Two sides of Me

Who would ever think that a life that is so busy could be boring? But bored I am. Or maybe that is just what the beast is telling me. Or maybe I don’t have those emotional connections that I need/want to make sure that this life is worthwhile. I don’t know. I am so pissed at the beast right now. Right now I am not really feeling the anxiety but it was in the driver’s seat for most of the weekend and the beginning of this week. It steals days from me.
At the beginning of the weekend, I was pondering as to how to know what feelings were truly mine and what were created/overshadowed/brought out by the beast. FOR EXAMPLE: I have a real strong desire to go find a women’s soccer league and join it. I love playing soccer. I love watching my daughter play soccer. I feel the joy of it when I am outside and on the field. I love team sports and the synergy that comes from being part of a team. This feeling I think is truly from myself. However, I get blindsided every time I actually try to actualize this feeling. My anxiety often shows itself when I have to go and play with my daughter’s team. Imagine how I would feel out on the field with many ladies. So my joy is tempered by the fight that must go on in my body to get me to go out and play. My joy is squashed as I continue to feel the anxiety while I am out on the field. My love does not stop the beast from playing along. In the past, I have pushed myself to enroll or sign up for something like this. I then spend the rest of the commitment dreading the thing that I wanted to do in the first place. The beast truly knows my weakness. It plays with my anticipatory feelings. Dread is such a horrible feeling. Do you know the Sesame Street book “There is a monster at the end of this book starring Grover?” I live that every day. And it KILLS me because I get to the “dreaded” activity and most of the time I have a perfectly good time. Or I spend the whole time letting the beast play me for a fool. So would somebody please sign me up for soccer and also pick me up for practice and find a babysitter?