after such a date. That she was getting what she wanted out of the dance. The nails done, the new dress, a good time and so she better give the boy what he wanted. A kiss at the end of the night.
My other friend's husband agreed with that. That women are obligated to kiss the man after a date.
My, oh, my! I know that these guys are back woods-I-adore-Jeff-Foxworthy-rednecks but ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!??! And he was talking about his daughter. I thought I was going to come across the table at him with my knife. (But since we had paid our taxes this week, I couldn't afford the restaurant damage expenses.) I couldn't let it lie. I had to speak up for the correct way of thinking. I was livid. It is that kind of thinking that leads to date rape. It is that kind of thinking that teaches children that women are not able to make their own decisions. That there is some kind of cultural commandment that is more important than their feelings about who they want to kiss. They always laugh at me because they all think I live in a bubble and they used that one on me last night. "Kim, it would be nice to live in your world where it's not the case that boys just want the kiss or the make out session or the sex but we don't live in that world." I love how having a good time when going out is now completely the girl's responsiblity. AND on top of that, you have to put out as well. Apparently when you are married to cavemen that is exactly true.
I am mortified that these men are my friends. And I am seriously thinking that they are no longer my friends. I definitely feel that these two ladies that are their spouses (my friends) have grown up and found a different identity than that of what they were when they married. And that is why these guys are still my friends. I like their wives but last night I wanted to poke their eyes out with my fork and flick them into the street. I finally said "Change the subject" because neither side would budge and it wasn't a fun atmosphere for me anymore. Brian just kept on bringing it up. He was a grade A ASSHOLE last night. He even asked the waitress for her opinion and then wouldn't deal with it as she sided with me. Duh!
So prudently, my husband stayed out of the conversation and talked to our friend's mother in law that was in town and had accompanied us for the evening. He has not brought up the dinner today as well. There is some intelligence in him but really, sometimes I think did I marry into the wrong sub species?
Monday, April 16, 2007
Just make sure you do it the wrong way
Well, this past weekend I had to teach a lesson in Relief Society. It is the organization for the women in my church. It is a little more frightening than teaching a lesson to children and I took quite a bit of time preparing. I think that I made certain, though, that it will never happen again. I adlibbed at the end due to lack of time and managed to blurt that I hated visiting teaching. Now luckily nobody I go visiting teaching to was in the class but my partner was. And I just don't feel that they would risk a repeat of anything that honest again.
However, there was a funny part to all this. We have several older ladies in our ward. Some of them have reached the old AND funny part of their life. Most of the time the funny part isn't something they are in complete control of. This particular women was in this group. She always sits in the front. She has been known to tell about her dreams of heavenly fiancees and that is why she is now wearing an engagement ring. She has also stopped a teacher in the middle of her lesson and asked if she could give her own little sermon and then proceed to talk about the things she had written down on a piece of paper during the lesson. I was talking about something nice I had done for Bart and I finished it saying that I could have bowled him over with a feather. I proceeded onto other part of the lesson and she then raised her hand.
"If you will allow me. I have just a bit of criticism." She is a small woman and she definitely has a sense of timing. She gave a dramatic pause. My mind raced. Here it comes. what do I say after this?
"Sure." I say.
"I think that you might need to feed your husband a bit more if you could have bowled him over with a feather." The wind stopped rushing in my ears as I laughed but I am still curious as to how my face looked. Thank goodness another sister had the presence of mind to quip back, "Honey, you wouldn't say that if you had seen her husband."
Bart's only response to this story was:
"Are you telling me that Rolayne is calling me fat?"
I definitely think they will have decided the relief society is not for me after this week, don't you?
However, there was a funny part to all this. We have several older ladies in our ward. Some of them have reached the old AND funny part of their life. Most of the time the funny part isn't something they are in complete control of. This particular women was in this group. She always sits in the front. She has been known to tell about her dreams of heavenly fiancees and that is why she is now wearing an engagement ring. She has also stopped a teacher in the middle of her lesson and asked if she could give her own little sermon and then proceed to talk about the things she had written down on a piece of paper during the lesson. I was talking about something nice I had done for Bart and I finished it saying that I could have bowled him over with a feather. I proceeded onto other part of the lesson and she then raised her hand.
"If you will allow me. I have just a bit of criticism." She is a small woman and she definitely has a sense of timing. She gave a dramatic pause. My mind raced. Here it comes. what do I say after this?
"Sure." I say.
"I think that you might need to feed your husband a bit more if you could have bowled him over with a feather." The wind stopped rushing in my ears as I laughed but I am still curious as to how my face looked. Thank goodness another sister had the presence of mind to quip back, "Honey, you wouldn't say that if you had seen her husband."
Bart's only response to this story was:
"Are you telling me that Rolayne is calling me fat?"
I definitely think they will have decided the relief society is not for me after this week, don't you?
Friday, April 13, 2007
FRIDAY THE 13TH
It's Friday the 13th and I am letting my husband board a plane and fly down to Texas for a Nascar race. And apparently there is bad weather there down south. I am really not superstitious but I certainly don't want to be proved wrong either. Just to be on the safe side-Does anyone have a pinch of salt that they could lend me to throw over my shoulder?
