.THE CROOKED TRAIL

catch up

2008-06-21T09:36:00.003-06:00

Excuse the silence. I have been more busy since school has ended. No really.

I went to girl's camp and froze it all off. I mean literally. I think under the sunburn my nose has a little of frostbite it is working through. It was under 32 degrees at night and we were in tents. No, it did not rain and I am thankful. The theme of the week was Live in Thanksgiving Daily. Therefore I know all the reasons I am thankful for the cold. We did not see a bug until our last day because it was too cold for them. I am grateful for that. I am thankful for hand/foot warmers that we slept with every night. And were still cold.

My New BFF

And I am thankful for the memories. I couldn't believe how fast it brought me back to my days at Girl's Camp. I found myself in awe of the time and sacrifice that my leaders gave for us. I felt so indebted for the love they shared with me. I was very prompted to send them thank you letters. And writing this revisits that desire. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! They were such a big part of the village that raised me. And now has given me such a responsibility to give back as well. A responsibility that I willingly take on because I am aware of how much it shaped me. How much I needed that. And I even had supportive and stable parents at home. Imagine the need of those without a positive home life.

Insight into my children's minds

2008-06-09T20:40:00.003-06:00

Mom, I got you this flower because it has a buttcheek imprint on it. I thought you would like it.

"Chase, as your mother I will take away your clothes if you do not hang up your church clothes. These are clothes that you only wear for 3 hours a week and can quite possibly wear one more week without me having to iron them if you hang them up."
"Okay mom. Come see. I did hang them up."

Do you think the congregation will notice the little pucker from the hanger in the nipple area on his shirt next week?

I am ready for a beauty pageant

2008-06-05T10:26:00.003-06:00

It has been a hard couple of days.

Parenting. Painful. So very painful.

Last day of school. A little less painful but there was some tugging on the old heartstrings. There was an extra notch of anxiety as one more step toward 6th grade occurred. There was a little chaos in trying to get everything done for the last week of school. And retrospect. That can always be painful. Could I have done more for Gerardo?

I think the extreme emotion rollercoaster has taken a toll on my looks. Do I look any different?

Wednesday's question

2008-05-28T22:11:00.003-06:00

Today I had a little epiphany. I was again thinking about my past teachers. I decided that I can put the positive teachers into two groups. Two groups that may have an overlapping subset.

Group 1: Teachers I liked. I liked them. The person. I liked some facet of their personality. Maybe they liked me. Maybe they were funny. Maybe they were pretty and nice. Maybe they played fun games in the classroom. I liked seeing them everyday. Example: Miss Hoffman, 5th grade. Loved her, honestly do not have one single memory of learning anything in her class. Do not remember her reading to us, playing a game in her class, doing any homework for her. Nothing academic at all.

Group 2: Teachers who taught me something. There are teachers that I might or might not really remember their personality but I remember what I learned in their classroom. I can remember specific projects, specific games, specific homework or even specific lectures in their classroom. Example: Mrs. Houghton, 5th grade state history. I still remember learning that tobacco was the main export of Maryland.

Subset: Mr. Davids who I loved because he loved us and was funny and interesting and treated us like adults and who taught me about archeology and the voyage of the Kon Tiki by Thor. However, I don't really know how I got grades in his class. After thinking about this teacher I think he really belongs in Group 1.

So, here I am, wondering what kind of teacher I want to be. Or maybe what kind of teacher I am. I guess I will just be glad if I get put in the positive group of teachers. There is another group that I didn't even bother bringing up.

Glenwood Utah by the numbers

2008-05-26T21:06:00.003-06:00

1863: Year Glenwood was established

84730: Current zip code

437: Population of town

1: Irrigation pond that we like to call the swimming hole. Friday likes to call it that as well. He was in the water before I even threw a stick out for him to fetch. I have written about this swimming hole before. It is home to a beach and a diving board. Ryan has ripped open her foot on a old raft with rusty nails on it. We have spent many afternoons there enjoying ourselves by ourselves. This weekend we weren't quite so lucky. There were many people out and about. Ryan drove her fourwheeler half way around the pond and abandoned it at the impossibly steep part. Then when we were ready to leave she asked me to get it over the driving sideways part of the mountain. Of course I didn't want her to tip over and fall in the lake so I let her take the kids and the dog down to my fourwheeler. I then, proceeded to walk over to her fourwheeler not having a clue what I would do. I knew that the fourwheeler could drive sideways on the 90 degree angle hill. I had even done it before. But I had an audience and I let the job grow to gigantic proportions in my mind. I couldn't do it. I sat there contemplating until one of my audience members started screaming from across the pond. "Hey! That lady can't drive her fourwheeler on the steep part. Somebody needs to go over and help her! Hey! Hey! Hey! Go help that lady." My audience consisted of mostly males, a wide demographical range of ages from 16 to 40 all who had their one hand wrapped around a Bud Lite can the other driving their fourwheeler or wielding a fishing pole. And yes, I deeply appreciated that somebody did come and drive my fourwheeler over the treacherous bit of land. I appreciated it even more when he did not drive my fourwheeler into the pond while he was backing it up. I gave a little curtsy to my audience before I got back on my fourwheeler and fled the scene.

1: Tree swing. My oh my. The tree swing is something that my kids and I love. It is such simple entertainment. We had to fight off 200 head of sheep for a little swing action this weekend but it was worth it. This is actually a little piece of land that is connected to where the old dance hall used to stand. I would seriously love to own this land. I love the view. The trees. The stream. The history. The old artifacts that still lay on the hill telling the story of loud and raucous Friday nights. I hope there is even some old prostitute ghost lady that would take up haunting my house if I do ever build a house there.

Sixth grade

2008-05-23T19:48:00.003-06:00

So 6th grade.

I remember a lot about my own sixth grade experience.

I had 4 teacher team but was only taught by 3 of them. Mr. Bucci was my homeroom teacher. He also taught me about Galileo and Copernicus. I remember that my Dad and I made a large universe project consisting of a piece of plywood and Christmas lights. Mr. Bucci read us "My Side of the Mountain." He also played the guitar and taught me my first Beatles song. He played a mean game of dodgeball. I loved dodgeball.

Mr. Smith was my language arts teacher. Rich Matheny poked a pencil into my hand and broke the lead off under my skin. Mr. Smith was so worried about lead poisoning that he actually picked me up and carried me all the way downstairs to the nurses office. It was one of the more embarrassing moments of the year. Apparently it was a graphite pencil because there was no sickeningly red line coursing up toward my heart from the wound. I still have a bit of graphite under my skin to this day to mark the incident.

Mr. Turner was my science teacher. He taught me all about batteries and circuits with wires and light bulbs. Good times. He also could not get me to stop talking to Marc Zolar so I ended up sitting with my face to the wall behind his desk away from every single other person. Another rather embarrassing predicament of the year.

Mostly I remember 6th grade camp. For a whole week we left our homes and went to a camp to learn orienteering, ecosystems, herbology and other outdoorsy fun things. There was definitely a zip line and after dinner every night there was Capture the Flag. Just ecstasy for this sixth grader. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. It was the year and more specifically the week at camp when I solidified a relationship that was to be intrinsic to my life until the end of college. Becky Hawes and I became good friends at camp. Wow! 16 girls in the cabin and I only remember her.

I broke Chris Graf's finger at recess one day. He was the cutest blonde boy I had ever met. I think the relationship went downhill from there. I can't honestly remember.

I liked Chris but I loved Rich Matheny. You know that boy that jammed the lead in my finger? He was a smart skinny little thing who kept hold of my heart for a long time after sixth grade. I talked to him on the phone for hours. And sometime in that summer my 4th grade sister and I snuck out of the house and met him in the neighborhood during the middle of the night. Then we just sat and talked more in the hot humid air that was always part of a Maryland summer night. I think he was always interested but he just wasn't a committer. Well, neither was I. There was always more than one love interest.

I feathered my hair and spent so much time in front of a mirror trying to curl both sides identically. Impossible.

With all that said, how do I facilitate this year to make it as memorable for my students as it was for me?

The bond between humans and chick is truly amazing

2008-05-21T07:55:00.002-06:00

Ryan has gotten ridden all of her human boyfriends and is simply french kissing with her Pipsqueak.

Honestly, I think Cooper and his chick are starting to look a little bit alike. Don't you think?

In this picture Chase is showing his nurturing side allowing all the chicks to hide out in his shorts in the hot sun. What a demonstration of love.

P. S. All six of the above while not being gung ho ape crazy for David Cook are definately not for David Archuleta. Ugh.
We got in the carpool today and one of the 7th graders girls got in the car and informed us that she had stayed up until midnight calling in votes for David A. 784 times.

A haughty hottie

2008-05-20T13:02:00.003-06:00

Ah yes. We have hit the nail right on the head with our nickname of Suicide Watch for my little chickie. She has been jumping up on the waterer and flying to the top of the box and perching on the edge. Bart has seen the little acrobat twice but I finally caught the act today.

As you can see, their accommodations are not 5 star at the moment. They have a barn/hen coop awaiting them outside in the back yard but it is still too cold for them at night. Hence, the box in the dining room. It is fun to have them inside with us as well because we are always watching them. But Suicide Watch may have just ended all this good fun. They may be out in the barn tonight. And maybe then she won't be such a haughty hottie.

What I think about while the chickens are pecking

2008-05-19T21:38:00.003-06:00

I find myself really feeling uncomfortable posting without the visual aid of a picture. It might be the kindergarten influence that I live under. Everything must have a visual aid. In fact, I have been to inservice meetings that have explicitly told me I have to have engaging fun visual aids in order to be a successful teacher.

I believe all that.

However, when American children/teens are asked what they need to be successful in school they pick the answer "intelligence." Meaning that they believe you either are endowed with the ability to be successful or you are simply not. When Japanese children/teens are asked the same question, they pick the answer "hard work." Apparently Japanese children are still taught that they are responsible for their own success and their own path in life.

Although I have every desire to be a good teacher and I even harbor a deep secret need to be a beloved teacher I recognize that a lot of our children need to pull their heads out and actually invest in their own education. Whether or not I am engaging. Or fun.

We are doing end of year testing in kindergarten and I have been surprised at the progress that many of my students have made. I am pleased as punch that I had more students at grade level and above than the other two kindergarten teachers. Not because that made me a better teacher but because it made me think I held my own during my first year. Whew!

I did ok. Or did I? Why then would my principal come and ask me to teach 6th grade next year?

Meet the girls

2008-05-16T21:16:00.002-06:00

This is Bart's chicken who we have named Big Red. It is a little hard to tell but she is really red and she is one of the larger girls.

Meet my chick named Matilda. She is the one who we have had to put on suicide watch so Owen Wilson may be an appropriate nickname for her. She is always trying to get out of the box and if you are holding her she is trying her darnedest to get away and fall to her death. She has really pretty detail in her wings.

This is Pipsqueak. She is the smallest of the bunch. Of course, Ryan picked the most different chicken. Pipsqueak is bred to be small in stature as well as have the smallest eggs ever. Pipsqueak is also from a straight run which means that we don't know whether she is a girl or boy yet. Please, please, please let her be a girl!

Next we have Chase's chicken Checker. What awesome alliteration! He is named for a move in Lacrosse, the sport that Chase is immersed in day and night at the moment. When we put Checker out in the back yard she went straight to the Lacrosse net. Kidding. The girls have not made it out of the their self imposed 4 x 4 area out there yet. And they sleep like the dead when they get put back in their box.

This ugly chick is Sarah's who is Ryan's friend and goes most everywhere with our family. She named it Llama because it will end up having a mohawk and you can already see that the hair is different everywhere than the other chicks. Llama has hair down her feet. We might end up getting her lazer treatments because poop really sticks to it and she looks a mess. Always.

Finally let me introduce Cooper's Supersize. Cooper came up with this name all by himself and it is very fitting. Supersize is a good size bird. She likes to walk around the box and if there is a chick in her way she simply walks right over it.

I know that Disney has really humanized these birds and they really have a pea sized brain. I think about that while I wile away time watching them peck and scratch but I like a girl who is focused on just a few things and does a really good job at them. And believe me these chicks have eating and pooping down.

Besides their peeping and cheeping and beeping is very pleasant to be around.

2008-05-12T19:56:00.003-06:00

Watching Hitch right now.

Dancing with Kevin James is one of my life's goals. And it could be in the top five.

Just had one of the best mother's day ever.

And yet Mondays can just turn things to crap so fast. Amazing.

On Saturday we all got into the car and drove straight to IFA. Intermountain Farmers Association. We had been talking about this for a littlish longish while now. And Bart decided that it would be a good mother's day present. I had read the books and I thought that we could try it.

So we all looked into the cages and picked out our little chicken soulmate. We have 6 little guests at our house. They have a barn waiting for them when they get old enough but right now they are occupying the cardboard box in the kitchen.

And the barely audible peeps are so so cute.

We had a good barbeque dinner with my mother and father on Saturday night. We have had such awful weather that it is just marvelous to be outside for a time. It was a little cold but worth it. I do love my parents. They were goodly parents. They are goodly grandparents. I appreciate them so much.

Sunday morning went to church. Feeling a little nervous about leaving Friday home as the chick babysitter but he did well. Came home and had to go back to pick up Ryan. When I came back from that Bart said "Change your clothes. We got a Jazz game to go to!"

OH YES BABY!! WE WON!

Zac Effron and Vanessa Hutchins were there with us. Hey! The kindergarteners were impressed with that part.

The mundane details

2008-04-04T14:56:00.003-06:00

So much drama.

The aforementioned conference was very uneventful. It has gone like every other meeting with this parent. She is very diplomatic and even friendly to our faces. It is the aftershocks that are ugly. However at this conference there were so many other witnesses to her acquiescence. Life will go on as normal. Right now Joseph is going to a Mental Health day program for 6 weeks so most likely I will not see him again this year.

I have so much more sympathy for her at the moment with all the Cooper going ons. He is just having a hard first grade experience. And it seems that it will continue for the full year. Not only are we on the third teacher of the year for him, evidently his school is going to be cleaning up asbestos and remodeling their kitchen which will entail the whole school moving to another school for the latter part of the year. To be honest, this will be a little more stressful for the teachers rather than the kids but it will still be another change in the routine. They will have to be bussed to the new school after they arrive at their current location every day. It will be a nightmare. Looking back it seems that I should have decided to bring Cooper along with me to this school when I started but I wasn't aware of this final craziness at the time. And I didn't anticipate we would have to fire his second teacher of the year either. I made an uninformed decision.

Or maybe I still made the right decision. Maybe my principal wouldn't have liked me so much if I had come with baggage that has already visited his principal at least 5 times already. Holy Cow! I never had to deal with the principal with my first two children. Never, ever. This week he was given a soft chair in the principal's office for a playground incident. I have received a document stating that Cooper committed a severe physical aggression infraction. According to the document, he held a girl's coat so that she could not go down the slide. The document also states that the girl turned her head and bit him. I am still waiting to get a call from the principal telling me that my child was involved in an incident where his skin was broken by a human bite. Can somebody please send Destany this book?

Of course, I am also still waiting for a call from Ryan's principal as well. According to Ryan, she was told that her parents would have to be called when she was involved in a pantsing incident. She gave another student both hands high five while yet another student pulled the kid's pants down during gym. That kid was actually suspended. Ryan was just getting a phone call home but it is yet to come. Thank goodness! I don't mind the whole pantsing thing. It was done in good fun amongst friends but I am a little bit concerned of how cool Ryan would have thought she was actually getting suspended. For something that wasn't that bad. She still is a good kid.

Sigh. Even though I yelled at Chase this morning I love my kids to death.

Corporate finger pointing

2008-04-02T21:34:00.003-06:00

I just went into Cooper's room and kissed the sleeping child. He is so beautiful when he is motionless. Sadly I think that all mothers must be thinking that about their child and that would include Joseph's mother. Then even more sadly I realize that there are mothers that don't go kiss their kids good night.

I don't know if Joseph's mother is kissing him tonight.

I wish I knew. It would help to know what to expect tomorrow. I am going to a district screening for this child who shouldn't be in regular kindergarten. He has been. He has been in my class.

It has been a one of a kind first year experience. And just now I am learning there is more politics to this that I first understood. I am very interested to see if I have a job after tomorrow. After a very enlightening conversation tonight at soccer with another teacher I know my principal is working very hard to make sure there are fingers pointed at a lot of other people.

I think my mouth may stay firmly shut and my fingers intertwined firmly together in my pocket. Lest my middle finger gets away from me and I do some of my own lobbying with the parents.

April's Goals

2008-04-01T21:51:00.002-06:00

For reasons that will be revealed later this month I am going to blog every day this month. I may regret this move. Simply because I do not need the guilt of failing but this may also be something that I can fall back on.

I have many things to blog about. Certainly I do. I haven't posted in almost a month.
I will definitely be talking about vampires. Hot vampires.

There is no doubt I will have something to say about my writer's workshop I am conducting in my kindergarten class.

