Anyone want a double chocolate brownie?

Just like the whole blogging world that has something to say about weight gain and loss, so do I. I believe that most of my passion is coming from the spring weather that coaxes me to try and wear a short sleeve shirt and show off my arms or shorts that look absolutely disgusting on my now thoroughly winterized body. As I read some of these other blogs, I am shocked at how similar our line of defense is. That our internal self image does not match with our true self and only when confronted with a photograph do we have to face our weight gain.
I have been shopping a bit this week and all I can say is YUCK! I knew. I knew that I had been eating way too much and controlling my carbs way too little. I knew that what little exercise I did do was not enough. I knew that I was not feeling comfortable in my body…..or my pants. I knew that I should’ve started on this little fat project long ago but it has been so damn cold and crappy outside that I haven’t. I knew all of that. And then looking in a full length mirror you not only KNOW it but you are living it. You are obsessed with it. You can’t get it out of your mind. You are fat. You are huge. You can’t stop eating. You must stop eating. You will stop eating right after this last cookie. OK, this weekend is your last binge or else you will die of fatness. It just feels yucky. But being lazy feels so good. Not having to control this one aspect of your life helps out when you feel so trapped into routine of getting up, driving kids to school, going to work, driving kids to soccer, scouts, dentists, doing homework, watching TV with one eye while the other is folding the laundry, having to come up with another dinner. If all of these things could go away, you can bet that I would be able to control my eating and exercising. I could.
I am lucky. I have received no negativity from my husband. I can’t imagine having an outside source of criticism. The biggest critic is living just inside your head and is obviously just as fat as you are. Sometimes that just makes it worse though…..for me. Again, so much in my life to rejoice in and here I sit moping around thinking about how fat I am while I am eating a pumpkin chocolate chip cookie. And sometimes they really don’t even taste that good. Or sometimes you are full but you keep eating just to finish off your plate. Or to finish off the table so you don’t have to put another something back in the fridge as a leftover that will never get eaten after today.
It kills me. I like to think of myself of a woman of above average intelligence. However, my ability to maintain a healthy level of weight denies me the proof of the very thing that I would like to take pride about. I have complete control of this thing. It is my body. It is my time. It is my health. And yet, sadly, I can not—no, I mean I have not gained control of this part of my life. Hell, I am now so depressed I might just take up smoking.