So, in the last 72 hours I have learned tons about charter public schools, public schools and even something about private schools. When I started back to work in November I had to put Cooper in a kindergarten that also had daycare. I found a really lovely place that had an accelerated kindergarten. Cooper goes to school from 8:30 to 3 pm and he is required to wear uniforms. As I have now explained him to others, I really don't think he is genius or extra special (except to me) but I do think he has been encouraged to learn leaps and bounds ahead of what he would be if he had stayed at our boundary public school. I also firmly believe that his teacher in 1st grade will hate him if he goes back to public school. Mostly because he will be so bored he will just get in daily trouble. He already has the Chase tradition of ALWAYS talking. "ALWAYS", says Ms. Payne, his 6th grade teacher with a shake of her head. And then one more, "ALWAYS." And I know she is tried by him. Heh Heh. But then she adds "It's not that Chase can't get his work done but the others around him can't talk and get their work done like he can."
Can a mother say "Tough to be you."
Anyways, I started this mission wanting to find another accelerated school for Cooper. I ended up working with a gut feeling that this is about Ryan. Interesting, eh?
Of course, any institution wants to put their best face forward when you come for a tour or presentation. The ones I have visited put on a very good show. It was really when they started talking about two separate classes for language and literature that I started waking up to the fact that Ryan may be swinging good grades but is she learning the content she needs to be successful in life. Or even learning the content to make high school and college easier. She has no homework at all. She has not read one literary classic since she has entered jr. high. How can you embrace history without reading To Kill a Mockingbird, The Scarlett Letter and The Odessey? How can one learn how to write a proper paper without practicing throughout jr. high?
Ryan is smart.
Ryan is bored.
Ryan is saying she wants to switch schools.
The lightbulb did not go off in my head or my heart until I was walking along the halls of a school and talking to the principal. The anxious crazy feeling did not go away until I had signed her up in two different schools. I am not certain if that means I have done what I need to do. But it is gone and I do feel like this is the right thing to do. It may only be one year at these schools and then back to public high school but it is another view of life. Chase will have a full jr high life at one of these schools. I feel so much better about his chance at learning how to write a paper. Whew.
There is no guarantee that they will get in. These are sought after schools. But it is easier to get in the higher grades. Ryan and Chase have better chances than Cooper at gettting in. But I am going with my feelings and my feelings say things are ok. I have plans to go look at one more school. It is a private institution and it teaches LDS values. I am not at all sure I want to get involved in a combined church/state situation. I abhorred BYU but I also realized it was the stupid humans that I mostly hated. The zealots, the rebels, the ones that couldn't realize everything including religion is part of the big picture. And I realize that my brother Mark and my sister Karlee both who are very intelligent and make positive contributions to society had a wonderful education there. My kid's friends go there and really like it. And I am sure they will get a good education there. They start foreign language in 3rd grade for pete's sake.
I know this could all crumble around me and I could be hated, depised, shunned even for making this decision. Or I might could be thanked. What a gamble I am forced to make. Being a mother IS hard.
So, in the last 72 hours I have learned tons about charter public schools, public schools and even something about private schools. When I started back to work in November I had to put Cooper in a kindergarten that also had daycare. I found a really lovely place that had an accelerated kindergarten. Cooper goes to school from 8:30 to 3 pm and he is required to wear uniforms. As I have now explained him to others, I really don't think he is genius or extra special (except to me) but I do think he has been encouraged to learn leaps and bounds ahead of what he would be if he had stayed at our boundary public school. I also firmly believe that his teacher in 1st grade will hate him if he goes back to public school. Mostly because he will be so bored he will just get in daily trouble. He already has the Chase tradition of ALWAYS talking. "ALWAYS", says Ms. Payne, his 6th grade teacher with a shake of her head. And then one more, "ALWAYS." And I know she is tried by him. Heh Heh. But then she adds "It's not that Chase can't get his work done but the others around him can't talk and get their work done like he can."
Can a mother say "Tough to be you."
Anyways, I started this mission wanting to find another accelerated school for Cooper. I ended up working with a gut feeling that this is about Ryan. Interesting, eh?
Of course, any institution wants to put their best face forward when you come for a tour or presentation. The ones I have visited put on a very good show. It was really when they started talking about two separate classes for language and literature that I started waking up to the fact that Ryan may be swinging good grades but is she learning the content she needs to be successful in life. Or even learning the content to make high school and college easier. She has no homework at all. She has not read one literary classic since she has entered jr. high. How can you embrace history without reading To Kill a Mockingbird, The Scarlett Letter and The Odessey? How can one learn how to write a proper paper without practicing throughout jr. high?
Ryan is smart.
Ryan is bored.
Ryan is saying she wants to switch schools.
The lightbulb did not go off in my head or my heart until I was walking along the halls of a school and talking to the principal. The anxious crazy feeling did not go away until I had signed her up in two different schools. I am not certain if that means I have done what I need to do. But it is gone and I do feel like this is the right thing to do. It may only be one year at these schools and then back to public high school but it is another view of life. Chase will have a full jr high life at one of these schools. I feel so much better about his chance at learning how to write a paper. Whew.
