The Confessional

I have been having some serious in law problems lately. They are driving me crazy. And I am looking forward to an entire Easter weekend with them. It just threatens to suck all the fun out of the weekend. And that pisses me off.
It is just that they are so frigging whacked. My sister in law is such a waste of skin that I can barely handle her. Yes, she is funner than me. Yes, my daughter thinks she is the bomb (which irritates me more than I can ever put down in words) However, she is devoid of responsibility and conscience. She had a daughter 1 month before I had Cooper. Lily. And I am just so put out that I have to share the title of mother with her. She does nothing for her child. Nothing. And then her mother enables her to not do anything but come and be there for all the mother recognition moments in life. I have embraced my responsibility as a mother. I have become one with it, maybe a bit more than I should have. I definitely have put aside my own ambitions in order to fulfill my motherly duties according to the dictates of my own conscience. As much as I love this life I have, it does not come without sacrifice and hardship. I would like to go out dancing every weekend. Hell, one weekend and then not have to worry about the next morning. I would like to quit my job just because I don't like it anymore and have my parents have to pay for me and my kids. I would like to never have to clean up another dish or vaccuum a room. I would like to not have to worry about instilling correct values in my children. Yes, sometimes I wish all these things but it's not the life I chose. I chose to have the babies. Just like D. chose to have her baby. And we did encourage her to look at the option of giving up the child when she became pregnant. She made the choice. Unfortunately, I am not a big enough person to live and let D. live. It affects me, my children who also see this travesty and it affects society as she doesn't pay for herself. It definitely affects my mother in law who is in essence Lily's mother but still allows D. to make all the decisions whether they are good for the child or not.
I have spent many a time thinking about judging because of Bart's family. I know it is one of my biggest faults. I do judge. I think I know right and wrong but then every book, every movie, every friend shows me that you really don't know anything about somebody else's life until you walk in their shoes. And that over decades of time people change. So I do puzzle on how not to judge and still make sure that you are surrounding yourself with positive influences and fulfill your parental stewardship to your children. Last week I realized that I am judging the wrong way until I can love D. with all my heart and want the best for her and still decide that she is not welcome in my home. Yea, not quite there yet. Not even close. I don't even know how to start trying to love her because every time she comes near me I have to grit my teeth to act like family.