How could I not write about my next year's assignment? Well, I should be figuring out what it will be during this month so I am sure there will be room for it.

I would like to share a few observations on working for USA TODAY.

And as stated before, I could use this forum to discuss, whine and cry about the reason that I need to blog every day instead of something else that I have been doing every day.

If there is anything else you would like spoken of, feel free to leave a comment.

Spring break

2008-03-31T21:39:00.001-06:00

I don't know. Can you tell the Vegas pictures from the Glenwood pictures? We went down to Vegas for a couple of days. Stopped into St. George for the most wonderful, mood lifting, skin scorching 80 degree lay out at the pool and ended up in Glenwood for the annual easter egg hunt. Motorcycling was included for free. It was a whirlwind 5 day trip but I enjoyed it immensely. There were a few moments, of course but all in all, I actually wish that Spring Break could have lasted longer. Maybe I won't kill them this summer.

Not much happening except the usual drama

2008-03-12T13:40:00.002-06:00

Today my one special ed student came with a note pinned to his shirt telling the teachers off. Never mind what the note said. The fact that an adult pinned it to an innocent little 5 year olds shirt and was unable to come and talk about the matter face to face says more about the conflict than the note. I started the year with a little uncertainty. Certainly I was aware that experience is priceless and I came to the table with almost none. I wanted to do the best job I could do. But this little situation that I am in is so irrational and so ridiculous it has no bearing on my self confidence as a teacher. It also helps that this little boy has also had issues with his special ed teacher and the principal, however, my brain is smart enough to know that this is not an issue with me as a teacher experienced or not. It is simply an issue with anybody that is speaking the truth of the matter. And it is an issue as old as time of denial and not wanting to have to address an obstacle. In no way is the obstacle insurmountable but it will always be if not addressed.

Can you tell I have been reading Atlas Shrugged ......again? I do love that book. It was a rebound book. I read The Other Boelyn Girl by Phillippa Gregory. After so much non production from the courtiers I had to go for a book with some direction. I still love how Ayn Rand's words fire me up. I still know there is so much good in trying to be your best. I was put off quite a bit though by the fact that Ayn Rand only writes about the one woman who manages to gain the love of all the men in the book. Francisco, Hank, and John. Even little Eddie loves her silently. I was aware of her childish little desire for that book to be autobiographical rather than make it a little more true to life. Oh well, it really is fiction.

Soccer has started and we have a soccer game tomorrow morning. Chase and Bart are off on a scout camping trip tonight. Neither one is excited about it. After all the rain we have had it will be nothing but a muddy mess. Hopefully at least one of them will come back pleasantly surprised with the experience. I am planning on going to the gym this weekend. Eating a few Reese's Peanut Butter Easter Eggs and maybe finding it within me to organize my office.

Another Day Another Dollar

2008-03-06T15:08:00.003-07:00

I am sitting here waiting for for another parent teacher conference at 3:30. And I don't know what else to write. It just seems that I put myself in a holding pattern until there is no stress. I am definitely still trying to make it about the journey instead of the destination. Being a teacher makes it even worse because there is always a goal to achieve. It is not enough to just be.

One of my team kindergarten teacher members is going out for 6 weeks to have a hysterectomy. Apparently it is very hard to find substitutes here in Utah. Could it be the pay? Could it be the low unemployment rate? Could it be the class size filled with monster students? Who knows? However it has gotten down to the wire so I pulled my little darling sister Krissy out of my back pocket. She has been thinking about going into teacher as well. However she got a really good government job so put it on the back burner for a while. Now fresh out of that career path she feels a need to follow her heart through to teaching. It is likely that come Wednesday Krissy and I will be teaching kindergarten together. Well, technically not together because we will have two different classes. Really three different classes. She will be substituting full time while I will still be working away in my afternoon only class.

I find it very odd. My mother already comes in and volunteers in my class on Friday. I have already decided that Dad will come in and teach about gardening soon as spring is coming. I envision Dan, Krissy's husband coming in to help out in her class whether it be as a firefighter or as a "class helper." Should we be thinking of renaming the school?

Still Looking for an Answer

2008-02-22T14:26:00.002-07:00

Last week Raymond had a problem in the bathroom. He peed on another child.

I share bathrooms with the other afternoon kindergarten teacher and one of her students was lucky enough to get peed on. Raymond has been having some problems lately but even so I sincerely doubted that he had peed on another child on purpose.
There are two open stalls in the boys bathrooms. I maintained to the other teacher that if someone was in my stall and playing around I would have peed on them as well. (Would've been a little harder for me.) We also wondered if they weren't sharing the toilet. Anyways, I did share the story with Raymond's father, laughed about it with Bonnie and decided we needed a "first book" for this year. Bonnie has been teaching school for 10 years and she says she has never had so many "firsts." Mind you, most are not the firsts you want to be associated with. I was the first to have a kindergartner suspended.....in the school's history. (He hit the principal.) The good times just keep rolling!

This week one of my students came out of the bathroom and reported that Raymond peed on the floor. I waited for a personal moment with him and asked why he did that. Raymond's disturbing response was "I do that every time." Teaching is certainly not limited to curriculum here in kindergarten. We are the lucky ones that get to expound on most every subject. Including toilet etiquette. Again I shared the story with his father. I was not prepared for the response.

"Yea, when Raymond pooped in the cat litter box last week I asked him why he did it and he said "I thought it would be fun.""

What is there to say to that?

It's Been an Emotional Day and This is Just the Half of It

2008-02-21T21:43:00.003-07:00

Today I feel a bit like Scarlett O'Hara. I wish it was for one of the better scenes of the book. Remember the scene when she tells Rhett that she is afraid that she is going to hell? I can't even remember why she thinks that. Had one of her husbands just died? Yes, I think it must have been Frank Kennedy. She came down to the parlor to talk to Rhett and actually looked a little peaked. But it had nothing to do with grief for the bereaved. She was frightened for herself that she was going to hell.

Well, I am frightened for myself that I cannot be nice. And that may in actuality send me to hell. I am frightened of being nice. And I am frightened that this is bothering me because literally I am getting sick to my stomach about thinking of trying to be nice. It scares me that bad. Scarlett started crying hysterically about the whole thing and that is exactly what I want to do.

I have always thought that being interesting was where it was at but I honestly get all "brain dead" when it comes to having ........manners. That small talk that supposedly comes to easily to women is completely lost on me. I recognize it when I see it. I even appreciate it when it is done sincerely. But when the moment occurs that I should pop out with a compliment, a thank you, a hug or a "what can I do to help?" I freeze up. I am the queen of coming up with the ediquette soaked conversation lines after I am home. Sometimes I blame this phenomenon on anxiety. I am scared to show love. Sometimes at even more pitiful moments I question whether I have any love to give. It is not one and the same. I probably need to decide which it is. I might not be going to hell if it really is fear.

I am a social disgrace with other women and I am sick of it. However, my children are not very nice to each other and I am wondering if I am not showing them a good example of being nice. And that concerns me more. I do try with my children. I must admit that I feel very good about my work as a mother. I know I am trying. I know that I am working at it. I am proud of my efforts. I am proud that I am able to see my children as individuals and know they have to make their own decisions. Of course, I could do better. I don't say "I love you" every day. Not even to Bart. I do find myself acting like a military colonel sometimes and that leads me right back to the not being nice.

I was at a meeting tonight. A meeting about teaching. I do love teaching. I feel passion about teaching. My friend was there as well. She is just so open and loving. At the end of the meeting she was talking to everyone just schmoozing all comfortable. I just left. I apparently am so private that I had to bottle up all the good good feeling and not share it with anyone. I feel like that. I hold onto the love so tightly that I can't share it for fear of letting it out along with tears, uncontrollable laughter or throw up.

You know, the first boyfriend that I really liked was Dan. He came to take me on a walk around the lake holding hands. I looked into his eyes and promptly threw up. True story.

You know, sometimes in the throes of marital bliss I will just start laughing hysterically, uncontrollablly, completely not in a turn on sort of a way. True story.

You know, today I went to Cooper's parent teacher principal conference and I started crying because I just love that boy so much. And he has had such a rough year. Third teacher. True story. And truly embarrassing.

Enough of those true stories happen and you start to make sure all the emotions are tucked away as far as they can be. Including love and niceness. Because being the social leper that I am here on earth is worse than the prospect of sitting in hell with an interesting girl like Scarlett O'Hara.

Catch 22

2008-02-19T22:16:00.004-07:00

This life is way too short to live in this winter setting for this long. I am seriously considering moving. However, the boys had fun ice fishing the other weekend. Bart took these pictures.

They went to the lake with Grandpa Nolan and Billy and caught about 70 fish or so. Apparently perch is a trash fish so you can't throw these fish back. You must bring them home and clean them. Yes, this winter like setting that I lived in afforded me the opportunity to gut and clean 70 fish last weekend. I cut off fish heads. I deboned fillets. I saw way too many fish eggs last weekend. It seriously took 3 hours to clean all the fish. I think I have done my quota for......my life. We were going to have a good steak dinner that night but after three hours in the kitchen I had had enough of kitchen duty. We had Apollo Burger for dinner that night. It took us 3 days to let the memories fade and then we had a delicious fish fry. I do love fish.

I still hate winter and cold and dark. But the gym is definitely helping. It is not helping with the eating all the chocolate in sight but it is helping the winter blues.

Teacher Hazing

2008-02-06T22:13:00.000-07:00

Cooper started first grade this year. He didn't have a teacher and got along with substitutes and the reading specialist filling in for about 6 weeks. Finally we got a permanent teacher in the classroom. He has 21 kids in his class which is pretty normal to on the low side for Utah. I have spent a bit of time in his classroom. I have talked to his teacher quite a bit. I have no illusions about Cooper. He is a cute kid, he is a smart kid but he is a handful. He is a stereotypical youngest child. He has no respect for authority because he has had so many figures of authority try and assert themselves on his young self. He has not only his mother and father but all the older brother and sisters. Unfortunately they are not good authority figures and do not use the power correctly and that lets the youngest child learn to just ignore the power. That bleeds into other authority figures such as teachers and grandparents as well. It is a problem. It has become a bigger problem to me as I look at him through the eyes of a teacher. I have several students exactly like him and they create havoc in my class. I cringe to think it is my kid doing that to another teacher.
When you are a teacher the principal comes by, sits in and evaluates a lesson 4 times a semester. We call it JPAS. I was talking to Cooper's teacher the other day and she was expressing worry about her evaluation. She has a difficult class and has been graded low in the area of classroom management. (children behaving) I asked her if she wanted me to keep Cooper home for that day of the evaluation. It was sortof a joke and sortof serious.
I told my colleague about the conversation and she thought it was so funny that she shared it with my principal who then shared it with the whole staff at staff meeting. I feel really part of the whole teacher community now that I have had my perspective broadened, my sympathy increased and my personal experiences used as fodder for a staff meeting.

Slow and Steady wins the Race

2008-01-31T21:18:00.000-07:00

When Bart and I were newly married, we had the opportunity to redecorate our room. It was mandated that it must be masculine. I don't really remember if I was still in the the honeymoon stage or what but I went along with a duck hunter theme. Our colors were green, blue and maroon.
In our second house I remember deciding it was time for a new theme in the master bedroom. I wanted something a little more feminine. Bart came completely undo. He would call me in the middle of the day several time a day making sure I was not out shopping for flowery bedding. I couldn't believe the sudden interest in interior design. Finally I found a bedding set that I really liked. Of course, it was flowery. I stood in the store and debated with myself. I decided that I did know my husband well enough. He was too lazy to act if the bedding was already bought AND the bed was already made up. Sure I would take the grumbling but the battle would be won. I bought the bedding. And I made up the bed.
And that night I slept alone in my flowery wonderland. Bart slept on the couch because he would not sleep in flowers. And he slept on the couch the next night as well. I learned just how stubborn my husband could be. And it was not a pretty sight. I settled for stripes and solids in that house.
We are now living in our fourth house. Bart is very aware that I have a bedding fetish. All beds in my house have at least 3 sets of sheets and then another 2 sets of flannels. I don't insist on real expensive bedding but I do insist on routine change for cleanliness and beauty. Bart and I are well into our second decade of marriage. And right now Bart is upstairs sleeping in flowery sheets and on top of those flowery sheets is a flowery piece quilt. This week is the first week that I have ever dared put both flowery inside bedding and flowery outer bedding covers on our bed. And for past two nights it has been something akin to glee that I feel when I look over and see a flower above his eyebrow and know there is a flower under his bum and a flower hovering over his foot.

What a great combination!!

2008-01-29T21:09:00.001-07:00

American Idol and IMAC photo booth.

Can you tell that I have my eye on Simon Cowell?

They kicked my butt

2008-01-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

So, for the past 4 months I have been teaching kindergarten. It has been an interesting change of pace in my life. I think that it is probably what I should have invested my college career in but feeling so rebellious at Brigham Young University I could not have entered into the Elementary Education program. It is a shame that I really didn't know myself that well back then. And that is one of my regrets that I really don't feel like I got anything substantial out of college as far as education goes. But we were talking about kindergarten.
I was hired because the two other kindergarten teachers felt that they needed to split their classes of 26 each to be able to have better control. I was able to help them with that. I would like to say that I got all the bad ones and while I certainly have my own share and likely another share as well, the other teachers still have their hands full.
My other two colleagues both just finished their master degrees in elementary education. Both are mothers and just as busy as I or more so. I really like both of them even though their styles could not be more different. They were a big part of the reason that I chose this school and kindergarten rather than another position in a more prestigious school teaching 6th grade part time. The other reason was the school's proximity to my house and the principal of the school I am currently working at.
However, all these wonderful people do not abide with me in the classroom. It is just me, myself and I along with my 19 little compadres. And sometimes the ratio is not a good one. Just last Thursday I was evaluated by my principal. He is intimately aware of my students and our problems. He was the one who suspended one. He is the one that took the phone call about another one trying to burn down his house. He knows. However, I had put together a very good lesson that included "engaging learning activities." (That means fun.) I know what a regular day looks like in my classroom but this day was beyond even my expectations.
Their are several survival techniques that I employ on a daily basis. I love small group. I am a believer that most intellectual learning happens during small group. Whole group is just simply a social skills lesson at all times which is what is needed in kindergarten. The principal must witness a whole group activity,(usually lesson) a team activity (game played at tables of 5. Sharing and taking turns is so hard for kindergarteners) and an individual assessment. (worksheet) He ended up not just taking but carrying Mr. Suspension out of the classroom during the whole group activity and then Mr. Pyro was physically placed in time out during the team activity.

They kicked my butt.

I love school because every day is new. For me. For them. I showed up on Friday and after going over listening procedures and spending a few minutes having the class observe the top of their tables close up we had a pretty good day.

I am interested to see what Monday will bring.

How this picture came about

2008-01-23T21:18:00.000-07:00

Ryan and I went to a church function tonight and we had to have a picture taken of the two of us.

And I looked so fat in the picture. So fat. And it made me so sad. Over the beginning of the school year and the beginning of my new job I was able to lose 20 pounds. I was so nervous about teaching each and every day that I just could not eat. I hate the fact that going to the gym really does not do anything for the weight. I go to the gym at least 4 times a week. Limiting food intake is the key to weight loss. Since I have been feeling more comfortable in my class and over the holidays I have regained my appetite. The gym I am sure has helped me maintain my weight loss but I have not been able to lose anymore. I still have 20 more to go. But as I am the one looking in the mirror I know the additional 20 pounds is not all in my face and the picture taken at the church made it look like the weight was all surrounding my nose.

Pictures make me realize that I am old. This is one of the pictures we took. It is proof that my skin is old, my lips are old and my teeth need some braces.

So the evening turned into a quest of just one picture of me that was acceptable. Digital cameras come in very handy when you are searching for such an elusive treasure.

I may need to hire a professional.

The Words of the Day

2008-01-22T21:28:00.000-07:00

Sad teeth

They really have nothing to do with each other,

these two words.

The first is simply how I feel about Heath Ledger.

Dying.

His smile in 10 Things I Hate About You is

A legend.

His character in A Knight's Tale made me laugh.

He was 28.

He had most everything and yet it still didn't make him happy.

That makes me sad.

Ryan got her braces off her teeth today.

She is officially braceless as of 12:10 this afternoon.

I don't know what is more luminescent

Her blinding whiteness or

her unconcealed headiness at being braceless.

I know that youth is beautiful

but Ryan is also encircled with my heart's love

and that makes her breath taking.

6 months later

2008-01-19T22:07:00.000-07:00

Hello? Hello?? Hello???

Exactly. Exactly 6 months later. Can that be a sign?

I definately need a new font for 2008.

Test

test

Blogger does not really give you a whole bunch of variety on the font scene. It makes me rather peevish about finishing the post. But I promised myself that I would. It is still January and vague and random ideas are still mulling in my brain for resolutions.

I will be running in some races this year.

I will be taking classes this year.

I will be blogging this year.

I will be gettting my photos and my family's photos in some organizational design this year.

I will be going on a envy breeding vacation this year.

