Marriage

Here is what I think about marriage.....whether you wanted to know or not. And this is probably what I am going to tell my kids when they ask me about marriage. They probably won't believe me because I don't know if I would've believed my mom. Not that I think that I archived anything my mom told me about marriage as something I should remember. Was that because she knew kids don't understand and so she didn't waste her breath? Or was it because she just didn't share those things with her kids?

Anyways, I think that you have to be committed to the "being" of marriage. You can think that you are committed to the person that you are getting married to but inevitably those feelings of commitment to that person will not be there one day and may not reappear for a week, a month, a decade. If all you are is committed to is that person, your marriage can be over in that short week of non lovingness. And believe me, that non lovingness (could also be called annoying the shit out of you) will happen. However, if you and your partner are committed to the "being" of marriage you can weather those non lovingness feelings and go on with being married. Marriage is a shelter for kids, for families, for relationships (that wax and wane, because they all do) and for life's experiences. I am often struck by the stories of kids preferring to go back to their abusive or neglectful families rather than stay in safe houses. Not only do I think that "familial love and attachment" is natural but I think that stability is one of the most important things that we can give to one another. Of course, I would say that about children in the home but I also gain a strong sense of security from Bart's perpetual non guilty and optimistic personality. I feel distinctly uncomfortable when he displays long periods of moodiness. Now I have known him for 13 years now. If he had exhibited frequent moodiness during this time I wouldn't have problems with it but I have come to know him for not being moody and it gives me comfort to depend on his personality staying the same day after day.

So, I hope I can convey any of this to my kids before they get married. I do think that them seeing fights and arguments between parents can help them to realize that it is not a daytime soap opera love affair for 50 years. I also realize that it takes two of you to be committed to the marriage for it to continue to be. I have a boss that has been separated from his wife for like 15 years but has not gotten a divorce. They still share a house payment for a house where she resides in Arizona with their two daughters. He lives here in Utah but he flies to Arizona almost every weekend and cuts the grass and walks the dogs. He says he just can't live with her. Is that being committed to the marriage? A question I will have to think on.