Catching You Up

I have never been really good at discerning answers. I have a couple of times when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had recieved an answer. I am definately one of those who believes that God gave us a mind for a reason and we need to use it to come up with some of our own answers. That self sufficiency may have some negative influence on the amount of faith that I show when seeking answers. Could be.

However, over the past couple of months there have been two distinct answers that have come that have not only flabbergasted me but humbled me as well.

One came to Bart. He is such a religious conundrum. He only goes to sacrament meeting and then takes off. Football, work, sickness, boredom are all reasons that he cites. He did accept a calling in Scouts and goes faithfully but one could argue correctly that the job is not really a religious one. Mealtime prayers are completely done out of habit and we are having an awful hard time instigating sincere family prayer as well. But when push comes to shove, Bart does turn to God which I find fascinating on so many levels.

We have been talking about going to Boise for this new job oppurtunity. It has been serious talk. Bart has gone up there to see how things are. We have been doing research. It was pretty much looking like we would end up there. Until Bart called me one Monday morning and said, "Well, I prayed about Boise in church yesturday and I got an answer. It wasn't the one that I wanted but we aren't going to Boise, I guess."

Bart praying? Not going? Because of an answer given by God?

I still am flabbergasted that an answer came and it was not only understandable but was also so immediate. And that is was instigated without question. Was the answer so important to our family destiny? Regardless of my muddled musings about this, Boise has not been a topic of discussion since that day. And I am ok with that.

Maybe because this last winter has been an awfully hard time for me personally. There has literally been no joy in my existence. And not because of my external environment. I was definately on a downward spiral. I am not a cryer but I had even begun having crying jags. One Saturday I was beside myself and decided to take Friday for a walk to get out of the house. It was cold and dark and wet and nobody else was out. We walked all the way to the elementary school about a mile away and then we just sat in the field. And as I sat there just babbling aloud and crying about how bad I felt, I too got an answer. It was not the answer I wanted but there was so much in this particular answer beside the message.
It was acknowledgement.
It was evidence of the higher power.
It gave me a direction to go in.
The message was simple. "I'm not going to take this away from you, Kim." 8 words. 8 words that I didn't want to hear. But 8 words that made me realize I can't wait this away. I can't deny it any longer. I have to do something. I am a denial junkie. I am a wait-to-see-what-happens girl. This time I know I can not continue to do that. This time I had to look myself up and down and make some choices. So, yes, I am on new medication. I have consistently taken it and I have consistently been making daily analysis on if it is working.

Essentially, Boise we are no longer talking about. Medication, let the discussions begin.

Now with the weather turning, I can't even tell you the difference that it has made. Oh, how I love the sun. (I think I may dress up like a sunspot for Halloween this year.) And it would be so easy to let this all settle down under the rug again until next winter but I can't. Because of the answer. Even if it wasn't the answer I wanted to hear.