I am actually taking a class already this year so things are in motion. I have also started a whole new career as of 4 months ago. I have been thinking of changing my blog banner. Tune in again for a couple of options.

For now I will leave you with another pictorial image of this past 2007 Christmas.

My Pride and Joy

2007-07-19T08:58:00.001-06:00

Haven't posted in quite a spell.

Feel like I am barely treading water. This summer has been CRAZY.

My life has definitely contributed to the craziness but I really want to place the majority of the blame on the three culprits above.

By the way, I took these pictures. And I feel so much better that I have accomplished one goal of getting updated pictures of the three offspring.

Don't ask me about my other goals. You don't want to see me cry.

Andy Summers never smiled once

2007-06-27T14:47:00.000-06:00

Dear Raquel--

I am writing something to you that will never ever be admitted again. I should have taken you to Vegas with me. Bart was a very good sport and all but he was strictly there because I made him. That is not a good concert going companion. Raq, he sat down during the concert. Need I say more. Really.

We were very lucky actually. Remember that I had purchased tickets that were not next to one another. We had been plotting all day on how to sit next to one another. We got there early and had dinner at the MGM just to make sure that nothing went awry and we missed something. We found Bart's seat and then went back out to get very over priced liquid refreshments only to find a single man sitting next to Bart's chair when we got back. Not daring to hope we asked him if he was a single. Stephen Block was a single. And he was more than willing to trade me my better ticket. How lucky is that?!?!? Bart was positively estatic. He really was. I think he was dreading sitting there all alone. Again I will emphasize that I have given him points for being a very good sport and going with me however, I wanted a screaming partner. A singing partner. A dancing partner.

Sting's son was the opening act. After my reading up on Sting for this concert I am ashamed to surmise that the only reason that he got back together with the Police is to promote his son. He has been quoted as saying that he would only be with The Police as long as it was working for him. I can't imagine that he needs money and so I think that this was a very expensive and very lavish sounding board for his son's band Fictionplane. They were pretty good. It was a three person band that seemed to be following CLOSELY in the footsteps of the young Police band. Sting's son, of course, was the lead singer. I told Bart I was sure that he took his mid 80's parachute pants off after his performance so that Sting could wear them back on stage.

Fictionplane's last song was a two liner about a girl and her cigarettes. "F... you and F... your cigarettes." was the lyrics I heard for about 3 minutes and all I could think of was that his father was standing behind the stage somewhere listening to this song. Was Sting proud? Was he abashed? Was he trying to play it cool? I don't know.

The Police played about 25 songs and had 4 encores. I was so disappointed in people's concert ediquette. Please. Please. Please. If the lights do not go on in the venue, the performers are coming out on stage again. It has to be a universal rule of thumb. I mean, Sting is British and he worked it. I just shook my head at the many Las Vegians who were making their way down the aisles before it was finished. Raq, please keep this a secret but Bart started to leave after the third encore as well. I was so embarrassed.

Even with all that, I did what I wanted to do. I wanted to sing "So Lonely" with Sting. And I did. I wanted to sing "Next to You" with the Police. And I did. I wanted to yell out the words to "Walking on the Moon" along with 16,000 other adoring fans. And I did. It was fantastic! And even though he never ever cracked a smile, I think Andy Summers had a good time as well.

I promise when Ric Ocasik and The Cars come to town, Raquel, I choose you to be my concert partner. Pinkie swear.
Kim

Questions

2007-06-21T11:53:00.000-06:00

How do one get a child to just know he or she has to practice piano for 20 minutes every day? Why does one have to endure the tortured looks and the whining that comes on when one reminds them of their duty that was their's for the last 6 months of their life? How does one make a child understand that 20 minutes is very literally 1/42 or less of their summer day?

I know there may not be answers to these questions, but there for sure is a separate line for mothers of children that played piano to get into the pearly gates. It has a mentally handicapped sign above it and they wheelchair you in with deserved special treatment.

The Ultimate Green Thumb Question...for this Blog at Least

2007-06-14T21:35:00.000-06:00

Can you name the following plants growing in my garden?

1

2
3
4
5
6
7

All Hail the Champions

2007-06-09T20:32:00.000-06:00

Note the bald head.

The boys went undefeated this season. And they won all their games by like 10 goals. It was really quite fun to watch.

The front player is Michael and Chase is behind him. They have been inseparable for so long. Chase finally made some new school friends this year that didn't involve Michael but their bond is not any less for it. For those that have seen the movie Sahara, Michael is the tall, dark, quiet McConaughey and Chase is the shorter, chatty kathy Steve Zahn. The girls are all in love with Michael but they love Chase.

It may be contagious

2007-06-08T21:14:00.000-06:00

Chase has had a rough week. First we took him to get his haircut and the lady misunderstood my directions and pretty much shaved him bald. I was over on the other side of the store explaining what to do with Cooper so I didn't see it until it was halfway done. I could tell Chase was trying not to cry but what could I do. At that point the lady had shaved the top of his head and he had very large bush around the tops of his ears. Rogaine would have liked to contract him for commercials.
Fortunately for Chase, he is a very handsome boy. Hair or no hair.

Unfortunately, hair is large part of the way you see yourself and apparently Chase thinks of himself as a handsome boy with hair.

He cried for 3 hours. "I will not go to school. I will not go to church. I will not go to Lacrosse." We finally made him come to dinner with us as we were going with Grandpa Chuck but he wore a hat the whole time. And he was not very happy.

That was last weekend. He then entered into the last week of school. With a hat on. Saying good-bye to a favorite teacher is a hard thing. Chase loves Ms. Payne.......to death. He still talks about her crying every day since the last day of school. I think it was a very emotional milestone for him simply moving on from seeing Ms. Payne every day of his little life. Not to mention that he graduated from 6th grade and elementary school. Tuesday night I got a call from Ms. Payne saying that Chase was to receive an award at the end of school assembly on Wednesday and I was invited. Glad she thought to invite me. But Chase was awarded the Leadership Award for the 6th grade boys. He didn't cry about the award but I got a little choked up. I know that these awards mean nothing in life. People can make 180 degree turns at any time of their life. Going from having a hard time in school to becoming a contributing participant in society or just as easily going the other way. But I just liked to see that he could stand in front of a crowd and not pick his nose or scratch his balls. I just liked that I actually liked my son and I was proud of him. I just liked that he was enjoying his life and soaking up experiences.

Unfortunately he knows about the next experience of his life at the charter school and he may not like me for very much longer. Now that he is officially going to Jr. High he has been pestering me every day to find out what school he is headed for. Tuesday I received my first call from one of the charter schools that I had signed them up for. Ryan and Chase were officially invited to register for the 2007-2008 school year. Was I still interested? You bet your bottom dollar I was. When I told Chase, the tears were immediate. And long lasting.

Fortunately I was able to take him and his two friends to the school on Thursday to pick up registration papers. I say fortunately because he was able to no longer imagine the worst. He would be at least aware of the truth of the matter. And yes, I was so pleased for that moment of pride when he graduated from 6th grade because the was he interacted with the school counselor and the principal was humiliating. "I'm not going to this school. I'm not going to this school. I'm not going to this school." He just kept on saying. He wouldn't barely acknowledge their questions and I had to just sit and take it all in as the mother of this child who was living through the most emotional week of his life......so far.

But today he is all better out playing with his friends. Free for the summer. And I am the one feeling blue. And I wonder if it just really is contagious.

Oh, what to do?

2007-06-07T08:56:00.000-06:00

This past weekend my laptop
C

R

A

S

Hed and

B

U
R

N

E
D.

Two hundred dollars later it is working again but there is no record of any files that had been on it before this weekend. A very powerful argument for journal blogging. Lately I have been wondering if I need to print off every year my posts and bind them into a physical journal. That could be given to somebody or put away for safe keeping. Pessimistically speaking, I don't think that computer access will be what we worried about at some point in our future. That is why we are making our kids help plant and care for the garden as well as dabble in My Space and other computer hobbies this summer. I don't know if that feeling just comes from my innate feeling of wanting to possess something. I just don't feel right if I don't have MY copy of a book I love sitting on MY shelf in MY house. I understand that is a "Kim" feeling so I am not sure if reproducing a paper version of my blog is catering to that or if people really do it.

And don't even say a word about the lack of posts this year or how small the book will be this year and you won't be able to read it without a microscope. Ha. Ha.

A Reward for Your Comments

2007-06-01T17:46:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted in ages and I post one day and voila! I have comments. Comments most definately need to be rewarded. At least with another post.

My 54 day diet was the clincher apparently. Or just everybody knew that I definately needed to lose some poundage. Which I did........Which I do. Like I said in a previous post, most of my poundage stays out of sight out of mind on my backside and so I am able to continue my consistent phase of denial. However, as I started trying on summer clothes that I wanted to wear during the upcoming Vegas trip it was evident that the fat was starting to migrate forward.

So, I started out with a cleansing 3 day protein diet with Krissy. (Like her little ass needs any dieting, ha!) www.jayrobb.com for more information.
And then I just started paring down my foods to the following:

bananas

Costco weight loss shakes

hard boiled eggs

yogurt

tuna with mayonaise and pickles

chicken and spinach salad

Crystal Lite single servings

carrots, cauliflower and broccoli

These are the things that I consistently eat every day. Yes, I do go out to eat occasionally (especially with all the Jazz games going on) and I try to eat very little bread. I know. It is hard. And I fail while I am at restaurants but I just go right back to the diet the next day. I bring three things to work everyday so I have something to eat if I have to have something extra. I try to eat just two things before 2 pm and then of course, drink water. After the first week, my stomach had shrunk enough that I don't really crave anything for hunger. I still crave for boredom for sure. That is where the crystal lite single servings come in. I love them. They are my treat.

Now looking back on what I used to eat I realize how much piecing I did. How much I ate for boredom. And how much I ate for social outings. We are going out much less right now---like tonight. We are not going to go out ......to eat because we are trying to lose weight. Bart and Chase ran the 3 mile FUN RUN at the school this morning so he does not want to go to the track wth me tonight. So I have to find something else fun to do for us AFTER we water the garden. I have not actively looked for a karaoke bar here in Salt Lake but nobody knows of any good ones. We currently don't have a patio to sit on and relax as we excavated it two weeks ago. The Jazz finally lost out to the San Antonio Spurs for the West Conference Finals. It is still too cold to go water skiing and I don't want to go fishing so here we sit. And we just rewatched the Underworld series the last couple of weeks. So please, please, help out with any suggestions you might have.

And if you do give me suggestions, I just might have to post again tomorrow. :)

My Day Off

2007-05-31T18:19:00.000-06:00

My day off from work is Thursday. I have one day off and inevitably it is the busiest, craziest, most tiring day of all. Mostly from all the choices and decisions that I have to make. Because I can't fit it all in the day off. I must put off some things until next week. And that tires me out. It has been unusually busy around here lately. Or maybe it is just usual busyness.
We are in the midst of winding down school projects and such. Cooper graduated from kindergarten last night. It was so cute and I will try and post a picture with him in his little graduation cap.

Chase decided with his class that they would like to give their teacher a good bye present. They decided on a lizard for their classroom. Chase has been collecting money for a good month now and this last weekend was our time to go and buy the animal. And the cage. And the bark. And the heating lamp. And the crickets. And the water bowl. Although the kids did come up with quite a bit of money, Bart and I contributed to the goodbye as well. Good thing I like Ms Payne. Chase took "Bruce the gecko" into school on Tuesday and on Wednesday he came home saying Bruce has already died. Today we had to go back to the store and get a replacement Bruce. Ryan had an orthodontist appointment so MY day really didn't start until I had dropped them both off at school around 10 am. I went tanning and then went to the gym. Watched the beginning of "Stranger than Fiction" for almost 3 miles and was off to take a shower.
I then went to the store to buy some yogurt and pickles. 44 days ago I started the "54 day diet" which is working out remarkably well. 54? you ask. Well, it was 54 days to the Police concert in Vegas. I wanted to be as skinny as I was when I really listened to Sting and Stewart back then. I still have 15 more days but I don't think I will be able to lose 25 more pounds but I have lost 15 pounds and I really have started a lifestyle change of just eating less. Then going to the gym has helped a bit as well. Although I really think it is more the eating less. I went to the gym all last summer as well and I never broke the 10 pound barrier.
We did plant the garden last weekend so I spent time out there watering the baby plants and the hidden seeds. We planted potatoes, corn, carrots, onions, peppers, squash, lettuce, herbs and of course, the fruit of the gods, TOMATOES. 18 plants, my friends. My mouth is starting to water just thinking about those tomato sandwiches.
Finally I spent all this time debating over whether to clean my house or go get my nails redone. Thursday is the one day I can do some really deep cleaning and so many times it just does not get done. I am definately not living my dream of having a clean Martha Stewart house. I really should stop getting that magazine, I guess. But then I would have nothing to read while waiting for Ryan at her soccer tryouts. Anyways, neither got done because I had to take the boys to lacrosse practice and talk to my sister about getting married.
Tomorrow I go back to work. What a relief.

I should be working in the garden

2007-04-28T17:46:00.000-06:00

Lazy is just not as fun as it was when I was a kid. Now I know that the things I am putting off I will still have to do. There is no other mother around to pick up the slack.

For some reason I can't get myself to do anything this weekend. I mean other than the mandatory things. Drive Chase to Lacrosse. Drive back home to wake up Cooper. Dress and feed Cooper and drive him to the Lacrosse game. Watch the Lacrosse game. (win)Put a band aid on Cooper's body. Drive back home. Pick up Ryan and drive to a soccer game in Bountiful. Watch the soccer game. (lose) Drive back home. Go to Cafe Rio's for lunch. Take Ryan tanning (dermological purposes only).

I know sounds busy but last night and this afternoon I haven't done anything but play games on the computer. I am even a little embarressed to have my kids happen upon me. I keep telling myself that I can take a break. That it is ok to be lazy or worthless for a little while. And really if you are just sitting there ignoring all the advice that you are giving yourself and not enjoying the time well then you might as well be doing something.

Any ideas?

My Fantasy Men

2007-04-24T17:39:00.000-06:00

Still fuming.

He wouldn't even come sit with me at the school play today because he knew. Knew I was still pissed. Not that he was wrong.

But I am also sulking because these are the friends in the neighborhood we have chosen. I do realize that there are better men out there. (Brett, sorry. I know that there are dangling parted humans that are nice. Thanks for reminding me.) I have just got to become friends with them. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to include Bart in the decision making about men friends. But marriage works so much better this way that I find myself keeping with the tradition. I truly do miss being friends with boys, especially the boys that I would choose as friends.

You know, I always thought that I wanted a Rhett Butler man when I read "Gone with the Wind" back in high school. I mean who didn't? But truly I am finding out that I long for an Ashley type. The man who sits in his library surrounded by his books and likes watching people live their lives. A man who thinks more than does and maybe is even a little disappointed in himself about that. I adore anyone who loves words and knows the power behind them. Sigh.

Since I already have a Rhett in residence and am really not keen on parting with him I think I might just keep these feelings to myself and go watch Friends on DVD. Why? you ask. Well, I think the modern day Ashley and for those who have not read the classic is probably pretty darn close to Ross Geller.

The cool one. When he first started dating Rachel.

Apparently I am a feminist

2007-04-22T16:22:00.000-06:00

It has been a rough week. We had to pay taxes. A lot of taxes. We lost a lot of money in the stock market at the same time. I was bored stiff at work and know I definitely need to make a change. Ryan's soccer team lost a game on Wednesday with a score of 9-1. It was like going to a Jazz game. It has been horrible winter weather this week. All of this made me think that we haven't gone out in a long time and we needed an adult evening. So I called my friends and we made a date to go out to this new steakhouse that I have been wanting to go to but haven't because you have to make reservations in advance and we are just not that forward looking.

My friend's husbands are just stupid idiots.

One of my friend's girls went to Prom last night. She was telling us about dresses, hair, the boy, pictures, activities. I don't know how we actually got to the whole end of the night kissing thing but her husband, the girl's dad, emphatically stated that his daughter had damn well kiss the boy after such a date. That she was getting what she wanted out of the dance. The nails done, the new dress, a good time and so she better give the boy what he wanted. A kiss at the end of the night.
My other friend's husband agreed with that. That women are obligated to kiss the man after a date.