There is no guarantee that they will get in. These are sought after schools. But it is easier to get in the higher grades. Ryan and Chase have better chances than Cooper at gettting in. But I am going with my feelings and my feelings say things are ok. I have plans to go look at one more school. It is a private institution and it teaches LDS values. I am not at all sure I want to get involved in a combined church/state situation. I abhorred BYU but I also realized it was the stupid humans that I mostly hated. The zealots, the rebels, the ones that couldn't realize everything including religion is part of the big picture. And I realize that my brother Mark and my sister Karlee both who are very intelligent and make positive contributions to society had a wonderful education there. My kid's friends go there and really like it. And I am sure they will get a good education there. They start foreign language in 3rd grade for pete's sake.
I know this could all crumble around me and I could be hated, depised, shunned even for making this decision. Or I might could be thanked. What a gamble I am forced to make. Being a mother IS hard.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Just as I Suspected
We went down to Glenwood as tradition dictates for the Easter egg hunt. This year Bart and I both took off Friday and headed down at 6 am in the morning. As soon as we got there the boys were on their motorcycles.
I knew that Ryan was not all that excited to go down and tried to get a friend to come with her but it was Easter weekend so it was no surprise that she was flying solo. Wait, I forget she brought her big old teenage attitude with her. She spent most of Friday in the trailer that we parked in the back yard. Made a bed for herself, loaded the portable DVD/TV up with movies and napped, listened to her IPOD and watched movies. Frequently we would go in to make sure she was still alive but she wasn't much into moving.
I am still so much in awe at the depth of feeling that I have for this podunk hick town of 350 people. I see beauty there everywhere I look whether it is scrub oak, cactus, dirt roads or eyefuls of valley floor.
There are a couple of abandoned homes there in town that I have had an eye on for more than a little while. The real reason for going down on Friday was to make it to the county recorder's office to find out who owns that property so we could start trying to buy some land. I told Bart he had to call because it would be most likely that it would be somebody he knew and they would be more helpful. Sure enough, the sister of one of his good friends was on the other end of the phone. We still had to go down to the office but we got all the info we wanted and more. The ladies thought it was hysterical that Cooper sings while in the restroom. Something so normal to me, I was struck with thankfulness that this crazy exuberant kid was sent to me. I like tinkling to tunes. Anyways, after all that, as we were toodling around town on our motorized vehicles, Bart bumped into a couple of old neighbors and found out about a couple of 5 acre lots for sale that are so much better. So many opportunities that could be exciting. I don't know why I want to own a piece of that land down there but I do. And so I am going to. Later we played lacrosse in the back yard yelling at Ryan through the window of the trailer so it felt a little like family fun. Cooked steak on the barbeque and watched the Jazz game.
Ryan finally came in and slept in the house......with Friday. Doesn't she look a bit like Mr. Tumnus with her human top and animal bottom in the sleeping bag?
It was lovely until the others got there Saturday morning. Chase felt sick and so he was now the one who didn't move from a couch for the whole day. Cooper, Lily, Ryan, Daci, Bart and I went to the Annual Easter Egg hunt. Observation:We noticed an extreme decrease in the amount of chocolate that was offered the kids. Standards are not being followed. We then went home and had our own easter egg hunt for Ryan in the back yard. Now that she is 13 she is no longer invited to partake in the Glenwood easter egg hunt and so we had to make our own. Cooper begged for another motorcycle ride so Bart took him and Lily and I got to working on the motorcycle track in the back yard. Nolan's yard is about an acre. His house sits on in the middle of 1/2. On the other half is a dilapidated chicken coop and a shed. So we brought ground paint and drew our own Indy 500 track. The weather was so beautiful that we all just wanted to stay outside. Plus, Lily wasn't quite so accomplished on the motorcycle so this track was just her style. Chase was finally feeling better so we divided our time between four wheeling and motorcycling around town and going for longer rides outside on the hills. Had pork sandwiches for dinner. We were instructed to call them dragon meat because Lily refuses to eat any portion of pig. Colored eggs and made little egg babies with eyes and mouths and yarn hair for Cooper and Lily. My camera was not working and I am very sad about that because really, those little egg babies were pieces of art. Watched the Jazz lose again (Daci told her father to 'kiss her ass' in front of my children and her own when he told her to eat at the table and not on the couch.) then watched Eragon out in the trailer as we went to bed.
Sadly the Easter Bunny fell asleep during the movie and never woke up again during the night. There was a little bustling in the morning but it was ok. It was a very easy year for the bunny as he had already given out motorcycles and spring clothes earlier in the season. We had about 3 hours of sunshine in the morning so Ryan and Bart went for a drive and Cooper, Chase, Grandpa, Carla, Lily and I played baseball out in the backyard. Friday was the best outfielder we have ever seen. Bart and Ryan came back and we even got Ryan to play. Observation: Threats still work well with her. Acting on yet another tradition, we then went to the hills and rolled all the eggs down to the bottom. Friday ate to his heart's content. I was nervous but there hasn't seemed to be a consequence to his actions yet. And then the rain came back and we were rained in for the rest of the day. Observation: Rain on top of the trailer is the best sound. Drove home about 7 pm. Watched WarGames with Matthew Broderick while we were driving home.
