Happy Belated Birthday Cooper

Cooper turned 5 this week. I can’t even begin to describe how I feel about this child.

All of the sudden, I just started wanting/needing/knowing it was coming: a baby. It is probably one of the most concrete spiritual experiences in my life. I just knew that Cooper was on his way. And it was scary. Our life was getting easier. Chase was already 5 years old. No diapers. No bottles. Full sentences. And there had been too many days of young parenthood that had made me feel isolated, abandoned, lonely and stuck that I had not yet forgotten. On top of that, I was working full time. Who would tend the little latecomer? Those are a lot of rational arguments that this feeling/urge/knowledge was competing with. In addition, there was still another partner that had to consent.
When Bart so easily agreed to my idea of the baby, I again was struck by the universe’s hand in my little life. He knew as well. But then to make sure that we did not ignore our freshly planted convictions, cosmic forces made sure we got pregnant the first time we did not invite birth control to participate. Again, I was given the gift of knowing from the very instant that he was on his way. It was an intense experience in that I still feel the awe 5 years and 9 months later. I am still able to conjure a wonderful memory that Bart shares. It is magical that it can be and it should be love that brings a little human into this life.
I spent the next 9 months praying the same little prayer over and over. Bless me with the courage and strength. Every day. I prayed that when I had to tell my boss that I would be leaving for 16 weeks 8 months before the Olympics would be coming to our town. I prayed that when my single 19 year old sister in law told us that she would be having a baby at the same exact time as us I prayed that when I had to do down newspaper routes for 3 months straight during the pregnancy. I prayed that while I was having trouble breathing not knowing what the future was bringing to me. I was blessed with amazing health. I was blessed with peace and calm. I continued wanting/needing/knowing that the child was coming.
And so when he came I was already absolutely irrevocably in love.

And I still am. He is definitely the baby of our family. He is definitely spoiled. The world revolves around his 5 year old little body. And sometimes it does. My world has moved over on it’s axis to be closer to him. He continues to be a spiritual experience for me because I ENJOY him so much.

Hey! This post is all about me. I thought the birthday post was supposed to be about them. I’d better get to it.

His heart is so pure. Last night when I put him to bed he wanted to tell me three things he was sad about: Jasper, his 5 year old cousin who is currently residing in Italy with his military doctor father. They were such good friends and it breaks my heart not to be able to somehow get them together. Two little boys, two bowl haircuts and two out of the world smiles. I miss that picture too. He wanted to tell me that he was missing Jasper. He was sad about his toy that he has lost and we just haven’t found it yet. And he is sad again about not getting to say goodbye to his other cousins that we saw this weekend. They were camping at Fish Lake this last weekend so we four wheeled over to them and when we left he was not able to look them each in the eye and say goodbye. We were trying to beat the night home so we couldn’t go back. I promised him that we would see them again but apparently, I was told and this is how most parents do it I owe him a dollar every day until he sees them again and gets to say goodbye. He was also sad that he has not seen any dollars from me. I told him that was the 4th thing he was sad about and we were only going to talk about three sad things. Maybe his heart isn’t so pure.
We put him in soccer this past year in Fall. And it shocked us all speechless when the child would not leave us to go out on the field. In his 4 plus years, Cooper has gone to countless soccer games. In fact, he had a pair of soccer cleats when he was 2. He would walk around in Chase and Ryan’s cleats so much that finally Grandma Janet went and found some gently used 2 year old cleats for him. He wore them everywhere. He was going to be a soccer player like his brother and sister Maybe he is already burned out on the sport but there was nothing that could be said, promised, threatened to make him go out on the field and play a game or even practice. It was a horrible weather season. We stood at the edge of soccer fields in rain, snow, wind and hardly any sunshine. It was horrible but I wanted him to see that we still have an obligation to our team even if we didn’t go out and play on the field. Needless to say I didn’t enroll him this spring. I have a feeling that part of his life is over. I feel certain he will be a full fledged player out there this next year although he may be a baseball player much to my dismay and Bart’s joy.
Since he was a little tyke and had enough hair, Cooper has his own calming technique. He runs his fingers up through his hair. You could consistently watch this when he is preparing to go to sleep. You could observe this when he has gotten hurt and needs additional loving. His habit has decreased lately probably because he gets more comfort from conversation and interaction now. However, I still see the fingers now and then and it soothes me as well. This has prevented me from giving him any other haircut other than his bowl cut. Not that I ever would! Never! Ever! Even though Daci, my sister in law and hair clinician, continuously tells me that it isn’t trendy.
Ahhhhh. The little boy has awoken. He has dressed himself in an orange shirt. (what other color?) and apparently we have a date with the Frisbee.

My Dirty Little Secret

I love the Ellen DeGeneres show. I really do.