My, oh, my! I know that these guys are back woods-I-adore-Jeff-Foxworthy-rednecks but ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!??! And he was talking about his daughter. I thought I was going to come across the table at him with my knife. (But since we had paid our taxes this week, I couldn't afford the restaurant damage expenses.) I couldn't let it lie. I had to speak up for the correct way of thinking. I was livid. It is that kind of thinking that leads to date rape. It is that kind of thinking that teaches children that women are not able to make their own decisions. That there is some kind of cultural commandment that is more important than their feelings about who they want to kiss. They always laugh at me because they all think I live in a bubble and they used that one on me last night. "Kim, it would be nice to live in your world where it's not the case that boys just want the kiss or the make out session or the sex but we don't live in that world." I love how having a good time when going out is now completely the girl's responsiblity. AND on top of that, you have to put out as well. Apparently when you are married to cavemen that is exactly true.
I am mortified that these men are my friends. And I am seriously thinking that they are no longer my friends. I definitely feel that these two ladies that are their spouses (my friends) have grown up and found a different identity than that of what they were when they married. And that is why these guys are still my friends. I like their wives but last night I wanted to poke their eyes out with my fork and flick them into the street. I finally said "Change the subject" because neither side would budge and it wasn't a fun atmosphere for me anymore. Brian just kept on bringing it up. He was a grade A ASSHOLE last night. He even asked the waitress for her opinion and then wouldn't deal with it as she sided with me. Duh!
So prudently, my husband stayed out of the conversation and talked to our friend's mother in law that was in town and had accompanied us for the evening. He has not brought up the dinner today as well. There is some intelligence in him but really, sometimes I think did I marry into the wrong sub species?

Just make sure you do it the wrong way

2007-04-16T16:05:00.000-06:00

Well, this past weekend I had to teach a lesson in Relief Society. It is the organization for the women in my church. It is a little more frightening than teaching a lesson to children and I took quite a bit of time preparing. I think that I made certain, though, that it will never happen again. I adlibbed at the end due to lack of time and managed to blurt that I hated visiting teaching. Now luckily nobody I go visiting teaching to was in the class but my partner was. And I just don't feel that they would risk a repeat of anything that honest again.

However, there was a funny part to all this. We have several older ladies in our ward. Some of them have reached the old AND funny part of their life. Most of the time the funny part isn't something they are in complete control of. This particular women was in this group. She always sits in the front. She has been known to tell about her dreams of heavenly fiancees and that is why she is now wearing an engagement ring. She has also stopped a teacher in the middle of her lesson and asked if she could give her own little sermon and then proceed to talk about the things she had written down on a piece of paper during the lesson. I was talking about something nice I had done for Bart and I finished it saying that I could have bowled him over with a feather. I proceeded onto other part of the lesson and she then raised her hand.
"If you will allow me. I have just a bit of criticism." She is a small woman and she definitely has a sense of timing. She gave a dramatic pause. My mind raced. Here it comes. what do I say after this?
"Sure." I say.
"I think that you might need to feed your husband a bit more if you could have bowled him over with a feather." The wind stopped rushing in my ears as I laughed but I am still curious as to how my face looked. Thank goodness another sister had the presence of mind to quip back, "Honey, you wouldn't say that if you had seen her husband."

Bart's only response to this story was:
"Are you telling me that Rolayne is calling me fat?"

I definitely think they will have decided the relief society is not for me after this week, don't you?

FRIDAY THE 13TH

2007-04-13T20:16:00.000-06:00

It's Friday the 13th and I am letting my husband board a plane and fly down to Texas for a Nascar race. And apparently there is bad weather there down south. I am really not superstitious but I certainly don't want to be proved wrong either. Just to be on the safe side-Does anyone have a pinch of salt that they could lend me to throw over my shoulder?

So, in the last 72 hours I have learned tons about charter public schools, public schools and even something about private schools. When I started back to work in November I had to put Cooper in a kindergarten that also had daycare. I found a really lovely place that had an accelerated kindergarten. Cooper goes to school from 8:30 to 3 pm and he is required to wear uniforms. As I have now explained him to others, I really don't think he is genius or extra special (except to me) but I do think he has been encouraged to learn leaps and bounds ahead of what he would be if he had stayed at our boundary public school. I also firmly believe that his teacher in 1st grade will hate him if he goes back to public school. Mostly because he will be so bored he will just get in daily trouble. He already has the Chase tradition of ALWAYS talking. "ALWAYS", says Ms. Payne, his 6th grade teacher with a shake of her head. And then one more, "ALWAYS." And I know she is tried by him. Heh Heh. But then she adds "It's not that Chase can't get his work done but the others around him can't talk and get their work done like he can."

Can a mother say "Tough to be you."

Anyways, I started this mission wanting to find another accelerated school for Cooper. I ended up working with a gut feeling that this is about Ryan. Interesting, eh?

Of course, any institution wants to put their best face forward when you come for a tour or presentation. The ones I have visited put on a very good show. It was really when they started talking about two separate classes for language and literature that I started waking up to the fact that Ryan may be swinging good grades but is she learning the content she needs to be successful in life. Or even learning the content to make high school and college easier. She has no homework at all. She has not read one literary classic since she has entered jr. high. How can you embrace history without reading To Kill a Mockingbird, The Scarlett Letter and The Odessey? How can one learn how to write a proper paper without practicing throughout jr. high?
Ryan is smart.
Ryan is bored.
Ryan is saying she wants to switch schools.
The lightbulb did not go off in my head or my heart until I was walking along the halls of a school and talking to the principal. The anxious crazy feeling did not go away until I had signed her up in two different schools. I am not certain if that means I have done what I need to do. But it is gone and I do feel like this is the right thing to do. It may only be one year at these schools and then back to public high school but it is another view of life. Chase will have a full jr high life at one of these schools. I feel so much better about his chance at learning how to write a paper. Whew.
There is no guarantee that they will get in. These are sought after schools. But it is easier to get in the higher grades. Ryan and Chase have better chances than Cooper at gettting in. But I am going with my feelings and my feelings say things are ok. I have plans to go look at one more school. It is a private institution and it teaches LDS values. I am not at all sure I want to get involved in a combined church/state situation. I abhorred BYU but I also realized it was the stupid humans that I mostly hated. The zealots, the rebels, the ones that couldn't realize everything including religion is part of the big picture. And I realize that my brother Mark and my sister Karlee both who are very intelligent and make positive contributions to society had a wonderful education there. My kid's friends go there and really like it. And I am sure they will get a good education there. They start foreign language in 3rd grade for pete's sake.

I know this could all crumble around me and I could be hated, depised, shunned even for making this decision. Or I might could be thanked. What a gamble I am forced to make. Being a mother IS hard.

Just as I Suspected

2007-04-09T15:53:00.000-06:00

We went down to Glenwood as tradition dictates for the Easter egg hunt. This year Bart and I both took off Friday and headed down at 6 am in the morning. As soon as we got there the boys were on their motorcycles.

I knew that Ryan was not all that excited to go down and tried to get a friend to come with her but it was Easter weekend so it was no surprise that she was flying solo. Wait, I forget she brought her big old teenage attitude with her. She spent most of Friday in the trailer that we parked in the back yard. Made a bed for herself, loaded the portable DVD/TV up with movies and napped, listened to her IPOD and watched movies. Frequently we would go in to make sure she was still alive but she wasn't much into moving.

I am still so much in awe at the depth of feeling that I have for this podunk hick town of 350 people. I see beauty there everywhere I look whether it is scrub oak, cactus, dirt roads or eyefuls of valley floor.

There are a couple of abandoned homes there in town that I have had an eye on for more than a little while. The real reason for going down on Friday was to make it to the county recorder's office to find out who owns that property so we could start trying to buy some land. I told Bart he had to call because it would be most likely that it would be somebody he knew and they would be more helpful. Sure enough, the sister of one of his good friends was on the other end of the phone. We still had to go down to the office but we got all the info we wanted and more. The ladies thought it was hysterical that Cooper sings while in the restroom. Something so normal to me, I was struck with thankfulness that this crazy exuberant kid was sent to me. I like tinkling to tunes. Anyways, after all that, as we were toodling around town on our motorized vehicles, Bart bumped into a couple of old neighbors and found out about a couple of 5 acre lots for sale that are so much better. So many opportunities that could be exciting. I don't know why I want to own a piece of that land down there but I do. And so I am going to. Later we played lacrosse in the back yard yelling at Ryan through the window of the trailer so it felt a little like family fun. Cooked steak on the barbeque and watched the Jazz game.

Ryan finally came in and slept in the house......with Friday. Doesn't she look a bit like Mr. Tumnus with her human top and animal bottom in the sleeping bag?

It was lovely until the others got there Saturday morning. Chase felt sick and so he was now the one who didn't move from a couch for the whole day. Cooper, Lily, Ryan, Daci, Bart and I went to the Annual Easter Egg hunt. Observation:We noticed an extreme decrease in the amount of chocolate that was offered the kids. Standards are not being followed. We then went home and had our own easter egg hunt for Ryan in the back yard. Now that she is 13 she is no longer invited to partake in the Glenwood easter egg hunt and so we had to make our own. Cooper begged for another motorcycle ride so Bart took him and Lily and I got to working on the motorcycle track in the back yard. Nolan's yard is about an acre. His house sits on in the middle of 1/2. On the other half is a dilapidated chicken coop and a shed. So we brought ground paint and drew our own Indy 500 track. The weather was so beautiful that we all just wanted to stay outside. Plus, Lily wasn't quite so accomplished on the motorcycle so this track was just her style. Chase was finally feeling better so we divided our time between four wheeling and motorcycling around town and going for longer rides outside on the hills. Had pork sandwiches for dinner. We were instructed to call them dragon meat because Lily refuses to eat any portion of pig. Colored eggs and made little egg babies with eyes and mouths and yarn hair for Cooper and Lily. My camera was not working and I am very sad about that because really, those little egg babies were pieces of art. Watched the Jazz lose again (Daci told her father to 'kiss her ass' in front of my children and her own when he told her to eat at the table and not on the couch.) then watched Eragon out in the trailer as we went to bed.

Sadly the Easter Bunny fell asleep during the movie and never woke up again during the night. There was a little bustling in the morning but it was ok. It was a very easy year for the bunny as he had already given out motorcycles and spring clothes earlier in the season. We had about 3 hours of sunshine in the morning so Ryan and Bart went for a drive and Cooper, Chase, Grandpa, Carla, Lily and I played baseball out in the backyard. Friday was the best outfielder we have ever seen. Bart and Ryan came back and we even got Ryan to play. Observation: Threats still work well with her. Acting on yet another tradition, we then went to the hills and rolled all the eggs down to the bottom. Friday ate to his heart's content. I was nervous but there hasn't seemed to be a consequence to his actions yet. And then the rain came back and we were rained in for the rest of the day. Observation: Rain on top of the trailer is the best sound. Drove home about 7 pm. Watched WarGames with Matthew Broderick while we were driving home.

All in all, it was a good weekend but there were some hard moments when I had to bite THROUGH my tongue to keep from speaking. And I am really considering not going down again if she is going to be there. For the sake of goodness sakes!

A Woman After My Own Heart

2007-04-09T15:50:00.000-06:00

"I'm a crotchety old thing, and always shall be, but I'm willing to own that you are right, only it's easier for me to risk my life for a person than to be pleasant to him when I don't feel like it. "
-Jo March
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

7 thoughts in 7 seconds

2007-04-04T16:16:00.000-06:00

As 7 seconds is all the time that I have:

1) My house is perpetually dirty but I am also continually amazed at how much better it can look in a 7 minute quick clean up.

2) I just pulled out my second load of laundry and out fell Chase's ipod shuffle. After losing his nano he got for his birthday last year we bought him a refurbished shuffle for Christmas telling him he had to keep this one for a whole year before we would even consider getting him another expensive ipod. I sure hope that it still works.

3) I don't feel any better after writing all that stuff about my sister in law. In fact, I was a bit worried that Bart would see that I was airing dirty laundry about his family on the internet. And that wouldn't be nice at all.

4) I watched Underworld for the 5th time last night. I do love vampires. After reading this delectable and highly recommended new series by Stephenie Meyer about the breed and then completely enjoying Underworld I feel as though I might have to go back to Ann Rice and check into her Interview with a Vampire again. Is there any way that these creatures could be real??

5) I am trying to get Cooper enrolled in a private school next year and apparently every child on the face of the earth goes to school here in Salt Lake County. I should have started when I was at the hospital after birthing him.

6) Could anyone love Crystal Lite single servings as much as I do?

7) I am listening to Little Women-book on tape-and there is a whole post or two to be written about that.

The Confessional

2007-04-03T22:40:00.000-06:00

I have been having some serious in law problems lately. They are driving me crazy. And I am looking forward to an entire Easter weekend with them. It just threatens to suck all the fun out of the weekend. And that pisses me off.
It is just that they are so frigging whacked. My sister in law is such a waste of skin that I can barely handle her. Yes, she is funner than me. Yes, my daughter thinks she is the bomb (which irritates me more than I can ever put down in words) However, she is devoid of responsibility and conscience. She had a daughter 1 month before I had Cooper. Lily. And I am just so put out that I have to share the title of mother with her. She does nothing for her child. Nothing. And then her mother enables her to not do anything but come and be there for all the mother recognition moments in life. I have embraced my responsibility as a mother. I have become one with it, maybe a bit more than I should have. I definitely have put aside my own ambitions in order to fulfill my motherly duties according to the dictates of my own conscience. As much as I love this life I have, it does not come without sacrifice and hardship. I would like to go out dancing every weekend. Hell, one weekend and then not have to worry about the next morning. I would like to quit my job just because I don't like it anymore and have my parents have to pay for me and my kids. I would like to never have to clean up another dish or vaccuum a room. I would like to not have to worry about instilling correct values in my children. Yes, sometimes I wish all these things but it's not the life I chose. I chose to have the babies. Just like D. chose to have her baby. And we did encourage her to look at the option of giving up the child when she became pregnant. She made the choice. Unfortunately, I am not a big enough person to live and let D. live. It affects me, my children who also see this travesty and it affects society as she doesn't pay for herself. It definitely affects my mother in law who is in essence Lily's mother but still allows D. to make all the decisions whether they are good for the child or not.
I have spent many a time thinking about judging because of Bart's family. I know it is one of my biggest faults. I do judge. I think I know right and wrong but then every book, every movie, every friend shows me that you really don't know anything about somebody else's life until you walk in their shoes. And that over decades of time people change. So I do puzzle on how not to judge and still make sure that you are surrounding yourself with positive influences and fulfill your parental stewardship to your children. Last week I realized that I am judging the wrong way until I can love D. with all my heart and want the best for her and still decide that she is not welcome in my home. Yea, not quite there yet. Not even close. I don't even know how to start trying to love her because every time she comes near me I have to grit my teeth to act like family.

Firsts and Lasts

2007-03-28T22:33:00.000-06:00

Even Bart knew that we had an important moment this weekend. It was one of the last firsts of childhood that we will ever have again. I mean, we still have all kinds of new firsts coming. I mean we have had the first failed class, the first boyfriend, the first purple hairdo already. Some up and coming firsts I dread are still to come: first kisses, first staying out past curfew, first driving lesson and first school dance. Please, please, please let there be no first matching date shirts in my future. And if there is that first, let it be the last as well.
I was very bad at keeping track of all the childhood firsts. I didn't have one of those calendars that I wrote down the first tooth, the first word, the first step of any of my children. And I feel a little guilty for that. But I do have documented evidence of another important first for all three of the kids. I do have pictures of every single one of my children learning how to ride a two wheeler.
I was a little seifish with Cooper. He very well could've been two wheeling it last year but he was so into his scooter and I really didn't want this new phase of grownup hood to happen that soon so I put it off. Bart took off his training wheels off his orange bike and didn't even get to run beside him to get him going. He just took off. No hands, figure 8s, standing up and definately not looking for cars. He has it all down pat.
I think we are officially out of the baby stage of our lives. And so if you see me riding my bike behind a 5 year old Lance Armstrong and the wind is making my eyes water, it might not be the wind so much.

If Then Statements and then some more ifs

2007-03-24T16:38:00.000-06:00

If you fall asleep first at the sleepover, then you will look like this for the rest of the weekend.

If it becomes Spring, then you can be sure this will show up in your backyard if you are married to Bart.

If you don't bring your children, then 300 is one of the best movies I have seen in a long time.

If I could get the computer out of the children's hands, then I might post a little more.

If you like the color green, then you are invited to visit the newly redesigned Ryan's room if you wear sunglasses.

If anybody knows why the worker bees are all leaving their queens and their hives in at least 21 states of this country, then I would like an jingle. I am a little concerned. Dont you think that is a little weird? And there is no bodies anywhere either to suggest that they have died. That is millions and millions of bees that are time traveling? using invisible cloaks? starting an all male hive somewhere in San Francisco?

Catching You Up

2007-03-19T11:16:00.000-06:00

I have never been really good at discerning answers. I have a couple of times when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had recieved an answer. I am definately one of those who believes that God gave us a mind for a reason and we need to use it to come up with some of our own answers. That self sufficiency may have some negative influence on the amount of faith that I show when seeking answers. Could be.

However, over the past couple of months there have been two distinct answers that have come that have not only flabbergasted me but humbled me as well.

One came to Bart. He is such a religious conundrum. He only goes to sacrament meeting and then takes off. Football, work, sickness, boredom are all reasons that he cites. He did accept a calling in Scouts and goes faithfully but one could argue correctly that the job is not really a religious one. Mealtime prayers are completely done out of habit and we are having an awful hard time instigating sincere family prayer as well. But when push comes to shove, Bart does turn to God which I find fascinating on so many levels.

