The Joys of Being a Psychology Major

Go with me on this one. One of the biggest problems in our marriage has been my getting out of the car before Bart can get around to open the door or my opening the door for myself when we go into a building. I know you are laughing right now but this is no laughing matter. I mean, this almost brings us to blows even when we speak of it now. I don’t know who is in the right or who is in the wrong but it doesn’t matter. Both of us have strong feelings. In simple terms the argument goes like this: He wants to open the door for me signifying respect and love. I don’t see the need for him to do something for me that I can do for myself. I feel uncomfortable waiting like a spoiled debutante in the car while he walks all the way around to open my door. I could be out and we could be together before he makes it all the way around. He feels that I am being selfish denying him the right to treat me the right way. I counter that if he really has strong feelings about showing respect and love I would feel a whole hell of a lot more love and respect if he for instance, loaded the dishwasher.
Honestly, thinking back this is not something that has evolved with just Bart. This is the way I am. I have never expected dates to open the door for me. I have never expected the male to fork out for the bill every time. Call it independent. Call it stubborn. Call it controlling. I don’t care what you call it. Understand that this is me. These gender roles are not ingrained in me at all. I don’t know if I see these established patterns as creating inequalities between a guy and me. I don’t want to walk behind, I want to walk side by side. (Until, I must admit, we start talking about changing a tire.) I don’t know if I am uncomfortable with the idea of traditional courtship rules. Is it because I don’t want to officially signify that I was actually courting this guy, thereby, shutting myself off for any and all other interesting offers? But that is not a valid theory because it applies even now to my husband who I am publicly bonded together with by 3 children, a dog, a house payment and a 5 year plan. I must go back to thinking that my independence is simply part of my fundamental belief that I need to pull my own weight in this world. Whether it be by opening a door that I am certainly able to open myself and have done so thousands of times before or by bringing home some sort of paycheck to pay for the household sundries. Currently I am contemplating staying home for the summer. Yes, that means quitting my job of 9 years. That decision has already been made. The plan is to stay home for 4 or 5 months and hang out with the kids, see where the wind blows me because I will NOT be pursuing my career in the same vocation. As with any life change, this created some stress. With fascination, I have been able to recognize some very “in the box” thinking that I have been holding onto for years. This is enabling me to make this very decision. But there is still this one independence hangup that leaves me wondering if I will be able to make 4 or 5 months without a paycheck. This has nothing, NOTHING to do with how I view SAHM work. I always tell Bart when he goes and does extra work to buy a snowmobile that he has to pay me double for the caring of his children while he is away for the additional time. And this may be something that is truly a dysfunction between Bart and myself. (I haven’t been married to all that many men to know a difference.) Or maybe it is a dysfunction between me, myself and I. Hey, I have 4 or 5 months with nothing else to do but work it all out. Heh. Heh.