All in all, it was a good weekend but there were some hard moments when I had to bite THROUGH my tongue to keep from speaking. And I am really considering not going down again if she is going to be there. For the sake of goodness sakes!
A Woman After My Own Heart
"I'm a crotchety old thing, and always shall be, but I'm willing to own that you are right, only it's easier for me to risk my life for a person than to be pleasant to him when I don't feel like it. "
-Jo March
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
-Jo March
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
7 thoughts in 7 seconds
As 7 seconds is all the time that I have:
1) My house is perpetually dirty but I am also continually amazed at how much better it can look in a 7 minute quick clean up.
2) I just pulled out my second load of laundry and out fell Chase's ipod shuffle. After losing his nano he got for his birthday last year we bought him a refurbished shuffle for Christmas telling him he had to keep this one for a whole year before we would even consider getting him another expensive ipod. I sure hope that it still works.
3) I don't feel any better after writing all that stuff about my sister in law. In fact, I was a bit worried that Bart would see that I was airing dirty laundry about his family on the internet. And that wouldn't be nice at all.
4) I watched Underworld for the 5th time last night. I do love vampires. After reading this delectable and highly recommended new series by Stephenie Meyer about the breed and then completely enjoying Underworld I feel as though I might have to go back to Ann Rice and check into her Interview with a Vampire again. Is there any way that these creatures could be real??
5) I am trying to get Cooper enrolled in a private school next year and apparently every child on the face of the earth goes to school here in Salt Lake County. I should have started when I was at the hospital after birthing him.
6) Could anyone love Crystal Lite single servings as much as I do?
7) I am listening to Little Women-book on tape-and there is a whole post or two to be written about that.
1) My house is perpetually dirty but I am also continually amazed at how much better it can look in a 7 minute quick clean up.
2) I just pulled out my second load of laundry and out fell Chase's ipod shuffle. After losing his nano he got for his birthday last year we bought him a refurbished shuffle for Christmas telling him he had to keep this one for a whole year before we would even consider getting him another expensive ipod. I sure hope that it still works.
3) I don't feel any better after writing all that stuff about my sister in law. In fact, I was a bit worried that Bart would see that I was airing dirty laundry about his family on the internet. And that wouldn't be nice at all.
4) I watched Underworld for the 5th time last night. I do love vampires. After reading this delectable and highly recommended new series by Stephenie Meyer about the breed and then completely enjoying Underworld I feel as though I might have to go back to Ann Rice and check into her Interview with a Vampire again. Is there any way that these creatures could be real??
5) I am trying to get Cooper enrolled in a private school next year and apparently every child on the face of the earth goes to school here in Salt Lake County. I should have started when I was at the hospital after birthing him.
6) Could anyone love Crystal Lite single servings as much as I do?
7) I am listening to Little Women-book on tape-and there is a whole post or two to be written about that.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
The Confessional
I have been having some serious in law problems lately. They are driving me crazy. And I am looking forward to an entire Easter weekend with them. It just threatens to suck all the fun out of the weekend. And that pisses me off.
It is just that they are so frigging whacked. My sister in law is such a waste of skin that I can barely handle her. Yes, she is funner than me. Yes, my daughter thinks she is the bomb (which irritates me more than I can ever put down in words) However, she is devoid of responsibility and conscience. She had a daughter 1 month before I had Cooper. Lily. And I am just so put out that I have to share the title of mother with her. She does nothing for her child. Nothing. And then her mother enables her to not do anything but come and be there for all the mother recognition moments in life. I have embraced my responsibility as a mother. I have become one with it, maybe a bit more than I should have. I definitely have put aside my own ambitions in order to fulfill my motherly duties according to the dictates of my own conscience. As much as I love this life I have, it does not come without sacrifice and hardship. I would like to go out dancing every weekend. Hell, one weekend and then not have to worry about the next morning. I would like to quit my job just because I don't like it anymore and have my parents have to pay for me and my kids. I would like to never have to clean up another dish or vaccuum a room. I would like to not have to worry about instilling correct values in my children. Yes, sometimes I wish all these things but it's not the life I chose. I chose to have the babies. Just like D. chose to have her baby. And we did encourage her to look at the option of giving up the child when she became pregnant. She made the choice. Unfortunately, I am not a big enough person to live and let D. live. It affects me, my children who also see this travesty and it affects society as she doesn't pay for herself. It definitely affects my mother in law who is in essence Lily's mother but still allows D. to make all the decisions whether they are good for the child or not.
I have spent many a time thinking about judging because of Bart's family. I know it is one of my biggest faults. I do judge. I think I know right and wrong but then every book, every movie, every friend shows me that you really don't know anything about somebody else's life until you walk in their shoes. And that over decades of time people change. So I do puzzle on how not to judge and still make sure that you are surrounding yourself with positive influences and fulfill your parental stewardship to your children. Last week I realized that I am judging the wrong way until I can love D. with all my heart and want the best for her and still decide that she is not welcome in my home. Yea, not quite there yet. Not even close. I don't even know how to start trying to love her because every time she comes near me I have to grit my teeth to act like family.