We have been talking about going to Boise for this new job oppurtunity. It has been serious talk. Bart has gone up there to see how things are. We have been doing research. It was pretty much looking like we would end up there. Until Bart called me one Monday morning and said, "Well, I prayed about Boise in church yesturday and I got an answer. It wasn't the one that I wanted but we aren't going to Boise, I guess."

Bart praying? Not going? Because of an answer given by God?

I still am flabbergasted that an answer came and it was not only understandable but was also so immediate. And that is was instigated without question. Was the answer so important to our family destiny? Regardless of my muddled musings about this, Boise has not been a topic of discussion since that day. And I am ok with that.

Maybe because this last winter has been an awfully hard time for me personally. There has literally been no joy in my existence. And not because of my external environment. I was definately on a downward spiral. I am not a cryer but I had even begun having crying jags. One Saturday I was beside myself and decided to take Friday for a walk to get out of the house. It was cold and dark and wet and nobody else was out. We walked all the way to the elementary school about a mile away and then we just sat in the field. And as I sat there just babbling aloud and crying about how bad I felt, I too got an answer. It was not the answer I wanted but there was so much in this particular answer beside the message.
It was acknowledgement.
It was evidence of the higher power.
It gave me a direction to go in.
The message was simple. "I'm not going to take this away from you, Kim." 8 words. 8 words that I didn't want to hear. But 8 words that made me realize I can't wait this away. I can't deny it any longer. I have to do something. I am a denial junkie. I am a wait-to-see-what-happens girl. This time I know I can not continue to do that. This time I had to look myself up and down and make some choices. So, yes, I am on new medication. I have consistently taken it and I have consistently been making daily analysis on if it is working.

Essentially, Boise we are no longer talking about. Medication, let the discussions begin.

Now with the weather turning, I can't even tell you the difference that it has made. Oh, how I love the sun. (I think I may dress up like a sunspot for Halloween this year.) And it would be so easy to let this all settle down under the rug again until next winter but I can't. Because of the answer. Even if it wasn't the answer I wanted to hear.

Message in a blogtle

2007-03-15T11:35:00.000-06:00

I know. I know. The title is as corny as it gets. But I love it!!!

And I did it. I got tickets for the Police. 2 tickets which is really all I need. Or can afford. I am beyond excited. I really am. I will hold it in for a little while considering that the concert is not until June 15. It is in Las Vegas, Nevada at the MGM Grand. Yes, 16,000 other fans will be there with me as we croon along with Sting to "Can't Stand Losing You", "So Lonely", "Walking on the Moon", and "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic."

I mean, look at that picture. Look at them. Would it matter to you that the seats are not next to each other? Because Bart seems to think that is a minor problem. I don't. I was happy to get floor seats after 15 minutes of being on the phone. The freaking concert sold out in 15 minutes. I may have to sit on Bart's shoulders or something so he is not all alone in a crowd of Sting lovers. That may entail me to have to lose some weight before the concert. I told Raquel the thought intrigued me to try and weigh the same amount that I did when they actually were the soundtrack to my life before.

Hmmmmm.......The Police. They do a body good.

I'm back

2007-03-12T17:34:00.000-06:00

Ok. Ok. I'm back.

I mean, I never really went anywhere but for some reason the past few months I have found it hard to press the publish button. I think I sortof wanted some kind of great big 2007 beginning of the new year post and then when that didn't come I just let procrastination get in the way. And some other little things. I realized that I hadn't taken one picture either so the documentation of my life just came to a complete stand still. So, here I go again. For better or worse. It is a little like ripping off a bandaid. Just fast and immediate so that the pain is quick and short. Nothing really much on this post. But if you come back.....there are things still to say.

And I promise I will say them even if nobody helps me to turn my blog background to yellow.

Apples and Buttons

2006-12-20T22:14:00.000-07:00

40 apples later we are still getting ready for Christmas. Ryan is out of school for the Winter Break as of today so we had to get her apples out earlier this week. Chase and Cooper are taking theirs tomorrow.
When Ryan suggested carmeled apples for her friend presents, I was a bit concerned. I have never had good luck with the carmel actually staying on the apple. And that made me not excited about taking the project on. But my goodness, what a good friend the internet is. It came up with several several recipes to try. Ryan and I did an experimental run and thanks to the homemade caramel recipe and the wintry chill outside that kept the toppings hard and cemented on it went swimmingly well. AND it tasted good as well.
Here we are 40 apples later and all have agreed that apples may need to be an annual tradition. The cinnamon and sugar white chocolate apples are to die for!

I hope that you can tell that the button decoration is a snowman made out of buttons. I have had some weird deviations into buttons this year. Probably another post. Suffice it to say, I have had a blast making snowman, santas, elves and reindeer out of buttons. I got the idea out of last year's Martha Stewart magazine. (Yes, I would agree that I am always a year behind in the trends.) I am not sure they will be appreciated to the full extent that Martha and I have liked them but I got enough enjoyment out of them that it doesn't matter.

It wasn't the Grinch that stole Christmas

2006-12-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

Today I wanted to leap out of a moving car.

Sometimes being partnered with somebody is so hard. Lately I have been rehearsing the marriage vow promises over and over again in my head. "For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. For better or worse." Who made these vows up? I guess since they were used in my marriage ceremony I agreed to them but really, who started them? Was it God? Was it just some romantic and sentimental priest that was in charge of ceremonies and their lingo.

Bart and I spend so much energy just trying to make days work. Because it takes energy to agree with him. And we do agree to work on agreeing but little else. If we already agreed on things we might be able to put our energies into something else, experience synergy and enjoy the moments. Instead we fight to come to some sort of union of thoughts but then we are both so tired and still have pockets of resentment that things are always bittersweet.

Especially at Christmas. Simply put, Bart is a material whore. And he loves the actual spending of money. Anxiety ridden and a cheap ass, I do not love the actual spending of money. Could we be any farther apart? Couple that with my trying to work as little as possible and him thinking that time not spent working or snowmobiling is wasted, well, you got some real holiday spirit going on at the Peterson house.

Eggnog, anybody?

My collection

2006-12-12T00:09:00.000-07:00

I collect nativity sets. I have slowed down a bit for two reasons. One, I don't see one I have to have every year and two, I don't have any more room to put the ones I do have up and around in my house during the season.

I do not have one single set that features bears or penguins as the figures. Snowmen either. I don't know why but it bothers me.

But this year I believe I might just have to expand my collection and it might just be a bending of the rules. It's beyond rules. It's beyond fantastic! Can somebody please tell me where I can find this sock monkey set?!?!

A Christmas Wish

2006-12-10T18:34:00.000-07:00

This little boy has been sick sick sick this weekend. All weekend. Saturday he spent the day throwing up. So much so that his little stomach muscles are sore and painful. In fact, he has not moved off the couch today. Partly the sickness, partly the muscles.

This little girl has broken up with the the first boyfriend. Just in time to welcome in the new boyfriend. The new boyfriend is a bit cuter, a lot cooler and surprisingly has a talent and interest in singing and theater.
I say surprisingly because the little girl has decided that soccer is boring. She needs more time to hang out with friends. She can't understand why both her mother and her father will not even entertain her points of debate. Sigh.

This little boy has started his first basketball season. It is the best entertainment that we have had since Drew Carey came to town. He can't believe that practice is only one day a week. Basketball must be for slackers, he says, compared to the time he put in for football.

The three little Petersons are simply too busy to get in the Christmas spirit. This older Peterson is trying to awaken it before the season is over. I did start going to the gym last week. Even getting up at 6:15 for it. But that wasn't enough. Writing tidbits in Christmas cards helped a little bit. Writing wishes and love and all sorts of good things for people you love does help to enlarge the blood pumping organ. I have immersed myself in nativity scenes which pointed my head in the right direction. Lighting candles have helped me to fight the cold and the dark that is outside.

Maybe thinking about Mary. Being a first time mother. Having a healthy, happy little boy. Looking down at that little face. Little fingers grasping hers. Nothing kingly yet but miraculous nonetheless. I can conjure up that magical feeling of love anytime I look at those above pictures. I can. I am amazed at the elasticity of youth, the determination of spirit they posess, the magnitude of energy they have. I can remember drowning in each one of their eyes when they were babies.

Now to carry that feeling around all the time every day for everyone......well, that will be a Christmas miracle. But at least I have the feeling down.

It is the simple things

2006-12-01T17:07:00.000-07:00

There is one other little slice of luxury that I have been living with that I have not shared with you yet.
Being a finish carpenter's wife, garages are for tools, not cars. In this house we only have had a two car attached garage. We have had the garage chock full of hammers, wet vacs, extension cords, outside temporary lighting, table saws, jigsaws, wood products, snowmobiles, etc. etc. I barely get a shelf for my Christmas decorations. Don't even think about getting a car in there.
Last year we built a LARGE detached garage in the back yard. Enough room for the snowmobiles, four wheelers AND a shop. This last month we poured concrete and actually moved the stuff from the front attached garage to the back one. Bart put new batteries in the garage door remote control and handed it over to me.
This week has brought the first snow to the valley. And I have not had to scrape my car off once. I simply go out in my garage, get in my car and drive out into the icy, chilly tundra that I live in. It is a small thing. Obviously I have scraped for 4 years in this house. I have all my limbs and digits. It is a doable thing but my, oh, my! it is nice to not have to do it. It tickles me pink to be able to see out my whole window from the minute I start to drive in the morning.

And I am grateful.

P.S.

2006-11-30T22:48:00.000-07:00

I hate that-low-down-get-off-scott-free-cheating-son-of-a-Michael-Jordan-cut-out Kobe Bryant.

Sorry I have been distant

2006-11-30T21:32:00.000-07:00

Starting to work outside the home, preparing for the holidays, not going to the gym, having shorter and shorter days and it being as cold as a witch's tit outside are not good variables to put all together and ask Kim to keep it all going.

I have to admit that there is still one other variable that is in play here. And it is a good one. The Utah Jazz still have the best record in the NBA. They are dang fun to watch. But it is a long time from the time I have to get out of bed in the morning till the game begins in the evening. Way too long.

My Thoughts

2006-11-26T21:52:00.000-07:00

This is the only book that I do this with BUT sometimes I think about scenes from The Outlander Series books with Jamie and Claire like they are memories. Not that I am Claire, I hasten to add. But I have read the books so many times and felt so much emotion with each page that I can think back on snippets and feel like I remember them from just a time ago. Obviously I do remember them from just a time ago but I was somewhere in that time sitting on a couch nursing a baby at 3 am with a book in my hand.

I can't believe Jamie and Claire are not real people.

Moving on, Ryan and I reworked the front flower bed the other day. It had been hosting a Halloween scene complete with haybales and pumpkins, ghosts and skeletons. We cleaned the haybales that were left and dug down to plant our 80 tulip bulbs. There had been a good many weed in the bed when I put the black tarp down and most of them were now dead. But there were so many roots left. Tangled together. Twisted. A weave of plant fingers. And all I could think about was how impossible it would be for The Night of the Living Dead cast members to actually break free of their coffin and rip through all the plant roots in order to make it back up to the earth's surface. I mean, gravity is not even on their side. I think I may be able to sleep with the lights off when Bart is gone now. One less thing to be scared of.

I am afraid of not getting everything done for Christmas. I have all these plans and some parts of plans already started but I am classic for dropping the ball. I started on my homemade Christmas cards in July. And we just finished them tonight. Now I have to write the Christmas letter that goes inside them. I want to have a neighborhood party at my house this season. I haven't even gotten the paper to do the invitations yet. I did buy my tree this weekend but we have not decorated it yet and we are busy for the next three nights in a row. Plus the Jazz play two nights this week.

12-2 record, baby. And those guys, unlike Jamie and Claire, are the real thing. Or so they are saying on Sportscenter.

Today's 3 Things In No Particular Order

2006-11-18T21:06:00.000-07:00

I am crazy glad for the Jazz having a good season this year. They have the best record in the nation. In the nation. And they look good. I would be excited to be able to paint another Jazz emblem on my front window like I did during the NBA finals in 1997. Or maybe on my roof like one of my other friends did.

I am unbelievably grateful that Cooper gets up and gladly gets his uniform on to go to school. He is such a good little kindergartener. Today I got a little misty when I was trying to explain to Bart how amazing it is that all of our kids are healthy. I shake my head in wonder when Ryan sits down and does her geometry homework at the kitchen table. And Chase's teacher tells me that he reads way above his grade level.

I am super happy that I don't have to work the day after Thanksgiving this year for the first time in 9 years. Don't think I haven't been out there in the middle of the night with people waiting in line to get into Walmart on the busiest shopping day of the year but I was out doing papers. I still don't really miss that too much.

The Secret to being a Good Home Manager

2006-11-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

There is nothing wrong with having a pile, I keep telling myself.

While it looks horrible, "The pile" is rewarding in and of itself. Really, if I know it is in "the pile", than I know it IS in the pile. I know where it is and I can find it for you lickety split. You can't say THAT about the things that aren't in "the pile."

Second, "the pile" always provides a good place to scratch the cleaning itch. Inevitably when I finally decide to tidy up there are things in "the pile" that are no longer needed in "the pile." Maybe expired coupons. Maybe a duplicate of a reminder notice. Maybe a magazine I keep thinking I will make that recipe that one the Better Home and Gardens contest in 2001. Maybe I have finally found the perfect place to store that remnant that has sat there in "the pile" until I created a better place for it. I feel so successful when I put "the pile" back and it is considerably smaller...........for the time being.

Truly, a pile is needed in the life of a woman. One needs confidence from knowing where things are. The problem is "the pile" is now in two rooms of my house. Even after a liberating trip to the garbage last night I have to accept "the pile" is growing out of control.

Or I could just concede that my house is too small. It just might be less painful.

It's November 12 and I'm watching The Grinch on TV

2006-11-12T17:11:00.000-07:00

Life has been a little strange these past few days. I mean, the Utah Jazz are on a winning streak. Those words have been infrequently used in this state for the past few years and it feels really good. Right now, they are 6-1. The best in the country.

Maybe we had better celebrate while we can.

Yes, I did actually agree to start working at a place of business. Bart's business to be specific. Don't think I didn't think long and hard about it. But I came up with 5 good reasons to do it and I didn't come up with any horrific feelings about committing other than my regular anxiety. Hence, the new job.

One of the most important reason is that I believe that Cooper will really benefit from being pulled out of his 27 child kindergarten class and put in this new school. There is only 20 kids, with uniforms, elongated school day, traditional track and hopefully a little more structure for our wayward child. Today was the primary program at church where all the kids under 12 performed for the adults. My mother was the first to say what we were all thinking as we watched the blonde haired boy completely disregard the program at hand and literally dance to his own tune. Cooper could use a little more discipline in his life. I hope he likes it. I will not be able to make him go somewhere that he absolutely hates. Right now he has no problem getting up and going to school. I need that to continue in order to make this work.

But it goes both ways. I have to have this job in order to pay for this school.

Do you see all that blank space above? I really have more to say but Bart is sitting right next to me and has edited me down. I suppose that is part of letting him be my boss.

Although this morning he did say something funny to me.
"I never thought I would be the one to say this but I kindof like sleeping with the secretary."

I think I will send out a memo on Monday to let everyone know my position is office manager.

A Beautiful Moment

2006-11-10T17:10:00.000-07:00

Last night I proudly admit that I peed just a little in my pants during the first minute of "The Office." Admittedly, it was during the third time we re"tivo"ed that minute of fun but the first time we watched it I knew it was a gem. My oh my, it was the best bit of television I have seen in such a long time. Did you see it?

I have always had pretty good bladder control. My friends and family are a little different. One of my all time best peeing stories happened to me at Bob's Big Boy restaurant. (Something akin to JB's) You know, the all night diner that you go to after all teenage nocturnal activities. I don't remember where we had gone that night but Jill, my best friend and I were with a bunch of friends from church. Maybe 10 to 12 of us. Enough so that Jill and I who were at one end of the table had no idea what was going on at the end of the table. In walked two of the cutest guys from our school and headed our way. Jill and I were nonchalantly talking to them when Mike Summers, one of our group that didn't go to my high school and apparently didn't see the all time record reading of the cute-o-meter that was going off above our male visitor's head dashed from the other side of the table and sat down next to me, buried his head in my shoulder and just laughed till guffawing. All attention was absolutely on him as he continued to shake with his whole body. Jill and I cast nervous looks at each other not knowing what the explanation would be and did we really want our male guests to know what it was. But there was no getting around it. They were curious. We were curious. And Mike was a drama queen. Besides, you know how laughing is contagious. Even though you don't know what is funny you are already starting to feel that bubble of hysteria grow inside and you start to make that stupid smile. "Tell us. Come on, Mike. What is so funny?"
Finally on the point where we were ready to kill him, he spit it out. "Karis peed her pants and it is running down the booth chair."
Our male visitors suddenly were too hungry to sit with us anymore and jumped up to find their waitress. It was no suprise that Karis had peed her pants but tonight she had taken it to an all time low. She was soaked. We stayed to finish our meal and nobody would give her a coat to wrap around her waist as we walked out.

