Right in time for Christmas

The Beast is back. I have been putting off this post since Saturday. Sometimes I feel like this is my true inner self. The part of me that I hide from everybody because it is just for me. But then I think I don’t want this to be the part of me I keep just for myself. But I recognize this place that I am. It actually feels comfortable because it has been here and creeping around my edges for so long. The terror that is associated with it comes only when trying to figure out how long it will stay this time. I was nearly hysterical Saturday and Sunday. I have since calmed down somewhat but the blah remains.
Rationally I am fascinated with it. I recognize (mostly with hindsight) triggers and spirals. Like this weekend, we actually had an unstructured Saturday with nothing planned. It should have been nice. We had had something every single night of the week. However, no structure “frightens” me. I can’t handle it. Maybe because you want to lay down and go to sleep but that wouldn’t be appropriate and you can’t make your whole family lay down with you so it you can’t relax while you lay down anyhow but yet you have nothing you have to do and you can’t make yourself start another project. Hmmmm……obviously I don’t know yet what exactly about no structure time frightens me but it is a big trigger. It is a consistent trigger. I hate that it happens on weekends when you should be able to savor the unstructured of life.

I feel a little like the encephalitis patients in Oliver Sacks’ book called Awakenings. Remember the movie with Robin Williams. The patients would remain in a trance until a ball was thrown at them. The object caused them to reach out of their “state” and catch it in midair. As long as balls are being thrown at me I catch them and throw them back. I “borrow” their energy to do something. When the ball is no longer being thrown to me, I will enter my state and remain immobile and useless…..and joyless. I am dependent on that ball. And I am not in control of that ball. And that causes great terror and anxiety. The Beast.