It is just that they are so frigging whacked. My sister in law is such a waste of skin that I can barely handle her. Yes, she is funner than me. Yes, my daughter thinks she is the bomb (which irritates me more than I can ever put down in words) However, she is devoid of responsibility and conscience. She had a daughter 1 month before I had Cooper. Lily. And I am just so put out that I have to share the title of mother with her. She does nothing for her child. Nothing. And then her mother enables her to not do anything but come and be there for all the mother recognition moments in life. I have embraced my responsibility as a mother. I have become one with it, maybe a bit more than I should have. I definitely have put aside my own ambitions in order to fulfill my motherly duties according to the dictates of my own conscience. As much as I love this life I have, it does not come without sacrifice and hardship. I would like to go out dancing every weekend. Hell, one weekend and then not have to worry about the next morning. I would like to quit my job just because I don't like it anymore and have my parents have to pay for me and my kids. I would like to never have to clean up another dish or vaccuum a room. I would like to not have to worry about instilling correct values in my children. Yes, sometimes I wish all these things but it's not the life I chose. I chose to have the babies. Just like D. chose to have her baby. And we did encourage her to look at the option of giving up the child when she became pregnant. She made the choice. Unfortunately, I am not a big enough person to live and let D. live. It affects me, my children who also see this travesty and it affects society as she doesn't pay for herself. It definitely affects my mother in law who is in essence Lily's mother but still allows D. to make all the decisions whether they are good for the child or not.
I have spent many a time thinking about judging because of Bart's family. I know it is one of my biggest faults. I do judge. I think I know right and wrong but then every book, every movie, every friend shows me that you really don't know anything about somebody else's life until you walk in their shoes. And that over decades of time people change. So I do puzzle on how not to judge and still make sure that you are surrounding yourself with positive influences and fulfill your parental stewardship to your children. Last week I realized that I am judging the wrong way until I can love D. with all my heart and want the best for her and still decide that she is not welcome in my home. Yea, not quite there yet. Not even close. I don't even know how to start trying to love her because every time she comes near me I have to grit my teeth to act like family.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Firsts and Lasts
Even Bart knew that we had an important moment this weekend. It was one of the last firsts of childhood that we will ever have again. I mean, we still have all kinds of new firsts coming. I mean we have had the first failed class, the first boyfriend, the first purple hairdo already. Some up and coming firsts I dread are still to come: first kisses, first staying out past curfew, first driving lesson and first school dance. Please, please, please let there be no first matching date shirts in my future. And if there is that first, let it be the last as well.
I was very bad at keeping track of all the childhood firsts. I didn't have one of those calendars that I wrote down the first tooth, the first word, the first step of any of my children. And I feel a little guilty for that. But I do have documented evidence of another important first for all three of the kids. I do have pictures of every single one of my children learning how to ride a two wheeler.
I was a little seifish with Cooper. He very well could've been two wheeling it last year but he was so into his scooter and I really didn't want this new phase of grownup hood to happen that soon so I put it off. Bart took off his training wheels off his orange bike and didn't even get to run beside him to get him going. He just took off. No hands, figure 8s, standing up and definately not looking for cars. He has it all down pat.
I think we are officially out of the baby stage of our lives. And so if you see me riding my bike behind a 5 year old Lance Armstrong and the wind is making my eyes water, it might not be the wind so much.
I was very bad at keeping track of all the childhood firsts. I didn't have one of those calendars that I wrote down the first tooth, the first word, the first step of any of my children. And I feel a little guilty for that. But I do have documented evidence of another important first for all three of the kids. I do have pictures of every single one of my children learning how to ride a two wheeler.
I was a little seifish with Cooper. He very well could've been two wheeling it last year but he was so into his scooter and I really didn't want this new phase of grownup hood to happen that soon so I put it off. Bart took off his training wheels off his orange bike and didn't even get to run beside him to get him going. He just took off. No hands, figure 8s, standing up and definately not looking for cars. He has it all down pat.
I think we are officially out of the baby stage of our lives. And so if you see me riding my bike behind a 5 year old Lance Armstrong and the wind is making my eyes water, it might not be the wind so much.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
If Then Statements and then some more ifs
If you fall asleep first at the sleepover, then you will look like this for the rest of the weekend.
If it becomes Spring, then you can be sure this will show up in your backyard if you are married to Bart.
If it becomes Spring, then you can be sure this will show up in your backyard if you are married to Bart.
If you don't bring your children, then 300 is one of the best movies I have seen in a long time.
If I could get the computer out of the children's hands, then I might post a little more.
If you like the color green, then you are invited to visit the newly redesigned Ryan's room if you wear sunglasses.
If anybody knows why the worker bees are all leaving their queens and their hives in at least 21 states of this country, then I would like an jingle. I am a little concerned. Dont you think that is a little weird? And there is no bodies anywhere either to suggest that they have died. That is millions and millions of bees that are time traveling? using invisible cloaks? starting an all male hive somewhere in San Francisco?
Monday, March 19, 2007
Catching You Up
I have never been really good at discerning answers. I have a couple of times when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had recieved an answer. I am definately one of those who believes that God gave us a mind for a reason and we need to use it to come up with some of our own answers. That self sufficiency may have some negative influence on the amount of faith that I show when seeking answers. Could be.