I love that kind of laughing. Mostly the side effects are good but Karis and my sister Karlee might not agree with me.

Speaking of laughing, we went to the movies last night and saw the preview for Jerry Seinfeld's new movie. It better be good because we have to wait until November 2007 for it. But I couldn't believe how happy I was to see the man on screen again. Last Sunday, our Sunday School teacher used the phrase "Yada Yada Yada" in his lesson. We have spent most of this week arguing whether or not Jerry was the one who coined this most excellent phrase or did he just make it known throughout the universe. I say he coined it. What say you?

November 1st

2006-11-01T19:58:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to upload Halloween picture to $%&*@#$& ^%$@!*(^ blogger all day today. Inbetween other tasks that needed to be done today.

I had to get up at 6 today to clean up weeds and crap from the backyard. Can I save the "why" for another post? I don't care what the right answer is, I say yes.

I took the kids to school and then went to Cooper's class for my once a week volunteer time.

Had to listen to Cooper's teacher tell me that Cooper was very distracted when she is talking about something that he is not interested in. PLEASE tell me something I don't know.

Went to Bart's work to answer phones and talk to the boss man. IT WAS CRAZY.

Picked up Ryan from school.

Did homework, made dinner, talked on the phone, visited with the neighbor cop.

Put Cooper in the bathtub to detox from the candy. He stayed in the water for 2 hours. We read Christmas stories and sang songs.

Watching the first JAZZ game of the season. I have high hopes for this year.

I am going to try posting pictures one more time and then the list will be published. What a poor start to November.

OH YAY! It worked.

My Ghost Story

2006-10-31T11:52:00.000-07:00

A lot of good ghost stories take place in Thailand. Because in Thailand they believe in ghosts. It is part of their culture. They feed their dead ancestors on a daily basis. They give them a place to live in their houses and create a shrine to them. Essentially they ask for the ghosts to reside with them every day.

And I can tell you from the bottom of my little red veined heart that spirits listen.

I only have one tale that happened to me. I heard a lot of them. I felt chills up and down my back and the hair stand up on my arms more than once. I watched the teller’s face and had no doubt that they had been in the presence of a spirit. The spirits have a stronghold in that country. They have the power of belief and acknowledgement on their side. Belief is a force to be reckoned with whatever side it lies on.

I was a missionary in Thailand and lived there for 18 months. I was in one part of Bangkok for over 6 months. And resided in the same house for the whole time I was in that area. The Elders lived just 5 houses away in the same little neighborhood. There was some scary things that happened in their house but that is not my story for this Halloween Day. This is:

As missionaries we were required to sleep in the same room at night. One reason was because you were always supposed to be with your companion. For another, there was only one window air conditioner in the house and it was in the one bedroom. Therefore, you slept in the same room. It was a night no different than any of the others. I went to bed and quickly went to sleep. I woke up to find a presence hovering over the headboard of the bed. It was completely non material and was slightly emanating some kind of unearthly light. I was not disturbed by it at all. In fact, I felt really comforted by being in the realm of his glowing. The darkness of the room looked quite evil.
I knew it was a male spirit. And I knew that he was there to protect me. I looked around and there was another one at the foot of my bed. By now I was wide awake and I looked over at my companion’s bed and sure enough, there was two spirits at her bedside as well. I asked if they ever changed places, the head man and the foot man. And my voice came out in an icy breath that you could see in the room. He shook his head no.
And then suddenly there was quite a few other presences in the corner of my room. They were floating off the floor of that I am certain, although I have no idea how many there were. And they were singing. Somehow I knew, I knew if they stopped singing that my companion and I would not see the light of day. I could feel the pulsing of the evil outside their light. Outside the room. I could feel it’s anger and it’s power. But the singing was strong. StrongER. It was primary songs that I have known all my life. And they sang for what seemed like hours. I remember dozing off and waking back up to a different song. I remember singing along with them. I remember just knowing what the next song that they were going to sing was. And, yes, they were singing in English. My companion never woke up that night. I never thought to wake her either. They were enough. They stayed with me until sunlight came in through the window. The singers vanished first and then the two at the bed walked through the door. And my life became normal again.

I don’t tell this story that often. Who wants to be thought of as a loony? But there are unexplainable things that happen out there. Bad AND good things. So have fun trick or treating and make sure you save a candy bar for me.

2 anxiety causing questions

2006-10-30T11:03:00.000-07:00

I might as well put this out there so if you so desire you can wait with me as well. Waiting. Not a good profession for me. It tends to go hand in hand with "the anxiety." You know, how some blue shirts bring out the color in your eyes. Well, waiting brings out the anxiety in me.

Luckily the waiting shouldn't be too long. But the outcome could bring on some terminal anxiety so hey! at least there is something to look forward too.

I think that the Petersons have come to some kind of life fork in the road. Maybe not but we have been given some opportunities that can change our lives and making the decision is what is causing the "a" word.

Last week Bart came home with a new job opportunity up in Idaho. Basically to go up there and do what he is doing down here. Only not for somebody but for himself. So instead of paying Brandon, his current boss, the $20 to 50,000 dollars a month and Bart taking home a decent and stable pay Bart would be the one taking home the $20 to $50,000 dollars a month. Yes, I did say a month. I myself am impressed with this amount of money. It means that I could stay home forever and we could plop money down on the table and BUY insurance. Bart is very impressed with this amount of money and goes around with green little dollar signs in his eyes. (Not his halloween costume.) I suppose that we are not up there right now because of course, it is not salary it is commission and while somebody is up there right now making this much money there is a risk. AND because we both realize our kids and ourselves have a good life right where we are. But I sense that Bart is thinking seriously about this new challenge. Do you give up happiness for more money?

So while we were looking up houses in McCall on the internet last week, Bart's secretary and his boss got into it. And the end result is that Bart no longer has a secretary/office manager/salesperson at his office. That = a job opening. Bart thinks I have been home long enough. Bart thinks it would be fabulous if I came and worked there to learn the ins and outs of his job so if and when we do move I could be a helper. If we don't move, I would be the partner when the boss gives the company over to his two main employees next year. Is it good for a marriage for spouses to work together?

Good thing I don't live in Nebraska

2006-10-28T18:44:00.000-06:00

Sometimes my feelings will be running wild all over the place a million miles a minute and I will look up and see the mountains. So impending. So large. So immovable. They whisper to me that you don't have to move fast to be magnificent. The view will literally stop me. In my tracks. My head and my heart may even skip a beat.

I may be thinking of the beauty that is looming before me.
I may be thinking of the pioneers trying to climb their families over the hills in the snow.
I may be thinking of how I take the mountains for granted. I sometimes forget that they are there while my mind is racing and I am driving over the speed limit to get to my next engagement until I look up and they smack me in the face.

Then I can focus and for a couple more minutes I can hold it together.

Could it really only be 365 days ago?

2006-10-24T20:28:00.000-06:00

This is the girls the first day of 7th grade just last year. Ryan is the one in the brown shirt. Please proceed down to the next picture for the metamorphosis.

Still the girls. But I can't help but detect a bit more attitude in this picture.

What do you think?

2006-10-24T14:09:00.000-06:00

I have several theories percolating in my brain at this very moment. One has to do with sex so it might never see it's way on to the screen but there, here is my mention of the s word so I can proudly call myself racy today.

Can we even call that a good try? hmmm.

Another one of the theories has to do with what we talk about every day. Sports. Bart and I have had countless conversations on how to motivate the kids to want to do their best. Bart's football team's motto is DO YOUR JOB. How succinct, don't you think? If everyone does their job then the win will come. The quarterback will make a good pass because that falls in his job description. The reciever will catch the ball and deftly handle it to the end zone because he is on task. The blockers will defend and not let a man get through because that is their job. It is a good motto.

My son and his 11 year old friends have shown the skill and talent at practice. They have shown the love of the game in front of my house, in the street, at recess, at 6 am in the morning, at 3 times a week practices. They like each other as a team and also shown that at my house many times inviting them over for football or even sometimes playdoh. However, they have only won two games this year and if asked Bart and the other coaches would say (expletives excluded) they don't do their jobs in games. For whatever reason.

But that is the question, isn't it? What reason is there that they don't do their jobs during game time, the one hour of the week that they actually have spectators and cheerleaders, they get to wear their nifty new uniforms that make them look like "MEN" I've been told, they get to hit people that are not on their own team?!?!

Bart and I have a theory. Simply put, we live in a new area of town. Young marrieds. Young families. Starter homes. These kids for the most part are the firstborn children. They have not sat at the sidelines of siblings games and practices. They have not watched their brothers and older friends play street ball. They have not sat glued to the TV for the 149th superbowl because they are just coming out of the spongebob phase and there has been nobody to change the channel on them. We play against many east side teams. This is a more established neighborhood area. The 10 year olds are the younger kids of the family. They have witnessed and been part of a family tradition of Saturday football on the field and Monday night football at home. They have thrown around a pigskin since they were two. Now ten, they have lived the game so much more than these first borns who were brought up by their mothers and their fathers, not their siblings.

Today I gained scientific based proof on these thoughts. Cooper came home from school and we started the How Was School Today conversation. We have already establshed that the best part of school is recess. Usually we start with that.
"Mom, do you know what is sad? Today I versed Brian in football and he tackled me. Me! He tackled me. Isn't that sad? Nobody tackles me. So I tackled him when he had the ball and he. cried!"
"Cooper, you have to be careful. People are not going to want to play football with you if you hurt them.'
"Mom. That. is. how. you. play. football. You. injure. people." He says this through gritted teeth exasperated that he must even give voice to this absolute truth.

Let's face it. Chase was brought up by Little Bear, Maisy, Steve and Blue and me. Love. Sharing. Cleaning up with a song. Not a helmet or a groin cup in sight. But Cooper. His mentors are Chase, Chase's friends and Ryan. He will be that second generation football player. The one that got brought up by his siblings. The one that is not afraid to hit back. The one that has been hit by a football in his face by his brother and told to laugh it off. The one that learned the end zone dance and loved to do it naked in front of all the friends.

I think that 2010 is going to be a winning season.

Just Kidding

2006-10-22T13:16:00.000-06:00

Obviously I am just kidding. I would NEVER have a moose in my house. However, I do know a good deal when I see one so I did buy this for my mother and father as a lawn decoration. I hope they will rearrange and have the moose running after the garden gnomes who will be trying to climb up the trees.

I have the hottest shuffle on my ipod right now. I have it hooked up into my ihome alarm clock next to my bed and I can't hardly wait to get to bed to turn it on and listen. A lot of Alison Krauss, a lot of Dixie Chicks, a smidgen of the Police and a dash of some 70's disco. My oh my.

You don't see one of these every day

2006-10-21T21:11:00.000-06:00

Look at what I got Bart for Christmas. I didn't think it would come so soon but I can't wait to give it to him. I hope he will want to put it downstairs because it would make the front room a bit crowded.

Thursday and you know what that means

2006-10-19T19:06:00.000-06:00

My friend is a pharmacist manager at a big chain store. She has an pharmacist tech that works with her who is extremely good looking. She really likes him because he is nice as well. And young. And single.

My friend is not the only one that has noticed these desirous traits of his. The other day a customer came up to the counter. She motioned over toward Jake and said "I would like pharmacist McDreamy to help me out today if he could."

A Letter to the Daughter

2006-10-12T16:49:00.000-06:00

Dear Ryan

I am writing this letter to say I am sorry about Wednesday night. I am not sorry for what I said. But I am sorry about how I said it. I am sorry about the emotion behind it. I am sorry because I am completely befuddled by being the mother of a 13 year old. And I don't know quite how to do the job correctly.

I can't tell you how my feelings toward you have changed since I have quit my job and been able to stay at home. My feelings are so much.......bigger. Every feeling that I have for you is bigger. More intense. Maybe I have let you become a person. Not that I had to let you for you to start becoming. But that I have acknowledged that you are. A real live person with your own feelings and opinions and agendas.

It has always been a scary thing for me to love another person. I probably don't do it well. I definately don't show love to others well. Even when I think I am doing my best. Even when the love is not fragile and it is not fickle I hold onto it deep inside like a treasure. For it is just that. However, love is a treasure to be shared. I know that with my heart but my anxiety fueled mind keeps me prisoner sometimes.

But with you, I not only have this new and tender love for an amazing and talented young lady who is also my daughter but I have this duty. This responsibility. This stewardship as a mother to make sure that you know you are loved. To make sure you have enough love from your family members that you don't feel you have to go out and find it somewhere else. I feel this mantle about my shoulders every day.

Being a parent is a tightrope act. I can't make all your decisions or you never learn independence. I have to exercise my parental "NO" or else you would choose things that you are not yet old enough for. I can push you toward things and support you in them knowing that at some point simply me giving support is enough to make you rebel from those very things. I can't tell you things are important when I am not showing you by example that they are.

I have given up years of my life for your soccer career. And yet I know some of it is selfish. I love it. I love the game. I love team sports. I love watching you and all the kids get better at something. I love being part of something that has energy. I revere anything that can change so many lives for good. I see it as a positive influence in my life, your life, even your brother's lives are richer for the time they have had to spend on the playground or on the side of the field on a beautiful fall day rather than in front of the TV or playing video games. I am invested.

And then when I see you choosing to be friends with the girl with the worst attitude on the team I cringe. I watch her out on the field. She runs like the wind. She plays hard. Her attitude is fake. She wants to excel. She is involved in the goal. Amazing but then the game ends. Her heavy cloak of attitude is pulled right back on. Immediately. Always. I feel sorry for her but I hold my tongue. She is not a primary player in your life. This is not one of the battles I choose to fight.

But Wednesday night you chose her over your team. Not surprisely, she's too cool to give team cheers. Seen that. Known that. Apparently as a team coach I can overlook that. Apparently as a mother I cannot. I can't allow you to show disrespect to your coach by not participating. I can't allow you to lose out on all the positive rewards of being on a team and becoming part of something that is bigger than you. I can't allow you to be another bad example to all the other girls there. At least not without saying something. And say something I did. In essence, I just said DON'T. I didn't explain why. I was angry and I was disappointed that we were losing. So there was too much emotion in my words as well.

I hope you know why I had to say something to you. I hope I have parented you enough that you know what you did wrong. And I also hope that my love, my pride, my belief in you is the background wallpaper in your heart and these little corrective interchanges that will continue to happen will be exactly that: little.

You are doing so good at the growing up thing. Wow.
Love,
Your mom

Love captured

2006-10-10T20:29:00.000-06:00

I am the officially unofficial photographer of Ryan's soccer team. Please enjoy just a few of the images that I love from the game on the sidebar.

I can't believe how much the girls have grown since this past year. And I do mean emotionally. And I do mean athletically. This season we did move up a division so we are playing all new and better teams than last year. Obviously we are not winning every game but there have been some brillant games. Some awesome effort. Incredible plays.

I wish I could capture more of the intensity, the fun, the camaderie on camera but hopefully when I put the pictures all together on a DVD with music at the end of the season it will mean something.

I do realize that at this time of the girl's lives, it is truly the parents that make 90% of the decisions in their lives. We are the ones that paid the club fees, we are the ones that drive them to practice every week. We are the ones that make sure that their uniforms are clean for the games. We are the ones that buy the Gatorade. So even if the DVD means something to the parents and not the girls, I will feel validated.

The girls may just see a picture of themselves with disheveled hair, a sweaty upper lip and an awkward body pose.
The parents will see their baby pure and wonderful and perfect.

Confused

2006-10-09T20:47:00.000-06:00

Does it mean that I have been home for too long when I want to buy perfume with just the tad scent of Febreeze and a faint but definite bouquet of clorox bleach?

An Apology to the Universe

2006-10-08T20:34:00.000-06:00

Yesturday: It was the weekend. We had done our familial duties. 8 hours of youth sports. In the rain. The wind. The sun. It seemed only right that we should go out and spend a bit of time with adults. Nothing too crazy. At the last minute, we decided to go out to dinner with two other couples. They were close friends. None of this "getting to know you" conversation was necessary. The scenario was very familiar.

We spent 3 hours at the table. It was relaxing. And there was a lot of laughing. Unfortunately most of the laughing came at the expense of another couple that we all know and wasn't there. There was a lot of teasing. Unfortunately most of the fun came from light barbs and cracks about stupid things that were mostly negative about marriage, about sex, about men vs. women, about money sharing. I don't think anyone went home feeling hurt but I don't think that anyone went home feeling uplifted, energized, validated either.

I told Bart later that I didn't see one positive thing come from our night out. How horrible. Not one affirmative feeling, vibe, sparkle went out into the universe from my actions last night. In fact, I think.....er, I know not only did nothing constructive come from my night but maybe there was a negative residue that was left from the night. And so I apologize, o universe. I know better. I know that there are too many nonsparkle things in this world already. I know I don't want that to be my legacy.