Quilt starts with Q

I just wanted to show off something I did. I went to Thailand as a missionary and stayed there for 18 months back in 90 and 91. (forever ago.) I kept my dresses --certainly not because I ever wanted to wear them again but because they meant something to me. I have been meaning to make a quilt out of them. I even went so far as to cut them all up into little squares. And then I moved them with me to 4 different houses. People say quilting is easy but I seriously had NO idea how to turn those little squares into a quilt. I couldn't even fathom it. (My sewing skills are null to void, to say the least.) I decided to take some quilting classes and have made great strides from clueless to hopeful. I have even gotten the squares out and worked on them a bit as evidenced by the picture here.



Yes, all those squares are now sewn together. They look like the beginnings of a quilt. I still have yet to put the border on it and that may well take me another 15 years. Let's hope not.

One more thing: Just look at this seam. It is perfect! Can you tell the four lines come together PER-FECT-LY?



I did that.

Picasso and his friend Cooper

We call it his "orange period." I think there is some definate potential. Feel free to donate toward his budding art career and until he starts his rigorous kindergarten training, he is available for art shows or exhibits.

Our 4th Child

Our puppy is losing all of his baby teeth right now. Like a tooth a day. We all feel so bad for him. But I am the only one feeding him aspirin with ham wrapped around it. Just call me Florence Nightindog.

He did actually go downstairs to the basement on his own for the first time last Tuesday. It was quite a day for him. I had read that puppies grow into their depth perception which made me feel better about his hesitation. Since labs do have a common defect of hip displacement both Bart and I have been watching his hind quarters as Friday walks around, stands up and runs. It was good to see him take to the stairs although now I have to worry about two floors of furniture that look like teething rings to the dog.

I love the idea of reincarnation

Is it already Tuesday? Ryan graduates from 7th grade today. Well, until I see the report card we will use the word graduate. Maybe I should be saying today is the last day of class for the 7th graders. I am truly dreading the report card. We may be conducting summer school here in the Peterson household.

Yesturday I was at the high school track with Bart, Chase and Cooper. I was listening to Prince's 1980s classic LET'S GO CRAZY. Do you remember that classic monologue at the beginning of that song? So many memories are connected to that. I just ached to be 18 again. Or 22. An age when I was single and unattached and looking forward to endless possibilities of what I could do with my life. The pain almost bent me over.

And then I looked over to the middle of the track where the football field was and Bart was playing football with Chase and Cooper while waiting for me to finish up. Bart was kneeling down in front of 4 year old Cooper who was dancing with excitement as they talked about their "play." The two of them had their heads together and Chase my good natured talkative son waved at me .....like he did everytime I went around. I wanted another baby at that moment so bad I would have given up my first 18 year old life even though I had just been trying to get back there. I can only hope, pray and wish that reincarnation is the way so maybe, just maybe I can get to have a single jet set life in New York and also have a 4 or 5 or 12 child family someday, some world.

Happy International Donut Day!

Thursday

Deep breath, Kim. Breathe in and then out. Again. Breathe in and then out.

Apparently, I should have kept taking the pills. I really thought that quitting for the summer was the BEST thing because I have been sailing through these last two-three weeks. Yesturday I felt little twinges of anxiety but chalked it up to a busy, busy, busy day and a small $200 financial mistake on my part. (After all, even normal people feel stressed at times. However, their stress does not lead to a downward spiral due to not knowing when the psycho bus ride will ever end. Two hours, two days, two months? And then you start feeling anxiety about the fact that you are feeling anxious and how counterproductive that is.) Then Bart said something last night and put me over the edge. (I hesitate to even say this because I know that he is just a unintentional stupid man who has been married to a woman that has worked and taken care of the house at the same time for9 whole years.) He said "I have to get after your mom for not doing her job and getting my laundry done. My running shorts have not been washed in ages and they were in the hamper just waiting for her." When he saw my aghast look, he completed putting his entire head up his butt by finishing, "I mean, that is what you are staying home to do, right?"

Stop right here. Even in my panic attack, I have to say that in all the years we have been married, Bart has never said anything to me about laundry or the cleaning of the house. He doesn't care. Granted, that means that he doesn't do a darn thing himself around the house. It may be a far out myth or maybe a bit of folklore, but I have heard that there are men out there that don't do a thing and still complain about their wives housekeeping skills. If he doesn't have any clothes to wear, he does a load of laundry without saying one word to me. Yes, the load is all of his clothes only but he takes care of the problem. It has been a source of pride that my husband was smart enough, nice enough, pc enough to not make those laundry comments. And then he went and did it.

There is still so much a part of myself that feels the need to work. To have my existence validated by a paycheck. And yet when you put it that way, I want to gag. Not only Bart, but myself sees importance in contributing to the workforce and getting paid for it. But to let it define me is so backassward. I am trying so hard to FEEL the importance of staying home as much as I rationally know the significance of it. And so obviously, I took that comment a little harder than I should have. But I know that it is more than what Bart says or thinks. It is what I think.

But the panic attack makes it all about what I FEEL. And right now I just want to run away to work and hide under my paid for desk.