However, over the past couple of months there have been two distinct answers that have come that have not only flabbergasted me but humbled me as well.
One came to Bart. He is such a religious conundrum. He only goes to sacrament meeting and then takes off. Football, work, sickness, boredom are all reasons that he cites. He did accept a calling in Scouts and goes faithfully but one could argue correctly that the job is not really a religious one. Mealtime prayers are completely done out of habit and we are having an awful hard time instigating sincere family prayer as well. But when push comes to shove, Bart does turn to God which I find fascinating on so many levels.
We have been talking about going to Boise for this new job oppurtunity. It has been serious talk. Bart has gone up there to see how things are. We have been doing research. It was pretty much looking like we would end up there. Until Bart called me one Monday morning and said, "Well, I prayed about Boise in church yesturday and I got an answer. It wasn't the one that I wanted but we aren't going to Boise, I guess."
Bart praying? Not going? Because of an answer given by God?
I still am flabbergasted that an answer came and it was not only understandable but was also so immediate. And that is was instigated without question. Was the answer so important to our family destiny? Regardless of my muddled musings about this, Boise has not been a topic of discussion since that day. And I am ok with that.
Maybe because this last winter has been an awfully hard time for me personally. There has literally been no joy in my existence. And not because of my external environment. I was definately on a downward spiral. I am not a cryer but I had even begun having crying jags. One Saturday I was beside myself and decided to take Friday for a walk to get out of the house. It was cold and dark and wet and nobody else was out. We walked all the way to the elementary school about a mile away and then we just sat in the field. And as I sat there just babbling aloud and crying about how bad I felt, I too got an answer. It was not the answer I wanted but there was so much in this particular answer beside the message.
It was acknowledgement.
It was evidence of the higher power.
It gave me a direction to go in.
The message was simple. "I'm not going to take this away from you, Kim." 8 words. 8 words that I didn't want to hear. But 8 words that made me realize I can't wait this away. I can't deny it any longer. I have to do something. I am a denial junkie. I am a wait-to-see-what-happens girl. This time I know I can not continue to do that. This time I had to look myself up and down and make some choices. So, yes, I am on new medication. I have consistently taken it and I have consistently been making daily analysis on if it is working.
Essentially, Boise we are no longer talking about. Medication, let the discussions begin.
Now with the weather turning, I can't even tell you the difference that it has made. Oh, how I love the sun. (I think I may dress up like a sunspot for Halloween this year.) And it would be so easy to let this all settle down under the rug again until next winter but I can't. Because of the answer. Even if it wasn't the answer I wanted to hear.
However, over the past couple of months there have been two distinct answers that have come that have not only flabbergasted me but humbled me as well.
One came to Bart. He is such a religious conundrum. He only goes to sacrament meeting and then takes off. Football, work, sickness, boredom are all reasons that he cites. He did accept a calling in Scouts and goes faithfully but one could argue correctly that the job is not really a religious one. Mealtime prayers are completely done out of habit and we are having an awful hard time instigating sincere family prayer as well. But when push comes to shove, Bart does turn to God which I find fascinating on so many levels.
We have been talking about going to Boise for this new job oppurtunity. It has been serious talk. Bart has gone up there to see how things are. We have been doing research. It was pretty much looking like we would end up there. Until Bart called me one Monday morning and said, "Well, I prayed about Boise in church yesturday and I got an answer. It wasn't the one that I wanted but we aren't going to Boise, I guess."
Bart praying? Not going? Because of an answer given by God?
I still am flabbergasted that an answer came and it was not only understandable but was also so immediate. And that is was instigated without question. Was the answer so important to our family destiny? Regardless of my muddled musings about this, Boise has not been a topic of discussion since that day. And I am ok with that.
Maybe because this last winter has been an awfully hard time for me personally. There has literally been no joy in my existence. And not because of my external environment. I was definately on a downward spiral. I am not a cryer but I had even begun having crying jags. One Saturday I was beside myself and decided to take Friday for a walk to get out of the house. It was cold and dark and wet and nobody else was out. We walked all the way to the elementary school about a mile away and then we just sat in the field. And as I sat there just babbling aloud and crying about how bad I felt, I too got an answer. It was not the answer I wanted but there was so much in this particular answer beside the message.
It was acknowledgement.
It was evidence of the higher power.
It gave me a direction to go in.
The message was simple. "I'm not going to take this away from you, Kim." 8 words. 8 words that I didn't want to hear. But 8 words that made me realize I can't wait this away. I can't deny it any longer. I have to do something. I am a denial junkie. I am a wait-to-see-what-happens girl. This time I know I can not continue to do that. This time I had to look myself up and down and make some choices. So, yes, I am on new medication. I have consistently taken it and I have consistently been making daily analysis on if it is working.
Essentially, Boise we are no longer talking about. Medication, let the discussions begin.