Bart does think I am a freak and that's fine but he understands. I am no way saying that one cannot relax, take a break, veg out or do nothing even for an extended amount of time and not continue to be part of the positive. I remember the first time I ever consciously had a perfect day. And it was a day of play. A day of fun. Danny, the same boy mentioned in the previous KISS post had a catamaran which is a sail boat. I think it was our freshman year when he and his couple of friends decided to spend spring break camping and sailing at Chesapeake Bay. Despite all the whining and crying, Jill and I never did get permission to accompany them for the whole week. So we had to be satisfied with a couple of day trips. One day we packed up a lumberjack's breakfast, loaded a couple more of our friends in the car and set off at 4 in the morning. We got there right in time to cook the breakfast buffet and then spend the whole day on the water. There was sun. There was splashing. There was dunking. There was reciting "The Breakfast Club" and "Sixteen Candles" movies word for word contests. There was kissing. Nothing important got done that day. But I remember sitting on the dock watching the sun setting into that endless puddle of water and thinking "Jesus Christ could've spent the day with us." There had not been one derogatory remark. There had not been mean taunts or teasing. There had not been anything to taint the day. The whole day. For me it was startling and life altering realization. You don't have to be in church, you don't have to be serious, you don't even have to be thinking about religious or spiritual things because life and living is spiritual. Having fun, learning, caring about another human being and enjoying the sun is part of the spiritual agenda.

But last night was another story. And I am so sorry.

The Ghouls are definately out and about

2006-10-06T15:43:00.000-06:00

Cooper and his neighor friend Zach. Still too young to think it is not cool to smile for the camera.

The triple threat. Could not even bother to smile for me although I did boss them into the wagon.

This pumpkin patch is a 17 acre piece of land in the smack dab middle of our too fast growing city. All of our houses are squooshing out the farms, the horse properties, the untamed wilderness areas. And it so makes me sad. New houses just don't have enough foilage. The new neighborhoods are just naked. Today in the car we were in another part of the city and Cooper looked out the window and said "Oh, I like that house."
There was such passion in his voice I was interested to see what house he was referring to. No house in sight.
"I don't see a house, Cooper." Chase and I said in unison.
"Over there. You can't see the house but it is over there with all those trees." There was a large pocket of mature trees on one of the corners of the intersection we were out. "I like trees. I want to live in a house with trees. Mom, you like trees too. Can we live in that house?"
"Cooper, we have trees at our house now." Chase is so quick to point out wrongful thinking.
"Yea, but they are little trees. And I want big trees at my house. Mom and me like the shade. We like the tall trees, huh Mama?"

Sometimes I worry what will happen when Bart's 7 year plan comes to fruition. We will have enough money to move out of the city and have lots and lots of trees. By then Ryan will be out of the house, Chase will have just finished high school but Cooper will have to be dragged from his friends, his school, his reputation that has been firmly established here in the city. Sometimes I worry but then we have conversations like these and I think how could I doubt the love of trees?

What I have really been doing

2006-10-03T17:53:00.000-06:00

I'm a little behind the times and just decided to reintroduce myself to prime time television. I've never seen Grey or any of her anatomy until this past week. I bought season 1 and season 2 at Costco and the television gods couldn't be happier. They have hooked another addict.

Come on. If you had just watched 32 episodes of Grey's Anatomy in the last two week you wouldn't be posting too much either.

I mean, after watching what is going on in Izzy's life there really isn't too much to complain about here .....in realityland.

After watching what is going in George's life I had all of us go and get a haircut.

After watching what is going on with Kristina, well, who am I to think my life could ever compete with Kristina's?

After watching what is going on with Meredith, I started wearing a whole lot more black panties.

Question number 172

2006-10-01T21:58:00.000-06:00

Why do we even have a door on our bathroom? There is not one time, one time that I have a private moment to myself. If it is not one of the kids, it is tried and true that the phone rings or the doorbell sounds. Seriously, there is some sort of karma going on. Truly, I know that I deserve it. I was the best at having to go to the bathroom when there was every any chore going on at my house when I was a kid. But see my husband now plays that same trick on me

(is it a trick if the trickee knows just what the tricker is doing?)

so why would I need to be double karmaed in the way of not being able to get a second in the bathroom?

The Kiss

2006-09-25T23:03:00.000-06:00

I had my first kiss in the shower on the 5th floor of the boys dorms at Shippenburg University.

It was about 4 am. We had snuck upstairs......well, actually we were both too chicken to make the first move. Julie had had to grab both of our hands, join them together and threaten us to move along and find a little space for the two of us.
I was not very good at commitment at 14 years old. However, I did find myself finally liking a guy that I couldn't find another one to replace. I wasn't really willing to wave the white flag and let him stake his claim but I was not able to walk away from him either. We had been "going out" for maybe 6 months or so. Going out. Guffaw, guffaw. We were 14. We didn't drive. We didn't go to the same school. We talked on the phone and saw each other maybe once every weekend if we were lucky.
This weekend was the church's youth retreat. We were spending 60 hours or most of 3 days at Shippenburg University up in Pennsylvania. My best friend and I had spent at least 60 hours planning, preparing and packing for this wonderful weekend.
And it was wonderful. There were so many boys. There were so many fun activities. And there were two dances. I loved dancing. Oh, how I loved dancing. After the dances we were allowed to stay up but we had to stay down in the lobby of the dorms where there were adult chaperones. No roaming allowed.
That is why we ended up in the dark bathroom hiding in one of the shower stalls with one of those little tiled benches in it out in front of the actual shower. We sat there and leaned into each other. Both of us definately wondering how many hours of talking needed to be done before we could kiss.
I have no idea what we talked about. I liked Danny. I really did. But we were 14. We had been up for 48 hours already. We, well, I really only wanted to kiss him so I'm sure the conversation was lacking. In fact, I do remember "waking up" in the middle of sentences that made no sense at all. And there he was agreeing and acting like we were in the middle of intense connecting.
He always chewed Big Red gum. And I remember breathing in the smell of that gum. And I remember that we broke in kissing that night.

And that's all I remember about that night. We went out off and on for 3 more years and there were many more kisses with him that I do remember.

It 's a good memory. Not my best memory but a good one. One that is becoming more important as Ryan steps up for her reign as teenage queen.

I have to remember that the first kiss is part of growing up.
And it is a good part of growing up.
And you can't have too many good parts of growing up.

Thanks Danny.

2006-09-23T16:25:00.000-06:00

Deliberate silence since I have nothing to say.

Oh, life keeps moving. I keep moving with it. But I think if life stopped, I would stop. I am simply moving with life's current.

Last week I went to lunch with a friend who asked me if I was going to stay home or go back to work. I completely waffled at the starting line. I couldn't even come up with a complete sentence. I was very aware that she was a mom of 3 children as well. I was very aware of that she is working outside of the home and making more money than her husband. Which means that she will never be able to quit. I was very aware that my husband helps out and is nicer to me than her husband is to her. How could I divulge to her that I wasn't having a very good time staying home? How could I complain about my life when hers seems so much harder? I couldn't. So I stuck an overlarge bite of salad in my mouth and begged off.
I am very aware of the absolute luxury that I am being given to be able to stay home with my children. I am very aware of the pure need that all children have for a mother. I also know without a shadow of a doubt that the world is devilly divine at portraying motherhood, a thankless job, a mundane job, an infuriating job as an unimportant priority. It is also infinitely easier to believe the world rather than the little voice in your heart because I, like most everyone else want to have more money, do things like get pedicures for yourself and have adult conversations every day.

But I also want happy, well adjusted, secure children.

Unfortunately just staying home does not guarantee it. Unfortunately absolutely nothing does. However, as I was watching the movie Invincible and drooling over Mark Wahlberg I was also watching how much the world respects and even compensates a NFL football coach. And I am not talking a few pesos. No, football coaches get a whole enchilada for their efforts. Yes, it is a different job title from stay at home mother but, holy cow batman! it is amazing how similar the job description is.
Coach, teach, give constructive criticism, stand on the sidelines and cheer, provide training, motivate, critique, communicate, demand respect, be a friend, oversee interaction between members of the group, dole out discipline and stand by decisions that are made.

Just like the running tip. Kids are sponges. They are going to take in anything that is in front of them. Good or bad. Positive or negative. They don't know how hard it is to get the bad stuff out once it has gone in. But mothers do. Coaches do. It is our job to make sure the good habits are formed first and then the bad doesn't have room to set up shop.

What a job that sits before me. That I have already undertaken simply by having children. And I have the responsibility whether or not I once again go work outside the home.

No wonder I am silent. These thoughts are no less weighty here in ink than they were in my head.

A running tip

2006-09-15T17:32:00.000-06:00

Just a quick check in since I am feeling guilty about not updating.

Watched Spiderman at the cardio cinema today.
The other day I was sitting in the cabin with my father and my husband talking about running. During the conversation they just happened to drop a little running hint like it was a donut crumb on the floor. You know, a cake part of the donut without frosting on it. I picked it up and lovingly cupped it in my hand and waiting for the next time I was at the cardio cinema. I wasn't sure but I thought it might be helpful. And it was. Did you know it is harder to breathe out than in when you are running? Did you know that you must work harder to get the bad, used air out to make room for enough good air to come in? And then that allows for more energy and more endurance? I sure didn't. But maybe, just maybe it is an absolute truth theorem that holds true in life as well. You know, one only has so much brain capacity, time in life, memory in the computer's hard drive, hours in one day. If you do the hard work and eliminate the finished, used, old, bad parts that are taking up space you make room for the new, the wiser, the needed counterparts that can help revitalize and reenergize you for the long run ahead. Maybe I should listen to my father and my husband a bit more, eh?

The Middle Child

2006-09-08T11:05:00.000-06:00

Today cardio cinema was showing Batman with Michael Keaton and Danny Devito.

Yesturday I was able to run through 30 minutes of Bandits with Billy Bob Thornton and Bruce Willis.

Chase's email address and his fake identity (or is it his true one?) is Billy Bob Joe. When we were down at the waterhole he was catching minnows with his hands. Specifically 3 fish.
Billy.
Bob.
Joe.

And then 3 more for Billy, Bob and Joe who needed girlfriends.

He was the one member of the family that did not get on my nerves this weekend. I have just really enjoyed watching Chase become an individual. He gets up in the morning and goes running. He loves football.

He loves Friday, the dog and spends oodles of time with him. The Nintendo and the Playstation have been set aside for the summer. I love that. However, he does love internet games and he is getting so good at typing. Bart and I both marvel at him on this technology highway machine. It is a good thing too because his handwriting sucks!!! He does have a best friend whom he is nearly impossible to separate from.

He and Michael love making smoothies every day after school. They come in and try a new recipe almost daily. Sometimes they turn out good and sometimes not so good but they drink them anyway. He is just a good natured kid. Who will probably always talk too much but a mother likes that. She doesn't have to sneak around so much to find out secrets.

And so then maybe she can spend more time at the cardio cinema.

The Bright Side

2006-09-05T22:32:00.000-06:00

Getting up at 5 am Saturday morning.
Got to drive Bart to another 10K up in Heber, watching the sun rise, smelling the cooking pancakes and seeing the leaves changing colors already up in Park City.

Having to be back from the cabin for Chase's football game at 10:30 am.
I brought Michael, Chase, Kayla, Ryan and Cooper as well as Bart to the cabin to stay over so we could get up early for the race.

Finding out the game was changed to 1:30 pm.
That gave me the chance to go shopping with Ryan and Kayla for halloween costumes. Forced grin here. And rolled eyes.
But it is my job as a mother.

Losing the aforementioned game.
Watching Chase, Michael, and Dylan play this game. Watching the coach fathers grip their hands, hold their tongues and struggle with their language. Feeling pride.

Bart going and buying a truck that costs half our house payment. After telling me that there was no way he was going to increase his payment over his last truck.
It's not the simple life that I want to live but he can afford it.

When 4 out of 5 family members are me causing internal mostly unexplainable anxiety and general pissiness, it is recommended that I dig out the old little blue pill prescription and pop that baby. So I did. And the only reason I didn't take all 20 of them was that I honestly could not imagine being without one the following day.
At least the pills were there in the drawer. T.H.A.N.K. G.O.O.D.N.E.S.S.

Ryan slicing her foot open on a rusty nail out at the waterhole with me being the only adult there.
She was there in the water. Jumping off the diving board. Screaming with joy. None of this little "too cool for school" attitude anywhere to be seen.

Did I mention that Bart bought a truck? He has a honest to goodness spending problem and coupled with my control issues we have some serious problems.
He also bought my four wheelers without my permission and I "heart" them to death. To death. This whole weekend I just drove around with 5 little kids patterning behind me. Bart had gone hunting but he made sure he left me with not just our two four wheelers but three machines so we could all have fun at the same time.

P.S. Cooper decided to drink the hydrogen peroxide that we have been using to clean out Ryan's wound on Tuesday night. Obviously life is continuing forward as planned.
Obviously life is continuing forward as planned.

What's happening, hotstuff?

2006-08-29T10:32:00.000-06:00

While I have flaked a bit on recording the movie of the day at the cardio cinema, I have not flaked at getting to the gym every week day. Every day, my dear friends.

My fat keeps coming along to keep me company as well. Lucky me.

Today I watched The Mask of Zorro again. However it was a different 30 minutes than the last time last week. Yesturday I watched Happy Gilmore again. That movie could probably be returned to the movie store for another 3 months. Last week I watched first 30 minutes of Prince and Me and the 2nd 30 minutes of the Prince and Me. I may have to rent the dang movie just to see the last 15 minutes and close the book.

Ryan lost her season's first soccer game this weekend. 4-2. She made one of the goals. The goalie let 2 of the other teams goal just walk on by her into the net. It was a little painful to watch. More painful to listen to some of our girl's comments about the mistakes. I mean, one of our girls actually yelled over to the side of the field to us saying "Coach, can you please put me in as goalie?" I wanted to backhand her out of the state. So I did the next best thing. Became the bitch assistant coach that told them how talking about the goalie will never happen again this season.

That felt so good that when we were leaving the movie theater after seeing Invincible I relapsed. I was pulling the car out of my parking space in the crowded parking lot and another car was waiting for me to pull out. The woman in the car was making exasperated gestures trying to get me to hurry out of my space. Folks, I am not a bad vehicle operator. I am not overly slow. I am not out of control. I was correctly cautious in making sure nobody that was walking through the parking lot was behind me and also that I was not going to hit the next line of parked cars over. The lady got very animated with her hurry up gestures so I decided that she would be better off not waiting for me to get out of my spot. "Go find another empty one so you can pull in immediately. " I told her that by simply pulling back into my spot and sitting there. Ryan, Alena, her friend, Chase and Bart were very amused by it all. It is sad that you feel powerful when being a bitch, however, you are also left with a sense of remorse that you let the inner bitch have her way. Not to mention, in front of the kids to leave a fantastic example of what not to do. They honked at us and finally, finally pulled away to go find another spot. Secretly I hoped they were late for their movie but also secretly I was relieved that the guy didn't get out of the car and start something with Bart. Because Bart does not back down. Wrong or right. He is as stubborn as..............Ryan. And the mules they both rode in on.

Chase won his pre seaon football scrimmage. I think this may be a good year for the West Jordan Mighty Mites White Team. Happiness for me is
1) Michael and Dylan and Chase are on the same team making carpool easier for me and practice a whole lot more fun for them.
2) Same coach this year who believes in having fun is the number one priority and winning the game comes second. Makes for a whole lot less crying.
3) One of Chase's teammates from last year is the son of the high school football coach. His mother is the high school football team's photographer. Every game she is out there with her 75 foot lens and camera taking pictures of the boys. And at the end of the year we get a fabulous CD with thousands of gorgeous pictures. Can you say "Happy Day about the CD again this year" boys and girls? I love my camera and it was the best one I could get without the 75 foot lens. It is 12x optical which is pretty dang good but it doesn't compare to hers.
4) Chase loves it. He does. He loves the game.
5) Bart is coaching and is involved in Chase's life. I know that Bart has risen above his father's example of parenthood by 200% already. I recognize the effort that he makes and it is unknown territory to him as far as anything he learned from his family. And you know what, I think he likes it.

My pick for the Grammy

2006-08-27T23:58:00.000-06:00

I am watching Notting Hill right now.

I have decided at this instant that it is my all time favorite movie.

It has my all time favorite scene in it.

It has my all time favorite conversation lines in it.

"Big feet..........large shoes." "It's as if I have taken love heroin." "Happiness isn't happiness without a violin playing goat." "Flopsy"

And it has my all time favorite sidekick in it. Rhys. He is classic.

And finally it uses my all time favorite song. It is simply my favorite song because it makes my heart become disconnected from my body and slowly slide down my face. Every time. Every damn time. No matter what.

I can't believe that my version of real love comes from a movie. A carefully scripted and fantastically casted movie but nevertheless a product of Hollywood.