Now with the weather turning, I can't even tell you the difference that it has made. Oh, how I love the sun. (I think I may dress up like a sunspot for Halloween this year.) And it would be so easy to let this all settle down under the rug again until next winter but I can't. Because of the answer. Even if it wasn't the answer I wanted to hear.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Message in a blogtle
I know. I know. The title is as corny as it gets. But I love it!!!
And I did it. I got tickets for the Police. 2 tickets which is really all I need. Or can afford. I am beyond excited. I really am. I will hold it in for a little while considering that the concert is not until June 15. It is in Las Vegas, Nevada at the MGM Grand. Yes, 16,000 other fans will be there with me as we croon along with Sting to "Can't Stand Losing You", "So Lonely", "Walking on the Moon", and "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic."
I mean, look at that picture. Look at them. Would it matter to you that the seats are not next to each other? Because Bart seems to think that is a minor problem. I don't. I was happy to get floor seats after 15 minutes of being on the phone. The freaking concert sold out in 15 minutes. I may have to sit on Bart's shoulders or something so he is not all alone in a crowd of Sting lovers. That may entail me to have to lose some weight before the concert. I told Raquel the thought intrigued me to try and weigh the same amount that I did when they actually were the soundtrack to my life before.
Hmmmmm.......The Police. They do a body good.
Monday, March 12, 2007
I'm back
Ok. Ok. I'm back.
I mean, I never really went anywhere but for some reason the past few months I have found it hard to press the publish button. I think I sortof wanted some kind of great big 2007 beginning of the new year post and then when that didn't come I just let procrastination get in the way. And some other little things. I realized that I hadn't taken one picture either so the documentation of my life just came to a complete stand still. So, here I go again. For better or worse. It is a little like ripping off a bandaid. Just fast and immediate so that the pain is quick and short. Nothing really much on this post. But if you come back.....there are things still to say.
And I promise I will say them even if nobody helps me to turn my blog background to yellow.
I mean, I never really went anywhere but for some reason the past few months I have found it hard to press the publish button. I think I sortof wanted some kind of great big 2007 beginning of the new year post and then when that didn't come I just let procrastination get in the way. And some other little things. I realized that I hadn't taken one picture either so the documentation of my life just came to a complete stand still. So, here I go again. For better or worse. It is a little like ripping off a bandaid. Just fast and immediate so that the pain is quick and short. Nothing really much on this post. But if you come back.....there are things still to say.
And I promise I will say them even if nobody helps me to turn my blog background to yellow.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Apples and Buttons
40 apples later we are still getting ready for Christmas. Ryan is out of school for the Winter Break as of today so we had to get her apples out earlier this week. Chase and Cooper are taking theirs tomorrow.
When Ryan suggested carmeled apples for her friend presents, I was a bit concerned. I have never had good luck with the carmel actually staying on the apple. And that made me not excited about taking the project on. But my goodness, what a good friend the internet is. It came up with several several recipes to try. Ryan and I did an experimental run and thanks to the homemade caramel recipe and the wintry chill outside that kept the toppings hard and cemented on it went swimmingly well. AND it tasted good as well.
Here we are 40 apples later and all have agreed that apples may need to be an annual tradition. The cinnamon and sugar white chocolate apples are to die for!
I hope that you can tell that the button decoration is a snowman made out of buttons. I have had some weird deviations into buttons this year. Probably another post. Suffice it to say, I have had a blast making snowman, santas, elves and reindeer out of buttons. I got the idea out of last year's Martha Stewart magazine. (Yes, I would agree that I am always a year behind in the trends.) I am not sure they will be appreciated to the full extent that Martha and I have liked them but I got enough enjoyment out of them that it doesn't matter.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
It wasn't the Grinch that stole Christmas
Today I wanted to leap out of a moving car.
Sometimes being partnered with somebody is so hard. Lately I have been rehearsing the marriage vow promises over and over again in my head. "For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. For better or worse." Who made these vows up? I guess since they were used in my marriage ceremony I agreed to them but really, who started them? Was it God? Was it just some romantic and sentimental priest that was in charge of ceremonies and their lingo.
Bart and I spend so much energy just trying to make days work. Because it takes energy to agree with him. And we do agree to work on agreeing but little else. If we already agreed on things we might be able to put our energies into something else, experience synergy and enjoy the moments. Instead we fight to come to some sort of union of thoughts but then we are both so tired and still have pockets of resentment that things are always bittersweet.
Especially at Christmas. Simply put, Bart is a material whore. And he loves the actual spending of money. Anxiety ridden and a cheap ass, I do not love the actual spending of money. Could we be any farther apart? Couple that with my trying to work as little as possible and him thinking that time not spent working or snowmobiling is wasted, well, you got some real holiday spirit going on at the Peterson house.
Eggnog, anybody?
Sometimes being partnered with somebody is so hard. Lately I have been rehearsing the marriage vow promises over and over again in my head. "For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. For better or worse." Who made these vows up? I guess since they were used in my marriage ceremony I agreed to them but really, who started them? Was it God? Was it just some romantic and sentimental priest that was in charge of ceremonies and their lingo.
Bart and I spend so much energy just trying to make days work. Because it takes energy to agree with him. And we do agree to work on agreeing but little else. If we already agreed on things we might be able to put our energies into something else, experience synergy and enjoy the moments. Instead we fight to come to some sort of union of thoughts but then we are both so tired and still have pockets of resentment that things are always bittersweet.