Truly, when Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant try to climb over a fence and get into a little park at the end of their first date I have to stick myself in the freezer to keep from melting all over the couch. I have been at that park. I have laughed at those jokes. I have had that moment and looked into someone else's eyes. And it was oh, so breathtaking. Somehow they captured the magic and put it on a DVD so that I could have and keep that moment on my shelf.

I never wanted to stash that moment on a dusty shelf but there is no room for it with all the diapers and homework and soccer call lists that seem to take up all the room on my counters.

I hope with every molecule in my body that there will be a time for it soon. And that the magic will show up and surprise and delight me. Because it is one of the few ways I know of that really allows you to know you are living life and not just moving along with the current.

But for now I will continue to watch Notting Hill and hope.

Kissing Summer Goodbye

2006-08-24T19:40:00.000-06:00

3 months. 90 days. Can it be over?

Ryan and McKenzie featured here go back to school on Monday. Chase and Cooper have already been back 4 weeks now. I have been ignoring the signs of fall for that long now. It is so evident that the days are getting shorter. Not cooler yet but definately shorter. Thank goodness Mother Nature knows that it is hard enough to get kids to go to bed for early school mornings without an super duper elongated day.

You gotta love her.

Just as my flowers are a little wilted from all the hot rays of succulent sun she opens her arms and starts throwing out manna from heaven.

You don't even need to go into the kitchen to create a meal. You can stay outside in her living room with the trampoline boy.

Because this summer as Ryan turned 13 you realized that 13 years just went like "snap" and they were over. Gone. Done. How many peaches did I make her eat? How many peaches did I eat with her? Did I teach her that peaches were better than french fries? Did I watch her do enough somersaults on the tramp that she knows I love her? Does she feel enough security that she can let go of childhood and become a little lady?

Mother Nature is certainly as busy working on her Ryan creation as she is tending to the tomatoes in my garden.

They are both almost ripe. So maybe while I am trying to say my goodbyes to summer, Ryan is really saying "Hello. I didn't know you were right behind me. So glad you're here. We are going to have such a good time."

Saying goodbye to summer and my baby may just prove to be beyond the balm of a simple BLT sandwich.

The truth about my butt

2006-08-22T19:48:00.000-06:00

Monday: Finding Neverland

Tuesday: The Mask of Zorro

My arms hurt from the the weights on Monday. I dread the thought of doing my upper body routine tomorrow morning but Brian says that you have to have a little bit of soreness to make something happen. Something like not having so many rolls on your back.

I think that maybe what added to my delusional state of thinking I was semi not fat is that a LOT of my fat is clinging to my back and butt so it can hide from my eyes. I mean, I am a truth seeking, call it like it is kindof girl and yet I have been living in the semi not fat world for so so long. How could that happen?

It's all jiggly wiggly behind me.

When I wasn't here I was there

2006-08-19T14:18:00.000-06:00

Isn't he cute? Owen Hinckley Solomon. Born on July 29, 2006. 8 lbs 4 ozs. 21 inches. Firstborn to my brother Mark Solomon and Bridgette Hodson (sp?) Solomon. Right now he resides in Oregon but apparently they will be moving to California in another month or two.

It was very easy to be reminded why I wanted another baby.

And it was also very easy to see that I would never get to the gym again in at least two years. Cardio cinema here I come! Maybe if I'm lucky they will be playing Look Who's Talking or 9 Months.

Kidding!

Speaking of movies, went to go see Step Up starring Channing Tatum with 8 13 year olds last night. It is not right for a man to be that good looking. Not right I tell you.

Home

2006-08-16T22:50:00.000-06:00

Being home is balm to my soul.

Apparently my soul relishes chaos. Needs acceptable amounts of clutter. Desires the pulling and the pushing to become something better. Finds joy in the duty and responsiblity of motherhood. Appreciates the safety of having an already forged relationship to come back to. Loves the souls of the others I call family.

Perhaps I need to stop listening to this loud whiny body of mine and get beyond to the quiet hush of my soul more often.

Too tired to make a Title

2006-08-11T19:19:00.000-06:00

Up at 5 am again to go to the gym. I worked with the weights and I am already sore. So much for for any upper body strength that I thought I had. I was mildly excited to see the case for Batman Returns showing as playing in the cardio cinema. All this hype about Heath Ledger playing the new joker has made me want to see it again. However, when I walked in it was Red Eye that was playing.

Gag.

I didn't stay.

We did have Chase's friend birthday bash today. I took 6 boys under the age of 12 to the water park. By myself. We waited for Cooper to come home from school, picked up his five year old friend and took off.
Although he is absolutely not ready to be on his own, Cooper's new five year old attitude is "I don't need you, mom." I mean, he bumped his head a few days ago on my headboard. I said "Are you alright? That must have hurt."
His reply: "Mom, I'm five now. It's fine." brushing away my hands.
Needless to say, I spent 6 hours today chasing after a child who thought he was 11 years old and taller than the 3 feet of water I wanted him to stay in.
Water and children make my anxiety disorder seem normal. I mean, technically, you can't be too careful around water with children. Especially 83 million gallons of H2O. So, for a whole day I was a completely normal mother using her eyes in the front, back and side of her head, not letting the kids out of her sight for a moment and applying layers and layers of suntan lotion.

Fortunately

2006-08-10T12:10:00.000-06:00

Fortunately, I have already been to the gym today twice and it is only noon.

Unfortunately, the first time was at 5 am in the morning.

Fortunately, Brian, my body builder friend was already there and waiting to show me how to do all the weight training that will lose me 30 pounds.

Unfortunately, Brian, my other friend that is such a putz to his wife, was there as well.

Fortunately, Brian and I were done by 6 am.

Unfortunately, he wants me to come back tomorrow morning so he can go through the scheduled workout with me.

Fortunately, I can go back to bed tomorrow morning as well.

Unfortunately, he tells me that I can't eat anything but salad after 4 pm if I won't go on a real diet.

Fortunately, I know from experience that as you get in shape you have less sugar cravings.

Unfortunately, today I have already eaten 2 Krispie Kremes.

Fortunately, I was able to watch Miss Congeniality II today while doing cardio during my second visit.

Unfortunately, even after my cardio workout I am nowhere close to looking like Sandra Bullock.

And there is no fortunately about that.

The Coolest Thing

2006-08-09T13:41:00.000-06:00

I have a goal to go to the gym for 6 weeks straight. Well, really my goal is to lose weight. I am sick of being large margish. I want to WANT to get a family picture taken that I am included in. I don't want to strain my heart to carry around unnecessary weight. I want to be sexy even if I can't work it for anyone but my husband. I want to be able to go buy whatever clothes I want, not the clothes that simply make me look the thinnest.

I realize that I will have to give up some eating habits but I am focusing on the gym goal right now. It has just gotten easier.

My gym was just remodeled. It added a new women's section, expanded daycare, and THE COOLEST THING ever. It is called a cardio cinema. Essentially, it is a simply a movie theater with treadmills, elliptical machines, bikes and stairmasters instead of chairs. Since Cooper started school last Tuesday I have been spending an hour there every day. I never get to finish the movie but it is so WONDERFUL not to have to deal with commercials. I love it! So I am going to add an additional line to my blog every day. It will be the movie that I watched. Even if I don't write anything else I am going to do this so I will have another check and balance to get me to the gym every day.

Day 7--TODAY'S MOVIE: The Producers.

Math problems

2006-08-06T21:04:00.000-06:00

1. Cooper started kindergarten this last week. His first day was Tuesday. The first day his teacher was the same woman that greeted us for kindergarten orientation. The second day his teacher was a woman with black hair. The third day the kindergarteners had a teacher who had blonde short hair. Finally on Friday, the woman who opened the classroom door was named Mrs. Long. She had red hair. How many different teachers has Cooper had in his first week?

2. Ryan gets 17 phone calls a day. For every 5 times that Amber calls, Cameron calls twice. If Amber calls 15 times a day, how many times does Cameron call a day?

3. Bridgette and my brother Mark finally had their baby. It was born Sunday July 30 and is doing very well. They live in Oregon. It takes 2 hours to get to Oregon from Salt Lake City by plane. It takes 11.5 hours to get to Oregon from Salt Lake City by car. How many teeth grinding, gut wrenching painful minutes does Kim save herself by flying to Oregon to see the baby rather than driving?

4. Kim has started exercising again. In the last week she went to the gym 4 times. She ran on the treadmill for 40 minutes each day. She lifted weights to minimize her hips, her abdomen and her gluteous maximus 30 minutes each day. How many days do you think she can go this week?

Answers will be corrected and sent back in 1-2 business days. Good luck!

Need I say more?

2006-08-01T14:33:00.000-06:00

It is 2:13 pm on August 1st 2006. The phone rings and there is a 13 year old boy voice on the phone asking for Ryan.

The Day After

2006-07-25T23:26:00.000-06:00

They found Destiny yesturday night.

She was found in the basement of a neighbor. The house that backs up to her house.

She was dead.

I have had so many emotions wash over me today.

We are waiting on so many details about the murderer and how he was caught and even how long she has been dead. The family is screaming at the police about botching the job. The suspect's wife is saying he was set up. It is still just as intense as when she was missing.

Quietly, as a mother and a woman and a believer, there is simply a sigh of relief that her trial is over. I cling to the feeling .....or maybe the feeling clings to me that she is in a better place. That she is being loved and taken care of. That she has become an innocent, happy child again and nothing will ever ever hurt her again.

It's all about me

2006-07-24T06:12:00.000-06:00

May I direct your attention to the time of the this post. It is 6 am AGAIN. And I am already up, awake and downtown. Bart decided to run another 10K and I have to be his driver, his water boy and his cheerleader. Yes, I know my partner is running a 10K. He is so healthy and such a good athlete. But I just wanted you to know that I got up before 6 two times in a row. Go me!

What I learned this weekend

2006-07-23T20:47:00.000-06:00

1) 40ish year old women can be as dumb as 13 year olds. My 13 year old is in a figh with her two best friends. Very normal for most girls but these three have never been in a fight before. I have been very tempted to get involved, however, I have restrained myself. Even though, I sometimes feel like the mother to all three of them I knew it was not really my place to get involved. It makes me very sad as I love all three of them. Sometimes I don't know which one I love the most. They are so cute. Ryan told me that during camp this last month they had to name things that make them smile. It wasn't my biological daughter that said "Ryan's mom." Anyways, Saturday morning Sarah's mother called our house to get Sarah's shirt back from Ryan. Sarah's mother! I ask Ryan, "In the last week has Sarah lost her language skills? Has she forgotten your phone number in 7 days?" I guess we will find out if and when the fight ends.
2) I will never own 2 dogs. Never. Ever. And maybe I will have to admit to myself that deep down I do not truly believe that a dog is "just another" part of the family because I don't care if he does not have a friend to hang with. Since Wednesday we have been dogsitting for our friends that are in New York. Both of our dogs are about 6 months old. They have had a pretty good time together but the activity of choice is tusseling and then they fit in a bit of wrestling and fighting. They have squeezed in a couple hours of digging holes as well. Bart has reminded me that they are also doing the one up contest on who can poop the biggest pile. I would call them both winners and me the loser of that one.
3) 106 degree weather is not the ideal temperature for a soccer tournament. And I was only watching!
4) I can get myself up at 5 am. Last week a little 5 year old girl came up missing from her home at about 8:30 pm. She did not want to get ready for bed and after her parents and her had an argument she went outside for a couple of minutes to "cool off." When her parents went outside to get her, maybe 10 minutes later she was gone. And she hasn't been seen since.
This morning my mother, my mother in law and I went and volunteered for the search. I have been trying to get up earlier than 7 my whole summer hiatus and haven't managed to be successful. This morning I did it. I did it for the the little girl. I did it for her mother. I did it for the horror of waking to the nightmare of not knowing where one of your children are. I did it because I couldn't ignore the million of glass shards in my heart feeling when I even thought about not knowing where Ryan, Chase or Cooper were and if I would ever see them again. I ended up spending the day registering people in for their searches and forming teams. I saw so many people in so many walks of life come and give up their day(s) to search for this little girl. I recognized the need in their eyes to do something.
To not let the evil win.
To separate themselves from the wicked.
To take a stand against those that hurt innocent.
To keep hope alive.
5) I have a lot to be thankful for.

The real post is in the parenthesis

2006-07-20T09:38:00.000-06:00

I feel like I am blogging like I am living my life right now. There is so many things to blog about. Posts buzz around in my head at all times. I conjure titles at every turn. But then when I get down to the nuts and bolts of writing the whole thing, my determination, my will power deserts me. Or maybe there are too many distractions and so it is just easier not to try and focus on something I want to do. On a larger scale, I wake up every morning with tens of things on my plate. And at the end of the night there they are again. Right there on the plate next to the steak and the nachos I had for dinner. Maybe I move them under that last bite of pecan pie or the melted puddle of ice cream so they are not so obvious at the end of the day. I cannot kick start myself into doing a whole lot of work on my goals. My energy is diffused into the three children's activities. (Lately, well, yesturday, I was told I was a good mother but lacking on the wife skills. And I can agree with that. That in a nutshell is why I didn't want to have kids in the first place. Ever. I recognized that I would morph into a mother and I didn't want that. I didn't want to lose Kim. But Kim will always come second to the kids--at least, until they are older and probably out of the house and that technically means that Bart will come second as well. Rationally, I know that is wrong. I think that is where a lot of the work to make a marriage strong comes in. It is a relationship that can be put on the back burner quite easily. And I can live with it on the back burner for quite a while. But even I have to admit that I am lacking in adult conversation and adult mentality on most days due to the large presence of children in my summer life. For some reason, I cannot come to an agreement with the two entities. It is either one or the other that wins and lives the day. That is ok except a lot of my self satisfaction is based on accomplishments and finishing lists. Mother lives are frusterating because you do know you are doing what is right being there for the kids. You want to be there for the kids. You enjoy being there for the kids. But you still want to go dancing for yourself. And most of the time, you just don't have the energy for it at the end of the day/week. Or you don't have friends that want to go dancing or the friends are needed to be mom at the time that you yourself can go dancing. Or hell, you just want to finish a project you started two months ago. Or a conversation. Hmmmm....
And then there is that amazing bit of human nature that comes into play when the new full time mother is capable and available. The father's human nature is to suddenly stop doing any little bit they were pitching in before the aforementioned mother quit. They figure they can go back to being simply the breadwinner. Sigh. But that is simply an observation. Or a warm over excuse as to why I don't do anything for me. Not acceptable.
I marvel at the complexity of our familial states.)
Having said all that in parenthesis, I will be diffusing my energy at a soccer tournament that starts today. Going to pack meeting to watch Chase graduate from Webolos into a full fledged boy scout. Planning Chase's birthday party.....you know the one where the 10 year old boys dress up to look like Nacho Libre and go to the theatre to watch the movie. Are you kidding?!??! Probaby going to Richfield or at least, sending Bart and the boys off. Celebrating my mother's birthday. Happy birthday dear mom! And hoping the Bridgette and Mark's baby comes out so we can see a picture.

Welcome to Glenwood

2006-07-15T21:52:00.000-06:00

This is a very ironic post for me. I have been married to Bart for over a decade. I made him promise that we would never move back to Richfield, his home town, before we were married. Richfield is not really his home town. It is the town that his little suburb, Glenwood, is linked to. I used to shutter thinking of living in that small town. I used to have to breathe deeply many times and do centering exercises just to be able to spend two piddly weekend days down there. But apparently things do change. This last week I actually chose to go down to Glenwood on my own.

Cooper, Chase and I took Grandma Gail and Lily down to Glenwood. I wanted to see the above view from Bart's front door. I wanted to ride my four wheeler.

This is my four wheeler. See the "special seat" in the back. Since Cooper was 2 he has been riding with me. I can't explain the freedom, the fun, the communion with nature, the fulfillment, the stress relief that this machine symbolizes for me. I literally cry tears of joy every time we go for a ride. Glenwood is this little town which you can drive your four wheeler around the entire town. Glenwood is a hub for about 400 trails that you can drive out and about on your four wheeler. Just 3 weeks ago, the whole family went for a 80 mile ride. It was a challenging day but we had a good time. This visit to Glenwood we took Chase's friend and they spent their days fishing with Grandpa.

Cooper and Lily and I spent our time riding, visiting cows, playing at the park and exploring the local swimming hole. And it was such a blast! I loved it.

I love Glenwood. For the time being, it is conditional love. I only love Glenwood in the Spring, Summer and Fall. I have yet to see the beauty in the winter. When I am riding around on my four wheeler I feel like my movie soundtrack is playing "Zippity Doo Dah" and there is a cartoon bird sitting upon my shoulder. For some time now, Bart and I have had a plan to buy a piece of property where the old dance hall used to be and build a house there. Apparently, things can and do change. And that is a good thing because it makes life interesting.

Something to get your imagination going

2006-07-10T08:10:00.000-06:00

http://outlander.evenstar.de/

This webpage has pictures options of potential actors to cast all parts in the hoped for upcoming Outlander movie. YUM!

Oh, I just love Jamie and Claire. And there is no sign of the next book coming out anytime soon.