Especially at Christmas. Simply put, Bart is a material whore. And he loves the actual spending of money. Anxiety ridden and a cheap ass, I do not love the actual spending of money. Could we be any farther apart? Couple that with my trying to work as little as possible and him thinking that time not spent working or snowmobiling is wasted, well, you got some real holiday spirit going on at the Peterson house.
Eggnog, anybody?
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
My collection
I collect nativity sets. I have slowed down a bit for two reasons. One, I don't see one I have to have every year and two, I don't have any more room to put the ones I do have up and around in my house during the season.
I do not have one single set that features bears or penguins as the figures. Snowmen either. I don't know why but it bothers me.
But this year I believe I might just have to expand my collection and it might just be a bending of the rules. It's beyond rules. It's beyond fantastic! Can somebody please tell me where I can find this sock monkey set?!?!
I do not have one single set that features bears or penguins as the figures. Snowmen either. I don't know why but it bothers me.
But this year I believe I might just have to expand my collection and it might just be a bending of the rules. It's beyond rules. It's beyond fantastic! Can somebody please tell me where I can find this sock monkey set?!?!
Sunday, December 10, 2006
A Christmas Wish
This little boy has been sick sick sick this weekend. All weekend. Saturday he spent the day throwing up. So much so that his little stomach muscles are sore and painful. In fact, he has not moved off the couch today. Partly the sickness, partly the muscles.
This little girl has broken up with the the first boyfriend. Just in time to welcome in the new boyfriend. The new boyfriend is a bit cuter, a lot cooler and surprisingly has a talent and interest in singing and theater.
I say surprisingly because the little girl has decided that soccer is boring. She needs more time to hang out with friends. She can't understand why both her mother and her father will not even entertain her points of debate. Sigh.
This little boy has started his first basketball season. It is the best entertainment that we have had since Drew Carey came to town. He can't believe that practice is only one day a week. Basketball must be for slackers, he says, compared to the time he put in for football.
The three little Petersons are simply too busy to get in the Christmas spirit. This older Peterson is trying to awaken it before the season is over. I did start going to the gym last week. Even getting up at 6:15 for it. But that wasn't enough. Writing tidbits in Christmas cards helped a little bit. Writing wishes and love and all sorts of good things for people you love does help to enlarge the blood pumping organ. I have immersed myself in nativity scenes which pointed my head in the right direction. Lighting candles have helped me to fight the cold and the dark that is outside.
Maybe thinking about Mary. Being a first time mother. Having a healthy, happy little boy. Looking down at that little face. Little fingers grasping hers. Nothing kingly yet but miraculous nonetheless. I can conjure up that magical feeling of love anytime I look at those above pictures. I can. I am amazed at the elasticity of youth, the determination of spirit they posess, the magnitude of energy they have. I can remember drowning in each one of their eyes when they were babies.
Now to carry that feeling around all the time every day for everyone......well, that will be a Christmas miracle. But at least I have the feeling down.
Friday, December 01, 2006
It is the simple things
There is one other little slice of luxury that I have been living with that I have not shared with you yet.
Being a finish carpenter's wife, garages are for tools, not cars. In this house we only have had a two car attached garage. We have had the garage chock full of hammers, wet vacs, extension cords, outside temporary lighting, table saws, jigsaws, wood products, snowmobiles, etc. etc. I barely get a shelf for my Christmas decorations. Don't even think about getting a car in there.
Last year we built a LARGE detached garage in the back yard. Enough room for the snowmobiles, four wheelers AND a shop. This last month we poured concrete and actually moved the stuff from the front attached garage to the back one. Bart put new batteries in the garage door remote control and handed it over to me.
This week has brought the first snow to the valley. And I have not had to scrape my car off once. I simply go out in my garage, get in my car and drive out into the icy, chilly tundra that I live in. It is a small thing. Obviously I have scraped for 4 years in this house. I have all my limbs and digits. It is a doable thing but my, oh, my! it is nice to not have to do it. It tickles me pink to be able to see out my whole window from the minute I start to drive in the morning.
And I am grateful.
Being a finish carpenter's wife, garages are for tools, not cars. In this house we only have had a two car attached garage. We have had the garage chock full of hammers, wet vacs, extension cords, outside temporary lighting, table saws, jigsaws, wood products, snowmobiles, etc. etc. I barely get a shelf for my Christmas decorations. Don't even think about getting a car in there.
Last year we built a LARGE detached garage in the back yard. Enough room for the snowmobiles, four wheelers AND a shop. This last month we poured concrete and actually moved the stuff from the front attached garage to the back one. Bart put new batteries in the garage door remote control and handed it over to me.
This week has brought the first snow to the valley. And I have not had to scrape my car off once. I simply go out in my garage, get in my car and drive out into the icy, chilly tundra that I live in. It is a small thing. Obviously I have scraped for 4 years in this house. I have all my limbs and digits. It is a doable thing but my, oh, my! it is nice to not have to do it. It tickles me pink to be able to see out my whole window from the minute I start to drive in the morning.
And I am grateful.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
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